Exit Interview

I knocked at the door. “May I come in, sir?”

“Yes, yes, yes. Please do come in. What is this I hear? I almost dropped my cup of coffee when Shah told me. I was drinking coffee at the Taj Residency’s buffet breakfast, like everyday, when Shah called me and told me that you were planning on leaving and I jumped 20 feet in the air…”

“Gosh, I hope you didn’t hit any chandeliers!” I wanted to say, but bit my tongue. I realized that I was not expected to talk as yet, since his mouth was still moving.
“…and they have great prawn. Yes, you should try it sometime. They sometimes also make great dosas and idlis. I hope you’re not vegetarian. Vegetarians are a disadvantaged lot in this country. When I was young …”

This exit interview was not something I was looking forward to. Our HR manager had an infamous reputation for going off on irrelevant tangents. People said that he could never stick to one point, and kept squirming about a discussion like an electric eel with a short circuit.

“…and in Venice, the authorities will jail you even if you dare to spit on the road, but in this country, I tell you, this country is going to the dogs…”

His cell phone rings. Thank god, at least he’ll stop talking now. But I’m mistaken. Phones are devices meant for talking.

“Hello? Yes, hello my dear old chap. How are you? I think you’re fine. Yes, if I was you, I’d be fine too. And how are the kids? They must have grown up by now, no? Yes, they must have become big. You were pretty big when you were small. And how’s the wife doing? Yeah, I’ll bet she’s doing fine too. Anyway, it was nice of you to call and talk to me.”

I doubt the person on the other end of the phone had managed to get past the initial “hello”. Our HR manager believed in the Q&A style of conversation. This means he asks the questions and also answers them himself.

“Yes, you should do that to keep up friendships. Yes, that’s a very good idea. All right then, I’ll see you later. Keep in touch.”

He finally turned his attention towards me.

“So, I hear you are planning to quit the company. I don’t think it is a good idea because it is my job to tell you so. Ha ha ha. Anyway, I want to understand the reasons that you are leaving, so that we can do a better job next time. So talk to me. Why do you feel the need to change companies at this point?”

My turn to speak had finally come. As I opened my mouth and drew a breath of air to start talking…

“You know why I think you are leaving? I think you want to change companies because you don’t understand our culture…

A Hijack! He has managed to hijack my time to speak. Revenge! This calls for revenge!

“…because you see, organizations grow in layers like onions. There is a core and then there are layers…”

His phone rings again. This time it is his desk phone.

“Hello? Oh yes, how are you Sir? Yes, I will have it ready for you tomorrow morning sir. Definitely, sir. Yes, you’ll have it to read before your morning coffee, sir. Definitely, sir. I understand, sir. No Problem. Ok, sir. Bye bye.”

He keeps down the phone, no doubt planning on how to delay this other person’s coffee the next morning.

“So where were we?” He asks, with the air of a very busy person.

Now’s my chance! I place a back-door bomb, something that he’d never expect.
“You were describing onions”, I say.

“Yes. Onions. You see, companies are like onions. They grow underground, and because they grow underground, err…, hmm…”

Boom! The bomb hit right on target. Success, ladies and gentlemen. Medals of Honor awarded to me.

“… and the onions, … … they mushroom once a year, err… like mushrooms, and since ……… we are ……… hmmmmm……”

I had no idea what he was talking about. And he had even lesser idea too, but he kept talking nevertheless. I really admire these people. I’ve always wanted to go inside their head and see what it is really that they are thinking.

“…… and so, in this critical phase of this industry, we should grow back into a ……”

How did he jump from mushrooms to the “critical phase of the industry”? Man, I wish I was paying attention. It looks like he is recovering from my attack rather well.

“……it is therefore important that we keep our closest people close and our enemies closer………err….hmm… but the enemies shouldn’t be closer than valued employees like yourself….so we’ll keep the enemies closer, but not as close as employees, but didn’t someone once say to keep enemies closer than customers? Or was that friends closer than customers before employees except when managers…….”

Why do these people feel the need to talk? I guess that’s because they think that it’s their job to talk. They “manage” by talking. How do these people get stuff done? What’s the point, talking all the time? Then it dawned on me. They probably thinking that they “do” by talking. “We talk, because that’s what we do” must be their slogan. I’ll bet that’s what they teach at B-School.

“Yes sir. Definitely. I completely agree with you, sir”. It’s usually safe to agree with our HR director, because there usually isn’t much substance to agree with in the first place.

“Yes, but I understand why you would want to quit. People want to quit all the time, but when people want to quit, you must keep in mind that quitting is not a sign of the successful. ‘The quitters must always quit, but the doers will quit only after they’re done’ as Leo Tolstoy once said, you should keep that in mind when you quit.”

He looks at his watch, and it’s around 1:15pm. He must be getting really hungry; because I’m pretty sure I heard some weird noises earlier. I think he decided to end the meeting and go grab some lunch.

“Anyway, as always, we wish you all the very best of luck and you’ll hopefully succeed in all your future endeavors. Best of luck for any future that you might have. And do keep in touch”.

He gets up, and walks me to the door. Just as I leave his room, from the corner of my eye, I see him get up and rush to the bathroom.

Aditya Kulkarni
Standard Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and any resemblence to real-life incidents is completely co-incidential

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