I’ve been working on creating a new religion. It’s currently in pre-release alpha, send me email if you want to be notified when it releases for public beta. My religion has been designed from scratch to be easy to use and adopt, and the Total Cost of Ownership is pretty low (membership fee is only 2000 bucks).

Here are some of the Core Values:

Procrastination: Doing things NOW is bad. “Now” is better when it is in the distant, unseeable future. Avoid doing work as much as possible. Push deadlines as far as you can. Eventually, the person who cares most about it will do it. Your goal is to not be that person.

Money over Matter: You’ve heard of mind over matter. This is the next level. In a nutshell, this means you have to be extremely kanjoos. Get phone calls when everyone is paying up for the movie tickets, look busy and ask someone else to pay. Look the other way when the waiter brings the bill to the table. You get extra karma if you steal the tip meant for the waiter.

No Hard Work: Hard work is so 19th century. The 20th century mantra is ignorance. The lesser you know, the more room there is in your head for remembering the more important things in life, which neatly bring us to the next core value:

Idol Worship: Idol worship is strongly encouraged. You are even allowed to pick your own idols. Examples of good idols: Paris Hilton, Rakhee Savant, Pamela Anderson, Lara Croft and Hermione. Bad examples are anybody that works for a living.

Rituals and Festivals: All festivals have to compulsorily be on fridays or mondays. Working on weekends is a sin. Taking baths is optional, especially on holidays. Daily rituals include watching TV, swearing at random people in traffic and discussing your personal idols.

Holy places: Rio Carnival, beaches, Disneyland, Mardi gras and any place that has go-kart racing. Everyone is required to make a pilgrimage to at least one of the holy places every year. Bonus karma if you manage all in the same year.

Advertising Strategy: I have several punchlines for my religion in mind, but I can’t decide which one to go with.

Hard work produces results in the future. Procrastination produces results NOW! Adityaism. Because you’re worth it.

Adityaism: Membership fee, INR 2000. Dinner buffet and drinks for 2000 people, INR 100000. Marriage rituals that last less than 20 seconds, Priceless!

Adityaism: Because long weekends are the greatest gift from God.

• 11 Comments

This is the second part of a series. The first part is here.

I’m sitting inside my girl friends’ house, and her parents are evaluating if I’m the right kind of guy for their daughter. I’m frozen with fear, but making my best effort to look normal.

Her Dad scans me from top to bottom. He looks disapprovingly at my T-shirt. I’m praying that there is an earthquake or a terrorist attack so that I can run away screaming, but my good luck is really bad, so no help there.

“So, what are your hobbies?”, her Dad asks me.

Dammit, I forgot to prepare for that question. I had prepared answers for “What kind of work do you do?”, “What is your investment strategy?” and “Do you drink or smoke?”, but this question caught me unprepared. It was so much better in college exams, where you had to answer only 5 of the 8 questions asked. I suddenly start missing these exams, the first time ever.

“I play chess”, I blurt out.

I’ve never played chess in my life. Not once. Chess always seemed like a depressing game where 2 people stare at a black and white board for hours at end. I wonder what the spectators do. Anyway, I only know that there are some queens involved, and that you have to mate the check to win the game or something like that. I only said chess because it sounds smart.

Her Dad is visibly impressed: “Oh that’s excellent! I’m a BIG chess fan. I play chess at the club every Saturday afternoon. I have been very impressed by the Sicilian Defense Vishy has been using recently. Though, do you think he should try some new opening strategies?”

Bummer! I couldn’t tell you how many pieces were there on a chess board even if my life depended on it, and here, her Dad wanted my opinion on chess opening moves. If Agent Smith (from The Matrix), was standing here, he’d say: “I’m sorry, but this, is a dead end.”

I was about to panic, when it suddenly occurred to me. A wise man had once said “If you can’t convince them, confuse them”. I could bluff my way through! This saying had helped me through vivas in college, and it would rescue me again now. The only question was, would her Dad buy it?

“Yes, I think he should try the reverse Roman defense opening. And since attack is the best form of defense, the attacker pieces should be sacrificed for the queen and cordon off the opponent. Reading your opponent is very important, because after all, chess is a phycological game.”

Silence.

He seemed to be weighing my words. His brow deepened to a frown. Had I been caught? Oh man, oh man! Help! But wait…he suddenly eases up and breaks into a smile.

“Yes…That’s what I have been thinking. Pshychological game, exactly!”

SUCCESS! Hahahahahaha! He finally agreed with something I said! He started opening up to me, and we managed to chat a bit about other topics. I had wormed my way into his good books! The storm was finally over and the bright sun had come out.

He seemed to be liking me now. I know that because he urged me to have an extra sweet and even complimented my T-shirt! We spent the next few minutes making small talk and I managed to avoid any major goof up.

Finally it was time for me to leave. Her Dad came to see me off at the door. As I said goodbye and walked out of the gate, he yelled to me: “Come back again some time, we can catch a game of chess!”

I turned around and hurriedly walked towards the car.

• 9 Comments

Today’s post is a Cartoon strip. If you can’t see it, click here.

Cartoon illustrated by Navin. Copyright © 2007, Aditya Kulkarni. All rights reserved.

• 3 Comments

After my Girlfriend and I decided to get married, it was time for the inevitable – Time for me to meet her parents.

To say I was terrified was an understatement. As the day came closer, I started imagining all kinds of doomsday scenarios that seemed very probable at that time:

“What if your Dad asks me ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’ “
“What if your Mom asks me if garam masala should be put in Sambar?”
“What if they ask me to code a recursive factorial in Java, and I mess it up?”

“Don’t worry. My parents are really nice people, they just want to meet you“, my GF tried to reassure me. But I didn’t believe her. That’s what the heroines in the movies always say, and before you know it, the soon-to-be-pop-in-law is chasing you with a gun. Case in point: Hritik Roshan in Kaho na pyaar hai.

I was not prepared for this at all, but D-day arrived anyway. T-2 hours: I’m a nervous wreck. Suddenly it hits me: “What should I wear?”

That’s the first time ever I’ve asked that question. In the past, I had never understood why my GF would wonder what to wear. “Anything you want. How does it matter?”, I always wanted to say. But in this instant, I realized the importance of this question. I began to see why women usually think of it as a life-and-death issue.

I finally get ready, and leave my house a little early, ’cause I don’t want to be late. I reach a full 30 minutes before the scheduled time, but I don’t want to be early either. So I keep driving around the house. After about 3 rounds, my phone rings. It’s my soon-to-be-fiancée.

“Why are you circling the house? My Dad thinks some weirdo is planning to rob us tonight. He was about to call the watchman.”
“Oh, I’m sorry….I arrived early, but didn’t want to be too early, so….”
“That’s OK. Now go park the car somewhere down the road and walk here. I don’t want my Dad to think you’re the weirdo.”
“That’s a good plan. I’ll do that.”

I park the car half-a-kilometer down the road and walk back. I open the gate and walk in. I’m shaking like I have the flu virus. My stomach is churning, I can feel the rush of adrenalin in my head. But I try to calm myself down. I recall reading that under stressful situations, you should take a deep breath and listen to your sub-consciousness. I take a deep breath and try to listen to my inner self:

“Run, you fool! Turn around and flee for your life!”

My sub-consciousness is panicking. But I stand my ground. Everything will be fine, I assure myself, and walk up to the door. I ring the bell.

“What should I first say when they open the door? Should I say ‘hello’ or ‘namaste’? Should I bend and touch their feet? That would depend on who opened the door. Maybe I should…”

Suddenly, the door opens. It’s her Dad. He’s looking at me.

“Say Hello”, my head says. But my vocal chords completely ignore the command. I’m just standing there looking like a fool. Her Dad is probably wondering if I’m still breathing.

My brain re-issues the command: say “Hello” –force

“Welcome” I squeak out.

WHAT?!? Why am I saying “welcome”?? It’s not even my house!

“Eh?” her Dad says. He’s now looking at me like a Cat looks at a Mouse. I’m getting the sinking feeling.

Thankfully, my GF pops in to break the tension. “Oh Hi! You’re right on time. Come in, come in” she says, leading us in.

I’ve not even inside the house, and my soon-to-be-pop-in-law thinks I’m retarded! This can’t be good.

To be continued…
[Update: Second part is here]

• 5 Comments

I am visiting my Grandma’s place in Solapur just after I quit Trilogy and before joining Google. Solapur is typical small town Maharashtra, with a lot of older folks, whose children have gone to the big cities for work. A couple of my Grandma’s friends are also visiting.

My Grandma introduces me to her friends.

Grandma: “This is my grandson. He is a software officer.”
Me : “Hello! Software engineer, actually”
Friend #1: “Jeete Raho beta! My grandson is also a software officer. He works for Internet Company.”
Me : “Internet Company? Really? That’s very interesting!”
Friend #2 (to Friend #1, ignoring my last remark) : “Yes, yes. Internet. I have heard of it. Is your grandson a ticket salesman? My son, who is in America, was telling me that they buy aero-plane tickets in Internet. He must have bought it from your grandson.”
Friend #1 (kinda offended): “No, my Grandson is a software officer. He has gone to Florida now. For 6 months.”
Friend #2: “Florida? Where is that? Is it far from America? Maybe I can give my son, who is in America, his phone number.”
Friend #1 (looking at me): “What’s the name of your company, beta?”
Me : “I’m going to work for Google”
Friend #2: “Gogol? Is it a small company? Why don’t you work for a big company like Infosys? They sent my son to America 5 times! Yes. 5. How many times have you gone to America?”
Me : “I’ve been to the US once, for 2 weeks.”

Friend#1, Friend#2, simultaneously, somewhat shocked: “THAT’S ALL?!?“

I’m starting to feel a little embarrassed, though I don’t know why.

Me : “Yes, unfortunately. I work for a product company. There is not much reason to go to the US.”
Friend #1 (somewhat sympathetic): “It’s OK beta. The important thing is to work hard, and not wait for the fruits of your efforts. If the Lord so wishes, you can go to America once more.”
Me : “Err…OK…Thank you!”

I excuse myself, and walk out of the room. Outside, I can still hear them speak.

Grandma: “His mother is very smart. Father too. He only needs some time, that’s all”
Friend #1: “Yes, don’t worry. My grandson had to work 2 years before they sent him to America. You just have to work hard. Destiny will automatically reward you.”
Friend #2: “Yes. If you do a pooja for him at the Lakshmi temple, your grandson might even get sent to America this year!”
Grandma: “Let’s hope so”

• 6 Comments

Today’s post is a cartoon strip. If you can’t see the image, click here

Copyright (c) 2007, Aditya Kulkarni

• 3 Comments

The CAT (entrance exam to the IIMs) advertisement in the newspapers last week brought back fond memories. I’ve written (or at least tried to write) the CAT 4 times now, and never once passed. The CAT is like a yearly festival. Almost a ritual. And from the looks of it, I’m probably going to keep writing it forever.

The first time I wrote CAT was in the final year of my Engineering. I was writing for the heck of it, because it seemed like a very fashionable thing to do. Everyone else was doing it. The highlight of this CAT was that my exam center was at Mount Carmel College for Girls. “Whooo Hooo”, I thought to myself when I saw the venue on the hall ticket. Everything went downhill from there.

CAT is held on a Sunday, so MCC college was out of the girls. Not only where there no chicks, the college was full of serious soda-buddi types doing the usual last-minute mugging. Plus there were the “sisters” from the college (or nuns, whatever you call them) that were doing crowd control. I sat down at my assigned place as the question papers were handed out. The first question was one of those “sentence correction” questions.

1. Correct the grammatical errors in the underlined portion of the following sentence:
Despite growing concerns over the implications of rampant inflationary pressure in the stock markets, Ram, who had had an aggressive call options in the F&O derivatives market, hedged his bets opposite to the US dollar treasury T-bills in the primary bond markets.

I read the sentence again. And again. What the hell did it mean? “Ram, who had had an aggressive call options in the F&O derivatives market” ?!?!?!? Why doesn’t Ram just buy mutual funds?

Unfortunately, that option was not there in the answer choices, which made even less sense than the question. After what seemed like an eternity of torture, the exam was finally over and I was free again.

But as soon as I got out, there were rumors flying that the CAT paper had leaked, and that the exam would be re-held. Later that day, it turned out that the paper had indeed been leaked, and a re-exam would be held in Feb 2004.

The day of the re-exam came and …….. went by. I totally forgot about the re-exam date and slept right through it. Later that afternoon, a friend called to find out how my CAT had gone. I told him that it had gone. Without me.

The next year, I wrote CAT, but flunked miserably. The year after that, I paid the money, but spent the day of the exam at a nightclub in China, and the year after that, the IIMs rejected my application for unknown reasons. I’m planning to write again this year.

• 5 Comments