“Come on man, bunk this class. Let’s go play snooker” said Prakash*
“No da…I have only 74.65% attendance. This class will bring it to 75.3%. I need this period’s attendance”
“Oh man! OK, I’ll see if I can find someone else for snooker today. We need one more player”

It’s 1st year of Pre University College. I need to sit through the class to up my attendance to the minimum required 75% to get the hall ticket for the exam. I reluctantly walk into the class as my buddies push off to yet another game of snooker.

It’s Chemistry class. Our Chemistry lecturer has two very special qualities. He has a squint, and he refers to everyone as “you”. He’s just finished taking the attendance of all the 100 people in the class. As soon as he starts teaching, everyone gets back to chatting in class, because the most important part of the lecture is over.

“Why are you making so much talk? You there! Stand up!” the lecturer yells, pointing in our general direction. 6 of us stand up.
“Not you. You! The one with black hair”
All 6 of us are still standing up.
“YOU! Red shirt, blue pant. You sit down. NOT YOU! The one on the left. NOT THAT LEFT, THE OTHER LEFT!”

After much confusion, the lecturer has managed to single out Vikram, who’s now the only one standing.

“What I say? Talking in my class?”
“No Sir, I was not talking”
“Then what? My ghost was talking OR WHAT?”
“Sir….”
“What does it look like, I’m selling vegetables here?”
“Not vegetables per se….”
“SHUT UP! Stand up on the bench!”
“On the bench, sir?”

Now that question has special significance, because Vikram is, shall we say, extremely well built.

The lecturer is weighing his last command. He thinks for a few seconds.

“Don’t want on the bench. Sit down. What’s your name? No attendance for you today”
“But sir…”
“No protests I say….What is your NAME?”
“Sir, my name’s Amit”, he lies

For those not in the know, that is called a ‘reverse proxy’. Since Amit is absent today, the teacher cutting his attendence doesn’t cause too much damage. This is accepted practice in the proxy-giving circles.

During all this confusion, Prakash has been signaling from outside the door that they’re still one player short. And I’m signaling him to get lost, attendance is more important at this point in my life.

Unfortunately for me, the lecturer catches me in this process.
“Yes, YOU, next to you. Stand up, I say!”

I stand up, but I can’t risk loosing attendance for this class. I decide to shift the blame.

“Sir, they are calling me” I say, pointing outside the door.

Prakash is startled, as the lecturer notices him standing outside the door.

“What are you doing outside the door? What are you making monkey signals for?” asks the lecturer
“Err….sir, we …hmm….. We need him. For blood donation!”

Prakash has always been able to think on his feet. I catch on the clue from Prakash.

“Yes sir, for the blood donation camp. They need my blood type, I need to go sir”, I say hoping the lecturer falls for the sincerity in my voice.
The lecturer is weighing to see if we’re pulling his leg. He’s heard a lot of excuses before, but the blood donation thing is new for him.

Finally, he says:
“OK go, but no attendance for you either. What’s your name?”
“But sir…it’s for a good cause”
“No questions! What’s your name?”

“Sir, I’m Vikram” I say, and rush out of class, before the real Vikram realizes what has happened.

That was one very satisfying game of snooker.

*Some names have been changed to protect the guilty

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