Today I will teach you how to speak Jargoneesee. It is one of those skills I have been lucky enough to learn from the Masters. Being able to speak Jargoneesee will help you weasel out of any situation. Here are three of the most important strategies to use:

Overly Specific is better than Overly Vague
It is a common misconception that Jargoneese has to be vague so that the person in front of you (i.e., the “victim”) misunderstands. In fact, the opposite is true. You have to freak out the person by being overly specific.

Example:

Wife: “Does the red dress look better or the blue one?”
Wrong Answer: “Both look equally good. You can buy them BOTH. Can we PLEASE get out of this shop now?”
Right Answer: “The blue is irrevocably complimentary to the implicit contours of the retro-funk design applied on the border of the dress. I think the Irony of the Contrast is delicious. You should buy the blue one.”

Not only does the Right Answer™ save you money, but it also ends the shopping faster.

Horoscopes in the newspapers should also use this approach.
“Today is a good day for people named Amit. The Planets have recommended that you go and kick the guy named Prashant who lives on the 3rd floor.”
Think about how this will psych out guys named Amit who have a neighbour called Praksah!

Be Boring to the point of Death
Using this approach is very useful if you are not in the mood for confrontation. The idea is to bore the hell out of the victim, so that he forgets what the original point was.

Example:

Prof: “Yes, you, in the last Bench. What are you laughing at?”
Wrong Answer: “Sir I….err…hmm…Nothing sir…Your pant sir…It’s …I’m Sorry Sir…”
Right Answer: “I am not laughing AT you, Sir, I am laughing WITH you. The implication being I find your previously constructed sentence rather hilariously amusing to the point where the conscious control over my vocal chords was shaken momentarily, during which time, the aforementioned laugh escaped by civilized mannerisms’ watch, for which you must accept my deeply profound apologies.”

Mocking the Victim
Also known to the MBAs as spreading FUD – Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. Using this stratergy will instill a sense of self-doubt and humiliation in the victim. Especially recommended during debates and arguments.

Example:

Intern: “…but this code you wrote is wrong. It is not compiling!”
Wrong Answer: “You may be right…Let me look at it.”
Right Answer: “Are you asserting that your bookishly academic college experience playing Age Of Empires has somehow revealed the greatest insights into the Real World Software Scenarios? I don’t know what’s more pathetic – Your grossly insecure negligence of the Business Processes of this company or your intellectual incapability to see the Big Picture.”

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