The foggy mist was coming through the window. Then again, it might have been Bangalore’s pollution. Bangalore and I go back a long time, we have a lot in common. Especially booze and weirdos. I’m Detective Danger. I’m a private detective. Brains for hire. This is my town.

The town was especially kind this morning. It sent me a good case to investigate. Slender, 5 feet 9, dark blue jeans and a top that hugged her like my ex-wife hugged my ex-fortune. Slim legs riding on 3-inch Louis Vuitton heels. And she was hiding something behind that swaying walk. I’ve always been good at figuring out dames. That’s half of a good detective.

“Hi, my name is…” The dame wanted to write the opening scene. Not in my story, sweetie. I knew what she was going to say anyway, so I thought I’d help her with the script.

“I know who you are”, I said. She stalled, surprised at my confidence. I have that effect on women.

“You do?” The dame looked surprised.

“Yes, ma’am. The name’s Danger”, I said, offering my right hand for her to shake. She looked at my hand, didn’t know what to do with it, and awkwardly exclaimed:
“What’s in danger?”

A classical case of DiD. Damsel in Distress. I’ve had my share of them. These varieties are usually hysterical, but this one seemed unusually calm. Interesting specimen.

“This Danger will drive away all your dangers. Don’t worry about a thing, honey.” I said, recalling my right hand that she had refused to shake.

“It’s actually Sweetie”, the dame remarked. She was getting logical. Very interesting.

“Don’t worry honey, we’re all confused about that. But honey does not have sugar. Sugacrose Beecollectoctrose is the scientific name.” I corrected her. Most dames are confused about honey and sugar, but the look on their face when corrected is all sweet.

“Excuse me?” The dame was looking really confused now. That’s usual for damsels, especially the ones in distress. My case was on. I could smell the greenbucks already.

“I charge Rs 5000 a day plus expenses. My friend charges extra”, I said, pointing to my Vodka bottle. “He likes to be kept full all the time.”

“Well….allright. Should we discuss the problem now?”

They all have the same problems. It’s always the hubbies. If there’s one thing the detective work has taught me, it’s that hubbies are always getting into trouble.

“It’s your better half, isn’t it? He’s starting to like some other half?” I said, reading her worried expression.

“That’s right. I think my husband…..He’s going around with his secretary….” She was almost sobbing.

“Don’t worry honey, the secretaries are always calling the wrong number. Tell me about your husband. Tell me everything. Where does he live?” I said, taking out my trusted notepad from my inside-jacket pocket. The notepad has served me well. It knows everything about me, even my shirt size.

“He lives with me.”

I was getting a sense that the dame’s top floor was vacant. Even a top broker like me wouldn’t be able to get some good tenants to move in. That’s the problem with high-rises. Not much stuff reaches the top.

I prodded the dame to tell me the story. The dames’ stories are always the same, I could direct the movie myself. The hubby was staying back late nights at work, the dame claimed. She had done some detective work herself, she told me, and found a note in the hubbie’s pocket. From the alleged secretary. “Meet me at the Taj for Breakfast”, the note apparently said.

The Hubbie needed a visit. Visiting Hubbies is not very pleasant, but neither is life. I decided to pay him a visit.

To be continued…

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Announcer Guy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the 2008 Miss WORLD!”

–Loud cheers and thunderous applause–

Announcer Guy: “We will begin the contest with the Question and Answer round. Leading our panel of judges today is the great, the inimitable, the one and only… ADITYA KULKARNI”

–Even Louder Cheers and wild, thunderous applause. Sounds of girls screaming–

Announcer Guy: “Our first contestant is Rakhi Savant! Yes, Mr. Kulkarni. What question do you have for the lovely lady?”
Me: “Hello Beautiful! My question is: ‘If you had to chose between me and SuperMan, who would you chose and why?’”
Rakhi Savant: “I would definitely choose…Good Morning!”
There’s confusion everywhere. Everyone is wondering what’s happening.
Me: “Excuse me?”
Rakhi Savant: “Wake up, it’s 6 in the morning!”
Suddenly, everything goes dark. There is only one light at a very far distance. The light starts coming closer and closer, and all of a sudden, floods my vision. I’m struggling to open my eyes…
Wife: “Good morning, sleepy head. Wake up!”
I panic and look around to see if Rakhi Savant is still there. No sign of her. I open my mouth to say “Oh God! What have you done?!?” but end up saying:
Me: “Xqjkpvfg?”
Wife: “Come on, come on, get up, GET UP!”
Me: “Go away. It’s still midnight!”
Wife: “It’s 6AM”
Me: “My internal clock disagrees. Leave me alone”
Wife: “Remember? You promised to go for a morning walk today!”
Me: “I lied. Now let me sleep”
Wife: “I’m going to make coffee. You’d better be out of bed in 2 minutes”

2 peaceful minutes pass by.

Wife: “Are you up?”
…no response…
Wife: “Finished brushing your teeth?”
Me: “Yesterday only. Please stop shouting. You’re scaring the contestants.”
Wife: “Who?”
Me: “Nothing nothing.”
Wife: “Look outside, it’s a beautiful day!”
Me: “I’m sure it is. I’ll take your word for it.”
Wife: “I’m going to throw a bucket of water on you!”
Me: “You won’t. That’ll ruin the new bed-sheet.”
Wife: “Don’t threaten me.”
Me: “I dare you!”

In retrospect, that last statement of mine was a big mistake. But under those circumstances, I was desperate. Lets just say that I was “forcefully persuaded” to get out of the bed. The wife dragged me out of the house, and off we went on our morning walk.

Me: “What’s that weird smell?”
Wife: “That’s what fresh air smells like.”
Me: “Why can’t we smell fresh air in the afternoon?”
Wife: “Don’t argue. Morning air is good for your health”

And so, we’re wandering about in circles for an hour. I think the wife might have given a lecture about the benefits of a morning walk. Or it could have been about Global Warming. Half of my nervous system was still asleep, so I’m not really sure. We finally return home. It’s not even 7:30, and I’m already feeling tired!

Wife: “See, wasn’t that nice? We should do this everyday. It increases blood circulation. Didn’t you enjoy it?”
I’ve fallen off on the sofa.
Wife: “Oh come on! You can’t fall asleep again! Wake up! WAKE UP!”

–Sound of me snoring–

Announcer guy: “Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome back after a short break! We now continue the show with the SWIM-WEAR round!”
–Loud cheers and thunderous applause–

• 6 Comments

Hi Everyone. Just wanted to drop by a quick blog update.

1) The RSS feed is now fixed. You should be able to see the entire blog post (And not just the title) in your viewer.

2) You can now subscribe to the blog via Email!
Just enter your email address into the box in the side bar, and you’ll receive the day’s post in your inbox, 9AM IST. I usually post 1 a day except Sundays (that’s when I’m apologizing to the wife . No Spam, I promise.

3) There is a separate feed for blog comments here. Subscribe to this one to participate in Flame Wars!

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The first time I went to the US, all my relatives came to see me off. I mean ALL of them. Uncles and aunties, their friends, the friends’ neighbors and their kids and pets. For some reason, all of them felt that it was their responsibility to share the happiness of my “achievement” of going to “The America”. The environment in my house that day was like that of a wedding.

All the gathered people also felt it was their moral obligation to give me all advice they could. Starting with my grandma. She’s never been on a plane before, but that doesn’t stop her from dishing out DOs and DON’Ts.

Grandma: “Be careful, don’t put your hand outside the window, the planes go very fast. After you reach, the first thing you should do is to go to a temple. Are there any temples there?”
Cousin: “Yes. Lots of them in Las Vegas. Very holy city!”
Grandma: “Good. Go to there immediately and offer a pooja. OK?”
Me: “I definitely will. Thanks for the permission!”

An aunt of mine grabs me by the hand and takes me aside. She’s whispering…
Aunt: “I’ve heard the girls over in The America are very modern. You should be very careful. If they come up to you, remember the Lord Hanuman and say the Gayatri Mantra. OK?”
Me: “Well, OK…”
An uncle intercepts our conversation.
Uncle: “Eh, What? Are you planning to do the site-seeing? Where are you going? California?”
Me: “Texas. Austin”
Uncle: “Good good. How much salary are you getting? I’ve heard you get more than 2 lacs per month?”
Me: “Well, if you convert the dollars directly, yes. But the living costs there are proportionally high, and so…”
A different Aunt now hijacks our conversation.
Aunt#2: “Have you packed everything? Passport? Visa? Tickets?”
Me: “Don’t worry, if I don’t have those, they’ll send me back.”
Aunt#2: “Don’t talk apshakuna. Here, eat this prasadam, and do namaskaram to the elders.”
I eat the prasadam and touch her feet.
Aunt#2: “Bless you! May you bring back lots of dollars. I’ve packed some tulsi leaves for you. Put them in your bath water everyday, it keeps you healthy.”

It’s finally time for me to go, and I get into the car that’ll take me to the airport. Even as I’m saying goodbye, the gyaan is still flowing…

“Call immediately after you reach. Don’t go to any beaches. Don’t make friends with bad people. Don’t eat any non-vegetarian things. Smoking is bad for health. Don’t eat too much cheese…”

• 1 Comment

There are two posts today! The second one is below. If you can’t see the image, please click here.

Cartoon illustrated by naveen. Copyright © 2007, Aditya Kulkarni. All rights reserved.

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Some people have all the talent in the world. They have skills that I desperately wished I had. The seemingly useless skillset is, in fact, very valuable if used in the right situations.

1. Sleeping on Demand
Some people have this rare gift of being able to fall asleep whenever they feel like it. It’s almost like they have a switch – which they can turn on and presto! Instant Sleep.

I had this co-worker who was a master of this skill. He had a manager in the US, and used to frequently have late-night conf calls with him. One time, during a one-on-one:
Manager: “We’ve decided to outsource this module.”
Dude: “OK?”
Manager: “We need you to come up with an outsourcing proposal detailing all the user-requirements into a design document. Can you get it ready next week?”
…silence… Dude has fallen asleep
Manager: “Hello? Hello! Are you there? Hello! Hello!”
Dude: “Hmm? What? Oh! I didn’t catch the last part. Could you please repeat it?”
Manager: “Sure! We have to come up with an outsourcing design doc that can be used as a template for future modules to the same vendor. I was thinking next week?”
Sound of Snoring…
Manager: “Hello? Hello! Are you there? What’s that weird noise? Hello? Hello!”
Dude: “Hmm? What? Oh… That’s just static on the line. What was the last part again?”

2. Thick Skin
Some people have this amazingly thick skin that no weapons (verbal or physical) can penetrate. This is best demonstrated when you ask such people a direct question. They will ignore your question entirely and answer a completely different, irrelevant question. Example:

Journalist: “Lalluji, There are allegations that you swindled the Cow fodder money. What do you have to say in your defense?”
Lallu Prasad: “The government is completely committed to Cow Fodder. It is our aim to make sure every farmer in this country gets all the Cow Fodder that he needs, and it is in the interest of the Nation. Jai Hind.”

Example #2:
Software Engineer: “When will I go onsite?”
Project Manager: “Our project currently is on fire. There are several requirements for client-facing roles that will come up in the near future. If you can fix all these bugs this time, I will keep a look out for opportunities for you next time.”
Software Engineer: “But that’s what you said last time!”
Project Manager: “Thank you for dropping by. Please close the door on your way out.”

3. Ridiculous Optimism
Some people have this ridiculous optimism about them. They never seem to be worried about anything. You can identify such people easily, because they use the “it could have been worse” and “Look at the bright side…” phrases a lot.

Dude: “I flunked my exam!”
Ridiculous Optimist: “It could have been worse. You could have been hit by a truck when you were coming on your bike.”
Dude: “I don’t even have a bike. I come by bus.”
Ridiculous Optimist: “It could have been worse. You might have been child labor in Afghanistan.”

Dude: “I have brain tumor. I’m going to die.”
Ridiculous Optimist: “Look at the bright side. At least the aliens didn’t kidnap and torture you.”
Dude: “My karma is in the negative. I think I’m going to hell.”
Ridiculous Optimist: “Look at the bright side. Rakhi Savant will soon join you in Hell!”

• 0 Comments

It’s time for cartoons again! If you can’t see the image, please click here.

Cartoon illustrated by naveen. Copyright © 2007, Aditya Kulkarni. All rights reserved.

• 0 Comments