You know, I think all these so-called scientists are totally wasting their time. And mine. They keep “discovering” things like – “Coffee reduces the risk of inner-respiratory lung disease by 0.0004%” and “Not Smoking helps give you 2 days of extra life”. Duh! I already know that.

Why don’t these scientists spend their time discovering more useful things? If they’ve all run out of ideas, I have some:

1) A way to clone yourself – and make the clone go to work.
This is an idea whose time has come. I should be able to make my own instant clone (like in a Microwave). Then I should be able to send the clone to work. That way, I can sit and write blogs all day. Plus, since the clone makes all the money, you don’t have to worry. You can just enjoy your day!

2) A tablet that can be taken instead of taking a bath.
This is something that I’d pay money for. I should be able to take that tablet, and then I shouldn’t need to take a bath for a week. Oh come on, admit it. You’ve thought about it. Think about the possibilities! That’ll just knock 10-20 minutes from my morning, which I can spend – sleeping.

3) Print your own money – at home
I don’t understand why HP and Cannon and all the printer makers haven’t thought about it – They should invent a program that can print the 100 Rupee note on both sides of a paper. This is the greatest idea ever. If we can print Movie Tickets and Airline Tickets at home, why not just print the money directly?

4) A moving chair – that moves behind me.
They should invent this chair that can follow me around everywhere. So that, whenever I want, I can just drop, and the chair will always be there so that I can instantly sit. Think about the applications – Movie Theaters, restaurants and even cars – They can all save money by removing their existing chairs.

My God! How come the scientists can’t think of these things?

• 8 Comments

Back when we were in school, maybe 5th – 6th standard, there was this huge WWF (now called WWE) fad. It was the best thing on TV, and every single kid in Bangalore was hooked on to it. It was basically pro-wrestling, but with soap opera like twists.

Now when I think back, the whole thing was embarrassingly silly, but back then, I totally believed it all to be real and true. I think everyone did.

We used to follow the WWF events with religious regularity. This one time, the WWF hyped up a match as “The match of the century – The Undertaker vs Yokozuna”. Everyone was hooked, and there were all kinds of rumors floating around.

Kid #1: “Oh man! The ‘Dark Thunder Match’ is next Monday. Are you all ready?”
Me: “Ready for what?”
Kid #2: “Haven’t you heard? The UnderTaker has come back from the dead to fight for revenge”
Me <starry eyed, full of awe>: “Really?”
Kid #1: “Yes. He’s going to take his revenge on Yokozuna, who tricked The UnderTaker’s soul into getting caught in the ‘Death Trap from Beyond’…”
Kid #2: “…but The UnderTaker returned from the dark side. “You can’t capture those already dead” he said in the interview today.”
Me: “Ooooooo…Now what happens?”
Kid #2: “We HAVE to buy UnderTaker T-shirts to ward off the evil spirits. The TV-commentator said so.”
Kid #1: “If The UnderTaker loses, then the ‘Spirit of the Black Horse’ will be set free…”
Kid #2: “…and it will eat away and destroy all the world!”
Me: “Oh No! What are we going to do?”

I spent the rest of the day very depressed. I was convinced that the world was going to end, because The UnderTaker was going to loose and we were all going to die. The next day, after I reached home:

Me: “Dad, give me 150 rupees”
Dad: “For what?”
Me: “I have to buy the UnderTaker T-Shirt. Otherwise the evil spirits will eat us all”
Dad: “What? Who told you that?”
Me: “The TV commentator on WWF”
Dad: “It’s a trick. They want you to buy their stuff.”
Me: “NOOOOO…You don’t understand. If The UnderTaker looses the Dark Thunder, the Spirits of the Black Horse will eat us all”
Dad: “Who’s UnderWear?”
Me: “Aarrrrgghhh….DAD, YOU WILL GET US ALL KILLED. You have insulted The Undertaker. He does not like that”
Dad: “Listen. You can tell your UnderTaker that Tomatoes are 5 rupees a KG! Ask him to get some Tomatoes from the Dark Side or wherever he lives, and then we’ll see about your T-Shirt. And not to mention school fees these days…”
Me: “Oh No! What have you done? The World is going to end BECAUSE OF YOU!“
Dad: “Thank you, you’re welcome.”

And finally the D-day came. The match was going to start at 4:30, but school was till 3:30. I couldn’t believe that the school didn’t declare a half-day for the match – considering the world was going to end and all. Stupid Principal. Anyway, right after school, my friends and I rushed back home and sat in front of the TV.

It was a spectacular match. The UnderTaker called on the Evil Spirits, and beat the crap out of Yokuozuna with dustbins, chairs, tables and whatever else he could find, and pushed him into a coffin. The UnderTaker won, and the world was saved. Phew! We could all breathe again.

2 days later:

Kid #1: “Oh man! The ‘Ninja Match’ is next Monday. Are you all ready?”
Me: “What?”
Kid #2: “Didn’t you hear? Yokozuna is back and is looking for revenge…”

• 8 Comments

Did you folks hear about the latest Microsoft Excel Fiasco? Apparently, Excel 2007 can’t do simple multiplication! Typing 850 x 77.1 gives the answer as 100,000 instead of the correct 65,535. I’m not kidding. Read about it here and here.

Let me be the first to say that this is not a bug, it’s a feature. People familiar with this situation will have heard of this legend:

Q: How many Bill Gates’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will declare darkness to be the new industry standard.

Now that’s what I call a really innovative company. A company becomes innovative by challenging the rules of the game. Microsoft is challenging the very core of Mathematics. You can’t get more innovative than that.

And these mathematical rules are arbitrary anyway. Most people falsely believe that Mathematics is the language of the universe, and that the laws of mathematics hold absolutely. Huh! Some people will believe anything. Remember how people once thought that the Earth was flat? And Galileo challenged that? Well, by challenging the rules of Mathematics, Bill Gates has proven that he is the Galileo of our age.

From now on, numbers between 65,536 and 99,999 will be banned from our civilization. Don’t worry, that’s only a few numbers, no one will miss them. And we have lots of numbers, anyway. And there will be strict penalties for violating this rule.

Small Kid: “Mummy, mummy, what number comes after 65,535?”
Mum: “100,000 baby”
Small Kid: “What about 65,536?”
Mum: “Oh NO!”
The room turns into a bright blue color. The Blue-Screen-Of-Death monster emerges from nowhere and swallows the kid.
Mum: “Stupid Kid! That’s what happens when you don’t obey Microsoft.”

And thanks to Microsoft, our world will be a safer place. We can all thank Microsoft, for the fantastic innovations they have delivered over the years. Some readily come to mind:

1. Windows hangs every 15 minutes and needs to be restarted. This is to prevent eye strain and Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.
2. The “friendly” Clippy from Office 2000. Who can forget the enormous help and “tips” that Clippy has provided over the years.
3. Putting the “Shutdown” button under the “Start” menu. The most logical choice! Reminds you that you have to start before you can stop. Deeply Philosophical.

That should convince all you Microsoft-haters out there. Answer me this: What has your precious Linux done for this world?

• 5 Comments

A few years ago, I decided to do something special for my GF’s birthday – I decided to buy her a gift. Those days, you’d be lucky if I didn’t write you a poem for your birthday, so this was really special. I really wanted to be nice and buy her a nice gift that she’d like.

I’ve never bought anyone a gift before, so I’m thinking what qualifies as a good gift. I decide to consult the voices in my head.

Me: “So, guys! What do you think I should buy?”
Voice #1: “I’d really like to get the “Need for Speed – Carbon” game. I heard it has great graphics!”
Voice #2: “Not for you moron, for her.”
Voice #1: “I know, I know. We could buy it for her, and “borrow” it from her when she’s not using it.”
Russian Voice: “GOOD! I LIKE! PLAY GAME!”
Voice #2: “She doesn’t even have a PlayStation!”
Voice #1: “That’s the beauty of the plan. She won’t need it often if she can’t play it…”

Me: “Oh, come on you guys. I want it to be really thoughtful. Remember, it is the thought that counts”

Voice #1: “Yeah. Why don’t you go tell her ‘I thought of buying you a gift. Then I spent the money putting Petrol in the bike. But hey! It’s the thought that counts, so, Happy Birthday’ “
Voice #2: “You’re so insensitive. See if I ever wish you on your birthday.”
Voice #1: “Oooo…Mr. Sensitive…ooo….are you going to cry like a girl now? boo hoo…”
Voice #2: “STOP IT! OR ELSE…”
Me: “Guys, guys….relax…”
Voice #1: “Oooooo…What is Miss Sissy going to do? Oooo….Look at me…I’m all scared…Is Missy…”

BASH!!! CRASH!!! THUD!!!

I hear sounds of a struggle. Looks like a fight has broken out. I can hear the two struggling about.
Russian Voice: “YAY! KEEEL HIM! KEEEL HIM! HAHAHAHA!”

Seeing that these jokers are of no use, I decide to do it alone. Lets see…What do girls want? They like Art-type things. Maybe I’ll get her a painting. Yeah. But they’re expensive. What arty stuff can I buy for 20 bucks? Hmmm…Maybe a keychain. Yes, that’s a good idea. Let me get her a keychain with some handicraft-thing on it. That’ll be nice.

And so I went to Cauvery and bought a keychain attached to a square plate that had some round drawing on it. Very nice! Only 19 rupees, even. I was very pleased with myself. What a thoughtful gift!

On the day of the birthday, I wished her and told her I’d got her a gift.
GF: “Choo Chweeet! What did you get me?”
Me: “Hah! You’ll never guess! It’s so thoughtful that you won’t be able to think of it”
GF: “Did you get me that big stuffed teddy bear?”

Oh My GOD! Is she expecting something big and expensive? Oh No! I don’t think she’s going to like my little 19-rupees keychain.
Me: “Oh? Err…no…something more…hmm…creative”

GF: “OK, I know. You bought me the ’20 Most Beautiful Love songs’ CD.”
Me: “No…Something more…hmm…artistic”

GF: “Oh, I know. You made me a big bouquet with roses and lillies and tulips…”
That’s it. I’m screwed.
Me: “Maybe you should stop guessing. Here. Happy Birthday”

I pulled the keychain from my pocket and handed it over to her. Her reaction was that of shocked disbelief. I think it might have been a good idea to gift wrap the keychain. But that was 5 rupees extra.

GF: “What’s this?”
Me: “It’s a keychain!”
GF: “What is this plate for?”
Me: “Isn’t it artistic? Do you like it?”
GF: “Sighhhhhh……Well, I guess it’s only the thought that counts”

• 0 Comments

I’ve stopped following cricket for a while now. I used to be big on cricket back in school, but since the whole match-fixing thing broke out, I’ve lost interest. But the obviousness that all matches have been fixed doesn’t seem to have affected the vast majority of the country. They still watch the game with exactly the same enthusiasm.

The problem of being a non-cricket watching Indian is that many people think of that as being the same as being an orangutan – Almost human, but not quite.

Several people are scandalized when I tell them I don’t follow cricket. This one time in college, I walk into class and everyone is talking about yesterday’s match.

Friend #1: “I think the umpire’s 2nd decision was unwarranted. The ball was way outside leg.”
Friend #2: “Ponting shouldn’t have declared despite that – The reverse swing was appreciable. I still think it was outside leg”
“What do you think?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t watch cricket.”

There is a stunned silence in the room as the enormity of my stupidity dissipates through the class. Everyone is looking at me like I’m a crocodile from a different planet.

Friend #1: “YOU DIDN’T WATCH YESTERDAY’S MATCH?”
Me: “err..hmmm….err…no? Did I miss something?”
Friend #2: “TRAITOR! KILL HIM! HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN TO THE FAN!”
Rest of the Crowd: “Yeeeessss!!! (chorus) Hang him! Hang him!“

It wasn’t that bad, but you get the picture. I have since then learnt that saying you don’t watch cricket means you’ll be treated like an outcast. So, I fake it.

Friend #1: “…and so the ball was outside leg. It wasn’t out. What do you think?”
Me: “Yes. That was the turning point of the match!”
Friend #1: “Yes! And if that idiot umpire…”

“Turning point” is a good fake to use, because all incidents can be turning points of the match. People can’t tell if you are faking it. But you have to be careful to use this strategy and not say too much. It can get you into trouble.

Friend #1: “What did you think of the match yesterday?”
Me: “It was a good match. Sachin’s innings was eventful.”
(Note the use of the generic “eventful”. If Sachin scored 0, it was eventful, if he scored 100, it was still eventful. This normally works, except if you’re so stupid that you didn’t know Sachin is not playing)
Friend #2: “Sachin is not playing in the T20 worldcup!”
Me: “Did I say Sachin? I meant Sourav.”
Friend #1: “Ganguly is not playing either. Did you really watch the match?”
Me: “Look there! Rakhi Sawant!”

Friends turn around to where I pointed. I run away…

• 7 Comments

Apparently, Life is unfair. I was shocked to find out. I always thought that Life came with a lifetime warranty. Unfortunately, as it turns out, that isn’t true.

When I was little, I thought everyone got turns getting first rank in class. I first started getting suspicious when the same girl got the first rank for the whole year in 3rd standard. But when I didn’t get my first rank in 6th standard also, I thought something was wrong, so I went and asked my teacher.

Me: “Ma’am, when will I get the first rank?”
Teacher: “Eh? You want to get the first rank? That’ll be the day. Hehehee”
Me: “When will my turn come?”
Teacher: “If you want the first rank, why don’t you study?”
Me: “WHAT? I HAVE TO STUDY TO GET FIRST RANK?”

After that episode, I permanently gave up the dream of getting a first rank. But I still had faith that Life was fair.

My faith was fundamentally shaken when in college, one day after the internal exams, we were, as usual, arguing about marks with the lecturer.

Me: “But this answer is exactly correct. You have to give me full marks for this question.”
Lecturer: “That’s not what the text book says. The book says ‘public static void’ is the signature of the main function. You’ve written ‘static public’ instead of ‘public static’. No marks for you”
Me: “But it’s the exact same thing. The ORDER doesn’t matter. YOU ARE WRONG!”
Lecturer: “DON’T RAISE YOUR VOICE! I will call the principal”
Me: “But my answer is correct. Go check with any compiler. You have to give me marks!”

As I was standing there, negotiating my marks like haggling over the price of tomatoes with a street vendor, a pretty girl walked up to the lecturer.

Pretty Girl : “Sir, it seems there has been a mistake in my marks. Can you please increase the marks for this question?”
Lecturer: “Why?”
Pretty Girl: “Sir, because you are a fair and ethical person and because if you give me 1 more mark, then I’ll get 25, and I’ll be very thankful to you, and I’ll tell everyone how nice a person you are”
Lecturer: “Well, OK. Here, 25-on-25.”
Pretty Girl: “Thank you so much sir!”
Me: “WHAT? YOU GAVE HER MARKS AND YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME MARKS? HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?”
Lecturer: “Shut up and go sit down.”

Eventually, I didn’t get the extra marks. The pretty girl later told me that you have to be nice and polite when you ask for favors. Give the other person what they want. In this case, the Lecturer wanted some respect, and that’s what she gave him. The Lecturer didn’t want to be told he’s an idiot for not knowing simple stuff.

This, apparently, is called “street smarts”. Interestingly, I don’t have any of it, but some pretty girls seem to have lots of this stuff. Have you noticed how they seem to get most of what they want?

Anyway, I ended up marrying that pretty girl, but she promised not to use any tricks to manipulate me like she did that teacher in college.

Well, I have to go now and drop my wife to her friend’s place, pick up her clothes from the laundry and arrange for dinner. See ya’ll tomorrow.

Wait a minute…

• 6 Comments

Hi Everyone,

As you’ve probably noticed, I spent last week re-designing the site. There were (as usual) a few glitches. The RSS feed disappeared for a while, but is back working now. There is also a feed for comments. The E-Mail delivery was disrupted for yesterday, but you should start receiving the posts in your email from today. To sign up for email delivery of the blog everyday, enter your email address in the sidebar.

There are also some new features: The widget on the left shows your latest comments in real time, and you can forward blog posts as an email directly from the website by using the ‘Forward to Friend’ link at the bottom of every post.

Anyway, all the hard-work means that the blog is now web 2.0-compatible. If you have no idea what that means, read on.

Aditya’s web 2.0 FAQ

Q: Why does it say “beta” on your logo?
A: Because that’s web 2.0

Q: What’s with the flashy banner and the ads?
A: That’s web 2.0

Q: Your site takes longer to load now with all the graphics and ads.
A: …but it’s more web 2.0

Q: What is this whole web 2.0 business?
A: You must be new here. Hang around the internet for a while, and the answer will come to you. It’s a little bit like getting enlightenment.

• 0 Comments