I’ve stopped following cricket for a while now. I used to be big on cricket back in school, but since the whole match-fixing thing broke out, I’ve lost interest. But the obviousness that all matches have been fixed doesn’t seem to have affected the vast majority of the country. They still watch the game with exactly the same enthusiasm.

The problem of being a non-cricket watching Indian is that many people think of that as being the same as being an orangutan – Almost human, but not quite.

Several people are scandalized when I tell them I don’t follow cricket. This one time in college, I walk into class and everyone is talking about yesterday’s match.

Friend #1: “I think the umpire’s 2nd decision was unwarranted. The ball was way outside leg.”
Friend #2: “Ponting shouldn’t have declared despite that – The reverse swing was appreciable. I still think it was outside leg”
“What do you think?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t watch cricket.”

There is a stunned silence in the room as the enormity of my stupidity dissipates through the class. Everyone is looking at me like I’m a crocodile from a different planet.

Friend #1: “YOU DIDN’T WATCH YESTERDAY’S MATCH?”
Me: “err..hmmm….err…no? Did I miss something?”
Friend #2: “TRAITOR! KILL HIM! HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN TO THE FAN!”
Rest of the Crowd: “Yeeeessss!!! (chorus) Hang him! Hang him!“

It wasn’t that bad, but you get the picture. I have since then learnt that saying you don’t watch cricket means you’ll be treated like an outcast. So, I fake it.

Friend #1: “…and so the ball was outside leg. It wasn’t out. What do you think?”
Me: “Yes. That was the turning point of the match!”
Friend #1: “Yes! And if that idiot umpire…”

“Turning point” is a good fake to use, because all incidents can be turning points of the match. People can’t tell if you are faking it. But you have to be careful to use this strategy and not say too much. It can get you into trouble.

Friend #1: “What did you think of the match yesterday?”
Me: “It was a good match. Sachin’s innings was eventful.”
(Note the use of the generic “eventful”. If Sachin scored 0, it was eventful, if he scored 100, it was still eventful. This normally works, except if you’re so stupid that you didn’t know Sachin is not playing)
Friend #2: “Sachin is not playing in the T20 worldcup!”
Me: “Did I say Sachin? I meant Sourav.”
Friend #1: “Ganguly is not playing either. Did you really watch the match?”
Me: “Look there! Rakhi Sawant!”

Friends turn around to where I pointed. I run away…

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