When I was little - maybe in 6th standard - we used to play this game called Lagori. Many of you have probably heard of it, played it even. It’s this violent game where some 6-10 kids get together with the explicit purpose of smacking the opponent team with a rubber ball. And we used to play with these hard rubber balls that used to *really* sting your skin when hit. There were some rules to this game - Like knocking down and rebuilding a pile of stones, but the main purpose was to see who can cause the most damage.

There was another game too - called ‘Churchand’. This game was like Lagori, but with all the non-violent bits removed. In this game, there were no stones or teams - You got to smack everybody with a hard rubber ball. The game was played until someone started crying, got hurt, started bleeding or broke something. Ah! Those were the good times.

Anyway, so we’re playing Lagori this one time on the street in front of our house. There are maybe 8 kids playing, and as it happens, I’m holding the rubber ball in my hand. I’ve already singled out the my victim for the day. It was a kid called “Rohit”. I hated this kid because he had refused to let me copy from him earlier that day. “Cheater, Cheater, Cowdung Eater” he’d called me. Oh, how I hated him. I was determined to have my revenge. He was near the center, with his back towards me, busy rebuilding the Lagori.

This was it. I prepared to smack him. I swung my arm all the way to the back, and using all my strength, hurled the ball, full speed, aimed dead center at his back. I even added the ‘wrist flick’ for that extra speed.

Just a few milli-seconds after the ball left my hand, I realized that the ball was going to miss him. “Oh, damn! damn! damn!” I was cursing myself at having missed the golden opportunity, when I heard the dreaded sound.

*CRASH*

The Sound of glass shattering.

This sound has the most interesting effect on kids, if you ever have the chance to observe it. Everyone there froze, dead in their track. For a few milli-seconds, everybody’s life flashed through their eyes, and the doomsday scenario of getting beaten with a cane from the parents replayed in everyone’s minds.

It took everyone only a couple of seconds to recover and flee. All of us ran for our lives. And before the owner of the house whose window I had shattered could come out to investigate, all the 8 of us had fled in different directions, and the street was completely empty.

Rohit and I had ended up hiding behind the same garage. It seemed like we had successfully managed to escape. We congratulated each other for our quick thinking and waited a few more seconds before returning to our houses.

But that’s the problem of being a kid. You can’t think beyond the immediate present. The neighbor, of course, went to another kid’s house, threatened him with a cane, and got the name of the culprit - me.

I still remember that day. I got a real good smacking from my dad. He beat the crap out of me, and made me promise I wouldn’t play Lagori in the street ever again.

Luckily, kids have a very short-term memory, and we were back the next week on the street - This time playing cricket.

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I don’t understand this whole Global Warming debate. Everyone is up in arms about how all that extra CO2 is making the earth warmer. Here’s my question:

It’s a total fraud. Have you noticed how cold it is these days?

I say global warming is a good thing. I think turning up the earth’s temperature a little bit might be a good idea, because I’m feeling cold all the time. Oh, I can already hear the skeptics with their questions. For your convenience, I’ve anticipated and answered all your questions here:

Aditya’s Global Warming FAQ

Q: If the world’s temperatures rise, the sea level will rise.
A: No problems. We’ll use all the extra water for irrigation and grow more crops.

Q: What about using renewable fuel?
A: I have a really good idea for this. Let’s suck the extra mass out of fat people and burn it as fuel. This has twin benefits - There’s a endless supply of fat people, and you get cheap electricity. Plus, it is carbon neutral. This has to be the best idea ever.

Q: It is our responsibility to stop pollution.
A: That’s what we have Air Conditioners for - to keep the pollution outside. And if you really want fresh air, mosquitoes will come along. You don’t want that, do you?

Q: But look at the big picture
A: The big picture is this - The Sun is running out of fuel and is going to explode into a Giant Red Fireball in 4 billion years or so, eating up the Earth. So, there’s no point cleaning up, really.

Q: Not that big a picture. Something smaller?
A: OK. Most people breathe out CO2. If we can just somehow get rid of some 100 million people, it’ll dramatically reduce pollution.

Q: We should recycle more to help save the planet.
A: Recycling paper and plastic can only do so much. The real thing we need to recycle are electrons. Have you thought about how many electrons have to travel over the internet for you to read this blog? How do you feel wasting millions of electrons? Learn to recycle electrons - Forward this blog to all your friends to return the electrons back to the internet.

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The 6th and 7th semester of college is popularly known as the GRE and CAT season. This is the time when perfectly normal people start getting worried about their future and doing silly things. Like studying for GRE, GMAT, CAT, Goat and whatnot. The whole atmosphere of the college changes.

Before the season:
Me: “Good Morning, man. How was your weekend?”
Friend #1: “Cool!”

During the season:
Me: “Good Morning, man. How was your weekend?”
Friend #1: “Exhilarating! My amicable indulgence commensurate with the diaphanous medium resulted in mastication.”
Me: “You got hit by a bus?”
Friend #1: “No, I saw a bad movie.”
Me: “What’s with the heavy language?”
Friend #1: “I’m mugging the GRE word list. The book says to use it on friends.”

As this weirdness continued around me, I was starting to feel left out of the race. I had no idea what the race was, but you rarely know these things. Anyway, I decided to enroll into a CAT class because everyone else was doing it.

On the first day of this class, we had a mock “Group Discussion”. The Instructor gave the topic: “Euthanasia”. Now, to be honest, I had no idea what the topic meant, but maybe the voices in my head could help?

Voice #1: “I think it’s a eastern European country”
Voice #2: “No, I think it is ‘Youth-In-Asia’. Talk about how the kids are getting addicted to the TV these days.”
Russian Voice: “???, ??? ???????? ??????? ????????!”

I decided to go with Voice #2 because I know more about TV than about Eastern Europe. And because I have no idea what the Russian dude is saying.

As soon as the instructor said start, I launched into a passionate speech.

“Today’s youth is watching too much TV. The idiot box is intruding into the creativity of our youth and making them lazy. Death to the TV, I say! It is our responsibility to ban the saas-bahu serials!”

There was a look of shocked disbelief on faces of the other participants and the instructor had his hand on his forehead. This could mean only one thing: I had smashed the debate with one powerful argument, and left everyone speechless!

Instructor: “Err…Hmm….Let’s stop this discussion here and try a new topic.”
Me: “Did I win? Do I get a prize?”
Instructor: “Mr. Aditya, Can you come see me outside for a minute?”

It turns out that Euthanasia means Mercy Killing by Doctors. I never understand why these MBA-types use fancy words like “Euthanasia” when a simple “Mercy Killing” would be sufficient. Anyway, the Instructor patiently explained to me that I would need to put in significant effort in reading and become more well versed in current affairs before the next class. He asked me what I usually read.

Me: “I read Tinkle and all the comic strips in Bangalore Times. I sometimes also read Archie comics”

For the second time today, he seemed to be at a loss for words. I thought these MBA-types were good communicators. He must not be a very good instructor.

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Have you noticed how some people are very nervous when they’re traveling? They seem to plan their trips endlessly, weeks in advance. My wife has that tendency.

Wife (2 weeks before travel date) : “OK, Here’s the packing plan. All clothes go into this bag and all the shoes and purses go into this bag…”
Me (4 hours before flight): “Hmm…I’m probably going to need a bag to take stuff. Do we have a big bag?”

Since they’re planning so much in advance, you’d think that as the date approaches, they’ll be calm and composed, because everything has been planned and taken care of. Quite the contrary.

Wife: “What kind of questions will immigration ask? I hope they don’t flunk me.”
Me: “They’ll ask you to quote from Shakespeare.”
Wife: “Really? Why?”
Me: “To check if you’re a Terrorist. Terrorists hate Shakespeare”

I keep telling my wife that it is not possible to get lost at airports. These days the security is so tight at airports that if you stray out of the way even a little bit, they’ll catch you and make sure to put you on your flight. But this answer doesn’t satisfy everybody.

Wife: “After I get off at Heathrow, how do I know which is the next plane to catch?”
Me (patiently trying to answer): “You just look for the gate for flight number. There will be signs to guide you.”
Wife: “Where will the signs be?”
Me (loosing it): “It’ll be written on a wooden board on the side of the plane. “LON <--> NY” Just like trains. They’ll also have a reservation chart…”

I make fun of these people, but my carelessness and lack of planning is probably the reason I’ve missed more than one connecting flight, had my name called out on the public announcement system several times for not showing up at the boarding gate on time and lost my bags so many times that they’ve probably seen more places than I have. Does this mean that I should become more careful? Of course not! Being lazy and careless in one of the primary pillars of Adityaism! I always follow my principles. Except if I’m feeling lazy.

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Hurray, here comes the rain,
Traffic jams and all the pain
Oh Rain, please come again,
And bring with you the overflowing drains.

Thundering clouds, bring all your darkness
Cut our Electricity, leave us TV-less.
Crashing down, no mercy you showed
Digging giant potholes in our roads.

But dear dark clouds, I wait for you every night,
Come quick, and come with all your might.
Thunder through the sky like a scar
Please come down and wash my car!

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Hi Everyone,

I wanted to answer a couple of questions that some of you have asked.

Q: What does the copyright notice one the bottom of the feed mean? Can I forward the blogposts to my friends?
A: The copyright notice only says that I (Aditya Kulkarni) have created this original content. It does not mean you have to pay for it or have to ask permission to re-distribute it. Please feel free to send this blog to as many people as you want. Hell, spam everyone with it

Q: Where did you buy the yellow car from yesterday’s post?
A: My Wife bought it at the Landmark store at the Forum. They have a mezzanine floor for these kinds of things. It was a limited-edition, so you might not get the exact same copy, but you can try.

Thanks for reading the blog, everyone. I appreciate all the nice things ya’ll have said If you want to subscribe to this blog, use this feed. To get the blog delivered by email, enter your email address in the sidebar.

• 1 Comment

I’m feeling good today. So I’m going to show off my toy car collection to ya’ll

1) This is my oldest toy car that I’ve not destroyed yet.

2) I stole this from a kid that came to our house a while ago. I hid his toy car. When the Kids’ parents decided to leave:
Kids Parents: “Come on, Rohit. Let’s go!”
Kid: “I can’t find my Car!”
Parents: “You always lose your things. Why can’t you be more careful?”
Kid (starts crying) :”*sniff* I am sure I left it right here *sniff* booohoooohooo”
Me (to myself) : “Muhahahahhahaa (evil laugh)”

3) I bought these in China. Only 5 rupees each. (If you recognized them as the cars from “Speed Racer” from Cartoon Network, call me. We have a lot in common)

4) It’s a remote controlled car that can do the equivalent of 0-100 kmph in 3.4 seconds. It has headlights and indicators. My GF bought it for me. That’s when I decided to marry her.

5) I bought this on the Roadside near a Halli. Looks like the Scorpio.

6) A friend, let’s call him Anishman, got this as a wedding gift. It’s a 1:18 scale model of the 1936 Mercedes 500 K TYP Roadster. I keep this next to all the Ganesha Pictures that came as wedding gift.

Yes, I’m 25 years old. Why do you ask?

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