I hear voices in my head. I’ve always heard them, even when I was little. I thought it was normal. After all, everyone kept talking about stuff like “My Conscience tells me that…” or “My inner voice says…”. I assumed that’s what everyone was talking about.

The only problem is that the voices seem to have a will of their own. They seem to be vaguely interested in me and my life, but mostly they have an independent agenda. Mostly it is good company to have them around, but sometimes they can get quite annoying.

Like this time, back in PU College, when this really cute girl came up to me and said “Nice T-Shirt”.

Voice #1: “What mate, getting lucky today, eh?”
Voice #2: “Tell her that you wore the same shirt yesterday and forgot to take a bath today. Yeah, chicks dig that!”

Me (trying to ignore the voices, to the cute girl): “Why thank you! I picked it out just yesterday!”

Voice #1: “Hey everyone, check this out. Our man is actually talking to a real girl!”
I suddenly hear a lot of noise in my head. It’s like in a theatre just before the movie starts. Lot of murmuring going around. Suddenly, in my head, there is a new voice with a strange accent.

New Voice: “??? ?????????? ??????”
Voice #1: “What? Who are you?”
Voice #2: “Is that russian? How do you speak russian?”
Voice #1: “Looks like he’s from a previous birth. Poor thing. Some one should tell him the re-incarnation is complete.”
Voice #2: “…go..back..this..is..a..new..life..do..you..understand..”

In the meanwhile, the cute girl really seems to be liking me. She’s already asked for my name, and is now trying to make a conversation.

Cute Girl: “…and so, that book changed my life. Do you read a lot?”
Me: “Yeah. All the time. Read is all I do. That’s my thing!”

This was back when I hadn’t perfected my lying skills. I just blurted out whatever came out.

Cute Girl: “Really? Who is your favorite author?”

Now I was in trouble. Not only did I not read anything, I didn’t even know any random names to throw around. I felt I should say “Whoever wrote our Physics text book. I like it because it’s pretty small, eh?”, but that didn’t sound sophisticated enough.

Me (to the voices inside my head): “Hey guys, a little help?”
Voice #1 (ignoring me): “…and you can take your fancy russian accent back to Serbia. I am the leader over here!”
Voice #2: “Err…I think you mean Siberia. Serbia is a different country”
Voice #1: “Oh, you SHUT UP! You’re going to be going too, if you don’t watch out”
New Voice: “? ????????? ???? ???? ????!”
Voice #1: “What did he say? Listen mister, you’re gonna get it real bad…”

Me (to the voices inside my head): “Take it easy guys. Relax. Focus a bit on the outside. I need some help!”
Voice #2 (ignoring me): “If you don’t watch your language, You’ll be the one back in Russia…”

I hear a lot of shoving and raised voices inside my head. Sounds of something crashing. This is great. A fight has broken out inside my head amongst the voices. And they’re thrashing the place. Now I know why my IQ keeps dropping. I’m standing there just staring blankly like a fool. I decided to take matters into my own hands, seeing there was no help coming from the brain department.

Me (to the cute girl): “I mostly read Classical Russian Literature”
Cute Girl: “Really?”

There is suddenly a shocked silence in my head. All the fighting seems to have stopped.

Voice #1: “What did you just say? ARE YOU CRAZY?”
Voice #2: “Classical literature? All you’ve read are comic books!”
Voice #1: “Old Tinkle comics is as close to Classical as you’ve gotten!”
Me (to the voices): “I don’t know why I said that! Quick, tell me some Russian authors’ name”
Voice #1: “Err…..OK, go with ‘Elizabeth Taylor’ “
Voice #2: “That’s not Russian. Try Vodka Martini.”
Voice #1: “That’s not even a NAME!”
Russian Voice : “Mikhail Kalashnikov! Mikhail Kalashnikov!”
Voice #1: “Isn’t he the dude that invented the AK-47?”
Voice #2: “Doesn’t matter. It sounds Russian enough. Go with it”

Me (to the cute girl): “Yeah, Mostly Mikhail Kalashnikov”

The girl’s expression turns into a frown. Oh, no! She’s knows about the AK-47. Aaaarrrrghhh. You stupid voices! You’ve gotten me killed. Oh no! Why do I even listen to you?

Cute Girl: “Kalashnikov? Yes, sounds familiar. You should tell me more about him. I’ve gotta go to class now, but I’ll see you later!”

Phew! Just Saved!

Me (to the voices): “Guys, that was a close one!”
Voice #1: “Yeah. Good for you. Russian Voice, you’re not so bad after all! Come on, I’ll show you around!”
Russian Voice: “???????, ???????!”

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