Jet Lag is a common phenomenon. Lots of people apparently have trouble sleeping when they suddenly make large time-zone shifts. My sister even claims to feel jet lag when traveling from Mumbai to Bangalore (because of the 3-degree change in longitude, apparently).

Jet lag itself doesn’t seem to affect me much, but I suffer from what I call Food Jet-Lag. I’m surprised that other people don’t. My stomach has trouble adjusting to the timezone more that my brain does. That kinda makes sense, because my stomach is the center of my thoughts, and my brain is asleep all the time anyway.

So, I recently got back from the US auf A. The first day went by without any problem, I had dinner and went off to sleep.

Then, at 2:30 AM, I hear some strange noises. I wake up with a start. It’s my tummy growling. It thinks it is Lunch Time. The wife is sound asleep. And to make things worse, the voices in my head start talking too.

Voice #1: “I’m in the mood for Pizza!”
Voice #2: “Yeah. How about a thin-crust pizza with tomato and pineapple toppings, with a layer of cheese on top. And to finish of, some olives and paneer pieces sprinkled ever so lightly…Ah, the flavour…”
Voice #1: “Aaahhh! I can smell it already!”

The graphic description is just too much for me. I’m starting to feel *real* hungry now. I try to see if the wife is awake.

Me: “Are you awake?”
Wife (making a feeble attempt at waking up): “XwuiqaDuriTkjdOas?”
Me: “I’m Hungry!”
Wife: “……………”
She’s probably decided that I’m a bad dream and decided to ignore it. Well, I guess I’m on my own.

I wander down over to the kitchen and try to dig up something from the fridge. As I sit down with my cold food, I wonder if I should attempt to cook up something, but quickly decide against it, based on my previous experiences with cooking.

I start eating, and that gets me thinking: What causes Jet Lag? Based on all the evidence I’ve seen and heard from other people, I come to the most logical conclusion: Jet Lag provides a great excuse for slacking off at home from all your chores for the next several weeks. You can always claim that “This jet lag is very brutal. Can you please do <insert most hated household chore here> for me?“

You can then go and watch TV. If your wife asks how come you’re not asleep, you can quote the several scientific studies that prove beyond doubt that watching TV helps fight Jet Lag.

I think the person that invented Jet Lag was an absolute genius. Don’t you agree?

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Starting this week, I’m going to do all of humanity a great service and start an advice column. To kick off this week, there are some questions people have asked me often. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.

My Boss keeps asking me to do work, and that leaves me with no time to read your blog. What should I do?
- Arvind

I feel for you my friend. I can’t believe there are still barbaric people in this world that prevent ordinary, honest people like you from reading blogs at work. This is a clear violation of basic human rights.
Here’s what I recommend you do:
When your boss is out for a Coffee break, go to his Comp. Open up Outlook, Word and some other applications. Then take a screenshot of the screen and save it as a JPEG. And then, close all the applications, hide all the desktop icons and set this image as the desktop background.

When your boss comes back, he’ll click all over the desktop wondering why is his comp is not responding. He’ll restart a few times, the desktop image will come back, and the cycle repeats.

This should keep your boss busy all day, and that should give you plenty of time to read this blog.

I have a practical lab exam coming up next week, and I have no idea programming is all about. What should I do?
- Bobby

You know, it is my opinion that College education is totally overrated. I encourage you to follow Bill Gate’s example and flunk your lab exam. Purposefully. Then go ahead and draw cartoons in all your theory papers and make sure you flunk those too. Don’t make the mistake of passing your exams.

This way, you’ll be able to drop out of college. And then you can start doing something really useful with your life. I highly recommend writing a blog. There’s no future in writing a blog, no money and no hope for anything, but hey, it’s the satisfaction of the soul that matters.

There’s this really cute guy in my team, and I want him to come to me and ask me out. What should I do?
- Arpita

This is a trick question. The answer depends on what kind of guy he is. If he’s all deep and wants a meaningful relationship and talks of “soulmates”, you’re better of spending your time watching Shahrukh Khan on TV. In fact, you should walk up to him and say “Hey Buster! Shallow is the new Deep, haven’t you heard?”.

If, on the other hand, he’s shallow and not very bright, then he’s a good catch. Get him a nice Chocolate Cake. That’s all it should take.

I just bought a mobile phone last month, but there is this new phone that was released this week, and I want it really bad. What should I do?
- Darendra

As many readers on the blog have pointed out, the most optimal strategy for tackling this is to accidentally “loose” your phone. That should be a good excuse to get a new one. I know a friend who’s an expert at this. Works for him everytime.

If you have questions for Aditya’s Advice Column, send mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Your identity will be kept confidential (If I feel like it).

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Hey everyone! I’m sorry I’ve not been posting regularly. But I’ve been really busy playing with my latest electronic toy - A Digital Voice recorder.

This thing has me totally hooked. It allows me to record anything, anytime and play it back later. I always carry it around. It’s fun to hear my own voice. Just think of all the things you can do! You can send the voice recorder to all your meetings where it will record what everyone said, so that you can ignore it later. Also, you can use the time you saved by doing more productive things, like reading this blog.

But the best part is that now I can tell jokes to myself. Usually, it’s difficult to laugh at your own jokes. Kinda like tickling yourself. But this way, I can tell a joke to myself, and then play it back later when I’m feeling down. My own jokes sound so much funnier when I hear them later!

I feel so bad for not having this when I was in College. I could have sent this to the class and gone playing snooker.

Me: “Prof, I’m not going to come to class from tomorrow. But I’m going to send my Voice Recorder instead to listen to your lecture. Please give me attendance”
Prof: “No. If you’re not in class, no attendance”
Me: “But this thingy is so much better than me.”
Prof: “How?”
Me: “Well, the Recorder won’t organize a tic-tac-toe tournament during your lecture distracting everyone in a 10-foot radius.”
Prof: “It’s a deal!”

Having the Recorder is a little bit like having the ability to time-travel. You can ask everyone to talk into the recorder in the present, and listen to it in the future, and respond to their past questions in the future, which is really the present when you play it, which means we are currently in the future. Or is that the past? Hmm…I’m presently confusing my future self.

Anyway, I think this will come very useful when having “discussions” with the wife.

Wife: “We need to talk about the shopping we need to do for Diwali”
Me: “Sure. Why don’t you tell my Recorder everything, and I’ll get back to you when my TV show ends”
Wife: “I think you need to start paying more attention to what is happening in the real world instead of….”
Me: “Can you tell that to the Recorder too? And, it can only store 44 hours of sound, so…Try to keep it short, OK?”

I think that will work great, no?

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[Part 1 of this series is here]

As I made my way to the front of the stage from the last row of the auditorium, I was wondering how this could be possible! Did I really win the “Best Outgoing Student”?

I had a bad feeling about this. I kept thinking that as soon as the HOD saw me, she’d say:
HOD: “Oh, YOU are Aditya Kulkarni? I thought it was that skinny guy with glasses that has 100% attendance. I’m sorry, this award is not for you. You can go back and sit now.”

Or maybe as I got on the stage, they’d say:
HOD: “Aditya has always been outstanding - Standing out of the class, that is! Harharhar…”

Or the HOD would say
HOD: “We decided to give this award to him to make sure he takes it and never comes back here again!”

But nothing of that sort happened. I went on stage, was given the award and (some cash prize too!). I, however, did notice the “Bastard-I’ll-Kill-You” look on Drinivas’s and Dwetha’s faces. I tried to avoid them for the next several weeks.

That didn’t help though. In the weeks that followed, I had an unusually high number of “Buffalo encounters”. I’d be driving peacefully, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a Buffalo would come out, and I’d almost hit it. I was pretty sure that Drinivas had paid supari to the Buffalo Overlords, but I couldn’t prove it. Even to this day, I carry a concealed pepper-spray whenever I meet Drinivas.

But in all that confusion, I forgot to do the most important thing - Give an Award-Acceptance speech! I’ve always been jealous of the Oscar award winners and their acceptance speeches, and this was my one chance, and I forgot about it.

Anyway, since I didn’t get the chance to waste hundred’s of people’s time, I’ll just have to waste yours instead.

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Back in College, they used to give out this “Best Outgoing Student Award” every year. There were two frontrunners for that award in our batch.

This first guy, lets call him Drinivas, was easily the smartest guy in the class. The second contender, lets call her Dwetha, had a photographic memory, and had straight first-ranks.

So in the final year, the day of the awards ceremony finally came, the whole college is sitting in the massive auditorium, and the Head-of-the-Department is on stage, about to make the announcement for this year’s award.

HOD: “We have a very special winner for the award this year…“
Drinivas is getting very nervous with anticipation. He adjusts his tie. Finally, the peak of his academic career is here. Winning this award will complete his Engineering degree.
Dwetha is on the edge of her seat. She’s wondering what she’s going to do with the award money. Maybe buy some shoes.
I’m sitting in the very last row of the auditorium, telling jokes about chicken and frogs.

HOD:”…and to honour the spectacular achievements, this year’s ‘Best Outgoing Student’ is…“

Drinivas is sweating like crazy. He’s very close to having a heart attack with all the anticipation the HOD is building up with the award. He decides he’ll snatch the award from the HODs hand when he goes on stage to get it.
Dwetha prepares to get up and wave to the crowd as it will go out of control with glee when she wins the award. Oh! Think of the applause!
Me: “…and the chicken says to the frog…“

HOD: “…goes to ADITYA KULKARNI!!!“

There is a stunned silence in the entire Auditorium. Now, it is true that I was well known in College with all the profs, but for all the wrong reasons. Everyone waits for the HOD to apologize for her mistake of reading out the winner of the ‘owner-of-the-dirtiest-bike’ instead of the best student.

After 30 seconds of pin-drop silence, everyone realizes that this is not a mistake. The audience lets out collect gasp of shock.

My friends next to me elbow me, telling me to get up and go on the stage. I’m so shell shocked that I didn’t even finish my joke. As I make my way from the back of the last row, someone hands me a tie that I clumsily put on, combing my hair with my hand, and carefully avoiding Drinivas and Dwetha, who look like they’re going to kill me.

[Update: Second part is here]

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I knew this guy in college, lets call him Chitradeep Chetty*. This guy had one of the most colorful lives I’ve ever known.

He couldn’t speak a word of Hindi, but that didn’t stop him from taking Hindi as a subject in College. He’d just sit in class and while away time, telling jokes about how chickens crossed the road.

So one day Chitradeep and I are sitting in Hindi class, having a good time. The prof is getting increasingly frustrated with the volume of our laughter, but that doesn’t slow us down.

Me: “I got another one. What ad did the Chicken put in the matrimonial section?“
Chitradeep: “Tell me…“
Me: “Age no bar, eggs bar bar“
Chitradeep (laughing hysterically): “Hehoehehaohahahaha…*snort*…hehehe“

At this point, the prof looses his patience. He yells
Prof: “CHITRADEEP CHETTY! Stand Up!”

And Chitradeep stands up, pretending to be mortified.

Prof: “?? ???? ?? ?? ????? ???? ???” (What do you think of yourself?)

There are 2 problems happening here, simultaneously. Chitradeep doesn’t understand any Hindi, but doesn’t want to admit it to the Prof.

Chitradeep: “Sir…I was…err…hmmm…reading the next chapter“
Prof: “?? ??? ???? ???? ??? ?????!” (Get out of the class immediately!)

Now Chitradeep is contemplating what the Professor might have said. He looks at me. I roll my eyes and slightly move my head, indicating him to get out of the class.

Chitradeep decides that this means “Sit down“

Chitradeep: “Thank you, Sir.“
…and sits down.

The Prof is totally lost for a minute. He’s really confused as to why Chitradeep would sit down when he explicitly asked him to get out. He turns to the class, and sarcastically remarks:
Prof: “?? ?? ?? ????? ???? ?????? ???? ??? ?? ?????? ????? ?? ???? ?????” (Kids these days are such idiots that they need to be beaten up with shoes)

Chitradeep turns towards me and whispers: “I think he likes me…“

Chitradeep has had so many misadventures that I could fill a book with it. He once took us to a restaurant to treat us for his birthday. Then, when the bill came, he literally jumped up, and ran out from the restaurant. We had to chase him through the streets and traffic. Another time, he tried to negotiate with the bouncers outside a discotheque to return his cover charge because, in his words, “there’s only dudes inside, man!”.

But to be fair to him, he’s generally a nice guy. He calls me every year on his birthday to remind me that I forgot to wish him.

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“So, What are your hobbies?”

This is my most-hated question of all time. It is also the question that I get asked the most frequently. Usually, when you meet a new person, after the initial introductions and “where do you work?”-talk, this question inevitably comes up.

Have have never been able to patiently explain to anyone that I don’t have any hobbies. Everyone expects you to have meaningful hobbies that help you grow as a person - Like Carpentry or Reading Philosophy or studying the history of Stamps.

The closest I’ve come to a hobby is collecting comic books, but apparently that misses the whole “personal growth” thing. I inevitably get asked “How old are you again?” when I tell anyone I collect comic books.

I usually want to tell people that my hobby is: “I like collecting dried blood from dead insects that I like to kill with my bare hands“. At least they won’t ask any more questions after that. I tried this a couple of times, but I’m really scared someone will say “Me too!” and start discussing effective ways to dry dead mosquitoes.

The hobby question comes in different varieties - “What do you do on weekends?” or “What do you do in your spare time?” I think people who ask this question are really saying: “Tell me more about yourself, things that interest you and you are deeply passionate about”. Why don’t people understand that I’m a really shallow and superficial person? I don’t have any “deep” interests!

I think the world at large discriminates against shallow and superficial people. Have you noticed how all the bad guys in movies are shown as being really superficial? They’re only interested in money and don’t care about the “deeper feelings of Friendship, Empathy and Love for everyone?“. Oh Please. If you had money, you could outsource the “deeper feelings of Friendship, Empathy and Love for everyone” to someone else and focus on the “shallow joys of flying in your private jet“.

You know what, I’m going to make it my hobby to spread my ideas about “shallow and superficial living” to the world. I already have a religion to go with it. I’ve also thought up some catchy slogans:

“Meditation will only get you peace of mind. For a peaceful soul, gamble money at a casino!“

“Friendship and Love won’t get you to heaven, but Vodka will. Vodka: Anti-freeze for the soul!“

See Also:
- My Comic Book Collection
- My Toy Car Collection
- Adityaism - My new Religion (beta)
- How to fake Philosophy as a Hobby

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