In today’s highly competitive world, you need all the tools to get ahead. Appearing to be spiritual will help you tremendously, and so I’m going to teach you how to be a fake philosopher today.

The official definition of philosophy is “Stuff that no one really understands”. It is similar to Jargoneese, but different at the same levels in that Jargoneese and Philosophy have similar differences. Jargoneese is using symbolism to re-interpret vagaries of daily life, while philosophy is using vagaries of daily life to re-interpret symbolism. Got it? Good. Continue reading…

The following are some tips that will help you sound like a philosopher:

Tip #1: Use simple words, but complex constructs.
It is a common misconception that Philosophers use big words. You’ll get the best effect if you use simple words, but construct sentences that are difficult to understand. The central idea is to awe the victim. Your victim should feel stupid that he can’t understand what you’re saying despite you using such simple language.

Boring Guy: “How’s life man?”
Wrong Answer: “It’s great! I crashed into a Bufallo last week, I think I’m going to flunk this year, and I forgot to have lunch today. Other that that, it’s awesome.”
Right Answer™ : “It’s like a bread crumb in a tomato soup. You can float without swimming, but eventually you’ll get eaten.”

Tip #2: Use oxymoronic opposites.
The best kind of philosophy is the kind that your brain simply can’t comprehend. There are plenty of ways to achieve this effect, but by far the easiest is to use 2 opposite words together, so that their combined meaning is incomprehensible, and at best, impossible. Good examples include:

“similar differences”
“burning ice”
“irrationality principle”
“satisfied life”

Try to use as many of these in your sentences. Eg:

“The irrationality principle advocated by Kant suffers from the ‘burning ice’ problem leading to similar differences from his earlier work on realizing a satisfied life”

Tip #3: Say “I’ll give you an example”. Then don’t give the example.
Examples are usually given to explain something because people learn quicker if they can relate it to something they already know. This is a very powerful weapon, if you use only half of it. Give an example of something that your victim is familiar with, but don’t explain how to relate it.

Clueless guy after watching the Matrix: “Huh? What does the movie mean?”
Wrong Answer: “See…Neo is the One, (“neo” is just “one” spelt differently) and he’s fighting the machines that are running a virtual world…”
Right Answer™ : “It’s quite simple actually. Let me give you an example: Neo dogging bullets is like having self-realized chicken around a lemon tree in a farm – The Farmer wants the lemons, but the supply of eggs is near-limitless. Get it?”

Tip #4: Use Random Metaphors
This is an advanced version of Tip #3. Philosophy is mostly using bad metaphors to explain something you don’t understand in the first place. Learn this well, it will come in handy.

Boring guy: “Should I buy my car in the “Red River” color or the “Green Golbin” color?”
Wrong Answer: “It doesn’t matter, moron, because it’ll look brown with all the dirt it’ll accumulate.”
Right Answer™ : “It’s like stopping at a traffic signal – Life stops at the red signal, but many people jump it, just the same as the green color. In the end, what matters is what kind of person you are. Think about that, and you’ll have your answer.”

You are now ready to try these out on unsuspecting victims. Let me know how it goes.

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