I went to an opera this weekend. It was the most indescribable experience of my life.

It was called “The Phantom of the Opera”. I can’t even begin to describe what it felt like – It was like watching a Hindi Movie, but dubbed in French. With a Jazz soundtrack. And with the audio stuck like in a tape-recorder. And with more songs than “Hum Aapke Hai Kaun“. It was totally weird.

It was my wife’s idea. She thought it would be a good “cultural education” for me. The only thing I learnt is that some people can sing with such a high-pitch that they can shatter your ear-drum. I swear I came dangerously close to that happening.

And now the story – I can safely say that I didn’t understand just what the hell was going on. Here’s how the brochure describes the opera:

“A disfigured musical genius, hidden away in the Paris Opera House, terrorizes the opera for the unwitting benefit of a young protégé whom he trains and loves.“

Here’s how I would describe the story:

Dude sings
Girl sings
Dude and Girl sing together
Dude dies
Dude sings
Dude dies again (I think)
Everyone sings

But to be fair, the opera had its moments. When the show starts, there are 4 pieces of this giant chandelier in 4 corners of hall. As the singing starts, the 4 pieces start floating around the huge hall (attached by cables to the ceiling) and the assemble themselves, as if by magic, into a chandelier. It was quite spectacular, honestly. As this was happening, everyone in the theater went like:

“Oooooo….aaaahhhhhh….bravo…bravo…” (clap clap clap)

and I was like (to the wife):

“Do you know how they do it? They have hydraulically controlled cantilevers on guided rails on the ceiling, and it the tension on the cables is adjusted (using 4-Dimensional positioning) to create the illusion of the chandelier swirling, and…“

A 60-something Aunty and her Husband, all dressed up in a black gown and the Uncle in a Tuxedo, and serious opera fans who were sitting in front of us. The Aunty turned back and gave me The LOOK. The Uncle also turned back, adjusted his glasses, and gave me a glare. As I sunk into my seat, my wife pretended to act like she didn’t know me.

Anyway, it was 90 minutes of ear-shattering terror. When it ended, I couldn’t tell if it was a happy ending or a tragedy. I guessed it was a sad ending because some people in the audience had a very heavy and sad look on their face. Or it might have been because they had been subject to so much torture. I couldn’t tell.

I highly recommend this opera to everyone.

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In today’s highly competitive world, you need all the tools to get ahead. Appearing to be spiritual will help you tremendously, and so I’m going to teach you how to be a fake philosopher today.

The official definition of philosophy is “Stuff that no one really understands”. It is similar to Jargoneese, but different at the same levels in that Jargoneese and Philosophy have similar differences. Jargoneese is using symbolism to re-interpret vagaries of daily life, while philosophy is using vagaries of daily life to re-interpret symbolism. Got it? Good. Continue reading…

The following are some tips that will help you sound like a philosopher:

Tip #1: Use simple words, but complex constructs.
It is a common misconception that Philosophers use big words. You’ll get the best effect if you use simple words, but construct sentences that are difficult to understand. The central idea is to awe the victim. Your victim should feel stupid that he can’t understand what you’re saying despite you using such simple language.

Boring Guy: “How’s life man?”
Wrong Answer: “It’s great! I crashed into a Bufallo last week, I think I’m going to flunk this year, and I forgot to have lunch today. Other that that, it’s awesome.”
Right Answer™ : “It’s like a bread crumb in a tomato soup. You can float without swimming, but eventually you’ll get eaten.”

Tip #2: Use oxymoronic opposites.
The best kind of philosophy is the kind that your brain simply can’t comprehend. There are plenty of ways to achieve this effect, but by far the easiest is to use 2 opposite words together, so that their combined meaning is incomprehensible, and at best, impossible. Good examples include:

“similar differences”
“burning ice”
“irrationality principle”
“satisfied life”

Try to use as many of these in your sentences. Eg:

“The irrationality principle advocated by Kant suffers from the ‘burning ice’ problem leading to similar differences from his earlier work on realizing a satisfied life”

Tip #3: Say “I’ll give you an example”. Then don’t give the example.
Examples are usually given to explain something because people learn quicker if they can relate it to something they already know. This is a very powerful weapon, if you use only half of it. Give an example of something that your victim is familiar with, but don’t explain how to relate it.

Clueless guy after watching the Matrix: “Huh? What does the movie mean?”
Wrong Answer: “See…Neo is the One, (“neo” is just “one” spelt differently) and he’s fighting the machines that are running a virtual world…”
Right Answer™ : “It’s quite simple actually. Let me give you an example: Neo dogging bullets is like having self-realized chicken around a lemon tree in a farm – The Farmer wants the lemons, but the supply of eggs is near-limitless. Get it?”

Tip #4: Use Random Metaphors
This is an advanced version of Tip #3. Philosophy is mostly using bad metaphors to explain something you don’t understand in the first place. Learn this well, it will come in handy.

Boring guy: “Should I buy my car in the “Red River” color or the “Green Golbin” color?”
Wrong Answer: “It doesn’t matter, moron, because it’ll look brown with all the dirt it’ll accumulate.”
Right Answer™ : “It’s like stopping at a traffic signal – Life stops at the red signal, but many people jump it, just the same as the green color. In the end, what matters is what kind of person you are. Think about that, and you’ll have your answer.”

You are now ready to try these out on unsuspecting victims. Let me know how it goes.

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Sorry everyone, I haven’t been able to post for the last few days. I was off on a mini-vacation.

My brother-in-law and his wife, my wife and I had been to Orlando, Florida this weekend. We went to Universal Studios and the “Isle Of Adventure” theme parks over there. It was loads of fun, there are lots of rides, but the most interesting of them all are the roller-coasters.

Sitting on a Roller-Coaster always cracks me up. Rationally thinking, it is very safe – There has never been an accident and there is no way you are going to get hurt. But that doesn’t stop the voices in my head from screaming, in chorus, as I go up the roller-coaster:

“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE! GET OFF, YOU FOOL! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!”

At Universal Studios, they have this roller-coaster called “The Hulk”. This is the most ridiculously scary roller coaster I’ve been on. Most roller-coasters will take you to the top on a chain-sort of thing and drop you from there. But not this one.

This thing actually shoots you up, at full blast. It actually accelerates going upwards, crushing you against the seat. This thing goes from 0 to 60 kmph, upwards at a 45-degree angle in 2 SECONDS!!!There’s nothing scarier than getting shot out into the sky, momentarily feeling zero-G when you’re at the top of the coaster, and then falling straight down – from 8 stories high. I think the voices in my head fainted at that point.

The next 120 seconds or so of the ride were a complete blur. I was screaming with as much power as my lungs could muster as the roller-coaster threw me around, turned me up-side down and thoroughly mixed all the pizza and ice-cream in my stomach.

Note to self: Really bad idea to go on roller-coaster after eating.

As soon as the ride ended, I was so glad that I was alive that I wanted to get down and kiss the ground and thank the heavens and the stars for the gift of life. My wife, on the other hand was like ‘Whoooo!!! That was fun!!! Let’s do that again!“

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