And today, we return to Aditya’s Advice Column!

Q: I’m a big fan of Rakhi Sawant, and I tremendously enjoy her work. I want to put up posters of her in my room, but my parents disapprove strongly. What should I do?
- K

Dear K,
You describe a subject very close to my heart, and in many ways, I have faced the same problem as you have. The solution, as is the case to all problems of this class, is deception.

I would recommend buying posters of Rakhi Sawant and cutting them into the size of a book. Then, stick it into the middle pages of your book. Make sure that the book is something boring, like ‘Technical Specifications of J2ME 5.1‘, so that your parents don’t ever open it. Another interesting thing you can do is to print out a Rakhi Sawant poster on one of those semi-transparent sheets that you get these days. Then, paste the sheet on the inside of your helmet visor. This way, you can see not only the road, but also Rakhi Sawant when you are driving. I can imagine this being a tremendous help in traffic jams. Another option is to cut the poster into small strips and stick them to venetian blinds. During the day, you can set the venetian blinds open, and enjoy the view outside the window. But whenever you want, you only have to pull on the string to align all the strips and viola! There’s your poster!

I have, of course, never done any of the above things myself.

Q: I’m the dictator of a large country, and I’ve been in power for a long time now, and I kinda like it. But there’s this chic who was in Exile all this while, but has suddenly shown up and wants to be the Country’s Big Boss. She’s bent on taking out rallies and stuff like that, and it’s kinda getting painful. What should I do?
- General M
PS: Love your blog

Dear General M,
As the great philosopher Socrates once said: “Give a hungry woman a fish, and she’s happy for one day. Give her a credit card, and she’s happily shopping for the rest of her life“. Nothing keeps women busy like Shopping. The solution to all your problems, my friend, is simple – Open more Shopping Malls! Once you have enough shopping malls, that should distract the attention of your chic and all her followers. Hell, throw in some discounts and half-price sales, and your chic will forget her ambitions like politicians forget their promises.

And to be absolutely certain that your chic doesn’t interfere with your plans to take over the world again, start a rumor that she enjoyed watching Om Shanti Om and Sawariya tremendously, and if she becomes the Prime Minister, she’ll make it compulsory for everyone to watch the two movies everyday. This rumor should be enough to keep her busy with the mob for the next 10-20 years.

Q: I am pathetically jobless at the moment, and I need a job badly. But all these programming stuff seems like greek to me. What should I do to get into this so happening IT field?
- Van

Dear Van,

Firstly, thanks for writing in to the advice column. And secondly, your observation is pretty profound. All Programming stuff, is in fact, greek. The truth of the matter is that no one really knows what this software thing is, but since everyone is talking about it, everybody assumes “someone else” must know about it, and so pretends to understand it. But really, it’s greek to everyone.

And about getting into the “happening” IT field, that’s quite easy. You’ll firstly need to review my earlier lesson on Jargoneese. Then, learn some of the latest buzzwords – like “Services Oriented Architecture”, “.NET Framework 3.0 Specification” and “Dynamic ByteCode compilation using the JIT” – and you’re all set for an interview at any major software company.

If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

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