Appearing to be smart is actually more important than being smart itself, because if you are really smart, then you have to do stuff like study Physics and write books. But if you are only pretending to be smart, you get all the benefits, without any of the downside. It’s a good deal, trust me. I’ve been doing this for 25 years now, so I can claim to be somewhat of an expert.

Here are some of my tips to make you appear smart:

1. Use words that sound familiar.

It is a common misconception that you have to use big-big words to sound smart. If you use very big words, your victim will have no idea what you’re talking about and completely switch off. This is also known as MBA-speak. Avoid it. The key is to make your victim think that he *almost* got what you said.

So, use words that sound familiar, but don’t mean anything. Good examples of such words are “edothermic“, “biomechanical“, “macro-economy” and “data-mining“. Nobody knows what these words mean, so they’re safe to use.

Example:

Victim: “What is this whole ‘credit crisis’ thing we keep hearing about?”
Wrong Answer: “Imploding Hedge funds precipitated by highly leveraged exposure to CDOs and exotic commercial paper further worsened by tightening credit conditions.” (Too much MBA-speak)
Right Answer: “The problem is that these high-flying bankers burned their fingers on mortgage-backed securities that they shouldn’t have bought in the first place. I mean, it’s not rocket science!”

Notice the clever use of “mortgage” and “securities“. Everyone has heard of these words, but no one knows what they mean.

2. Make sure your victim only understands half the sentence.
The idea is that your victim should feel that he is vaguely following what you are saying, but didn’t really get it. He will then conclude that he is a moron for not being able to understand such simple things. This is the win-win situation you should be aiming at.

A good strategy to use here is to structure your sentences into two parts. The first part makes sense and your victim understands it. The second part is where your victim should get confused and the rest of the sentence should go over your victim’s head.

Example:

Victim: “…and that’s why the traffic problem is so bad in Bangalore.”
Wrong Answer: “No! The real problem is these stupid auto fellows who drive like wild monkeys. They should shoot all of them!” (Makes you sound like a cheap zoo keeper)
Right Answer: “I think the real problem is that all of Bangalore’s commuters are angry and frustrated because the economic incentives are misaligned by the subsidized fuel and unchecked extranalities brought about by macro economic prosperity of our country in general. I mean, the GDP is growing at 9%!”

3. Appear confident and make jokes.
This is probably the most important – You need to appear confident and at ease with yourself. You can easily achieve this by reminding yourself that nobody else in the room has any clue either, and everyone is just playing along. Only, you have learnt the secret from the Pointless Wanderings blog while everyone else is struggling.

Another thing is that you need to tell jokes and stories. Note that these jokes and stories don’t have to be funny at all. They just have to further re-enforce the feeling in your victim that he really didn’t get it.

Example:

Victim: “…and soon, we’re going to have floods because of Global Warming!”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah. And then we’ll all drown and get washed away. Oh My God! The WORLD IS GOING TO END! HELP! HELP!” (Makes you sound like a crackpot)
Right Answer: “Isn’t it ironic that despite having well-understood models of Chaos Theory, mankind’s myopia is leading us to the brink of disaster. The Butterfly has already flapped it’s wings, people! Hehehe…”
Victim: “He he he…eh?”

You now have the know-how and power to pretend to be smart. Go forth and change the world. But whatever you do, don’t be like this guy.

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