Appearing to be smart is actually more important than being smart itself, because if you are really smart, then you have to do stuff like study Physics and write books. But if you are only pretending to be smart, you get all the benefits, without any of the downside. It’s a good deal, trust me. I’ve been doing this for 25 years now, so I can claim to be somewhat of an expert.

Here are some of my tips to make you appear smart:

1. Use words that sound familiar.

It is a common misconception that you have to use big-big words to sound smart. If you use very big words, your victim will have no idea what you’re talking about and completely switch off. This is also known as MBA-speak. Avoid it. The key is to make your victim think that he *almost* got what you said.

So, use words that sound familiar, but don’t mean anything. Good examples of such words are “edothermic“, “biomechanical“, “macro-economy” and “data-mining“. Nobody knows what these words mean, so they’re safe to use.

Example:

Victim: “What is this whole ‘credit crisis’ thing we keep hearing about?”
Wrong Answer: “Imploding Hedge funds precipitated by highly leveraged exposure to CDOs and exotic commercial paper further worsened by tightening credit conditions.” (Too much MBA-speak)
Right Answer: “The problem is that these high-flying bankers burned their fingers on mortgage-backed securities that they shouldn’t have bought in the first place. I mean, it’s not rocket science!”

Notice the clever use of “mortgage” and “securities“. Everyone has heard of these words, but no one knows what they mean.

2. Make sure your victim only understands half the sentence.
The idea is that your victim should feel that he is vaguely following what you are saying, but didn’t really get it. He will then conclude that he is a moron for not being able to understand such simple things. This is the win-win situation you should be aiming at.

A good strategy to use here is to structure your sentences into two parts. The first part makes sense and your victim understands it. The second part is where your victim should get confused and the rest of the sentence should go over your victim’s head.

Example:

Victim: “…and that’s why the traffic problem is so bad in Bangalore.”
Wrong Answer: “No! The real problem is these stupid auto fellows who drive like wild monkeys. They should shoot all of them!” (Makes you sound like a cheap zoo keeper)
Right Answer: “I think the real problem is that all of Bangalore’s commuters are angry and frustrated because the economic incentives are misaligned by the subsidized fuel and unchecked extranalities brought about by macro economic prosperity of our country in general. I mean, the GDP is growing at 9%!”

3. Appear confident and make jokes.
This is probably the most important - You need to appear confident and at ease with yourself. You can easily achieve this by reminding yourself that nobody else in the room has any clue either, and everyone is just playing along. Only, you have learnt the secret from the Pointless Wanderings blog while everyone else is struggling.

Another thing is that you need to tell jokes and stories. Note that these jokes and stories don’t have to be funny at all. They just have to further re-enforce the feeling in your victim that he really didn’t get it.

Example:

Victim: “…and soon, we’re going to have floods because of Global Warming!”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah. And then we’ll all drown and get washed away. Oh My God! The WORLD IS GOING TO END! HELP! HELP!” (Makes you sound like a crackpot)
Right Answer: “Isn’t it ironic that despite having well-understood models of Chaos Theory, mankind’s myopia is leading us to the brink of disaster. The Butterfly has already flapped it’s wings, people! Hehehe…”
Victim: “He he he…eh?”

You now have the know-how and power to pretend to be smart. Go forth and change the world. But whatever you do, don’t be like this guy.

• 4 Comments

Our less-than-a-week old Chief Minister of Karanataka resigned yesterday. I mean, he hardly had time to re-arrange the furniture in his office, let alone transfer bureaucrats. Deve Gowda’s antics notwithstanding, I feel really sorry for our (former) Chief Minister. Doesn’t it seem that fate is playing a weird game with him? And like a sucker, Mr. Yeddyurappa keeps falling into the traps his fate sets him out.

I mean, think about it. First, Yeddyurappa’s Fate gets him the most number of seats in the election.

Yeddyurappa’s Fate: “Hey dude! Look, I won you the most amount of seats!“
Yeddyurappa: “Awesome! Can I be the CM now?“
Yeddyurappa’s Fate (snickering): “Not yet. You have to first do chamchagiri to the party that didn’t even get the majority.“
Yeddyurappa: “Bummer!“

And so, Yeddyurappa makes a pact with the JD(S), all the while still hoping to be the CM.

Yeddyurappa: “I made a pact with them. Can I be the CM now?“
Yeddyurappa’s Fate: “No, you have to let the other guy be the CM first for 22 months. Then your turn will come.“
Yeddyurappa: “OK, but I’ll become CM after 22 months right? Promise?“
Yeddyurappa’s Fate: “Sure, sure, why not, why not.“

22 months later, JD(S) asks Yeddyurappa to get lost.

Yeddyurappa: “Hey Fate! But you promised to make me CM!“
Yeddyurappa’s Fate: “I LIED!!!! Muahahahahahahaaa…..” (evil laugh)
Yeddyurappa: “Sob sob ;-( :(”
Yeddyurappa’s Fate: “There there. Don’t cry! OK, fine, you can be CM.“
Yeddyurappa: “Really? Yippie!!!!“

A week later, Yeddyurappa has to resign from the CM’s post.

Yeddyurappa’s Fate: “LOL! LOL! That was too funny… hehohehahahahoehehahahaha!“

I mean I’d hate to have a nasty fate like that. Sometimes I think my fate is also playing some nasty tricks on me, but your bad luck’s got to be pretty horrible to get a fate like Yeddyurappa’s. I mean, the only way it could get worse is if they have the elections now, and Yeddyurappa’s party wins 91 seats, and then they roll it back saying they won 19, not 91 seats.

Yeddyurappa: “How can it be 19 and not 91!?!”
Yeddyurappa’s Fate: “ROTFL!!!!“

• 0 Comments

It is first year of college, and there is a knock-out girl in our batch. Everyone is dying to get an intro to this girl, lets call her Doorna. Also hot in pursuit were Chitradeep and I, and after much promises of treats and lending of lab records for copying, we finally managed to convince a common friend to make introductions.

Back then, we had a very strange idea of what chics are impressed by.

Common Friend: “Hey Doorna, meet Chitradeep!“
Doorna: “Hi!“
Chitradeep: “I got a 99 in Maths in 10th Standard!“
Doorna: “Oh?“
Common Friend: “…and this is Aditya“
Me: “I know how to drive a bike! In 3rd gear, that too!“

Needless to say, Doorna was not very impressed with either of us, but that didn’t stop Chitradeep from day-dreaming about her.

Chitradeep: “The two of us are like cos and sin. We compliment each other! We’re like 2 sides of a triangle!“
Me: “She’s hardly aware of you existence man! And, by the way, a triangle has 3 sides.“
Chitradeep: “Yeah. The third side is this evil world, who we have to battle!“
Me: “Best of luck, dude. And I hope she likes clichéd Hindi Movies, for your sake!“

I didn’t think Chitradeep had the courage to ask out such a pretty girl, but he shockingly did, and invited her out for coffee after college. There was quite a buzz that day in college around Chitradeep, and a bunch of us, jealous that Chitradeep had managed to make the first move, decided to get back at him.

We found out where Chitradeep was planning to take her. It was a nice little snacks-and-coffee place near college. As planned, the two of them met up at this place, and, determined to ruin this date for Chitradeep, 11 of us walked in to the same place.

Me (acting surprised to see Chitradeep): “Hey buddy! How come here?“
Chitradeep (very frustrated): “Generally. Why don’t you guys go to that great restaurant across the street? They have great soup!“
Me: “Oh, no. Don’t worry about us. We’ll just sit over there, out of your way.”

And so we sat down at a table right next to the two of them.

Me: “Hey Chitradeep! What’s good to eat out here?“
Chitradeep: “GRRrrrrr….“

Despite our best efforts to be loud, annoying and noisy, Chitradeep managed to keep his cool throughout. But inside, I’ll bet he wanted to pluck the eyes out of my sockets and eat them raw.

As we continued to be a massive disturbance to everyone in the restaurant, from the corner of my eye, I saw Chitradeep taking the rose out of the vase on the table and giving it to Doorna. Oh my God! He was taking it to the next level!

But what happened next has not been understood very well, despite all of us being witness to the shocking unfolding of events that day. Doorna first took the rose, and seemed to like it. She then thought for a while, and then, all of a sudden and without any warning - started crying. She was sobbing like crazy, and suddenly the whole coffee place fell silent, everyone’s eyes on Chitradeep. He was just sitting there and, having no prior experience with crying girls, had absolutely no idea how to react. Doorna stormed out of the place, leaving Chitradeep staring at a blank wall.

Many many years later, Doorna called me and announced that she was getting married! She was inviting me, along with Chitradeep, to her wedding!

As Chitradeep and I were sitting in the wedding hall, looking at Doorna and her new husband, I could clearly sense that Chitradeep was still wondering why a girl would start crying when given a rose.

Chitradeep: “Maybe she couldn’t stand you guys being such jerks that day. That’s why she started crying…“
Me: “Or, maybe she’s allergic to roses!“
Chitradeep: “Hmmm…..I sure hope so man. But it doesn’t matter now, does it?“
Me: “Not unless you got her a bouquet of roses as a wedding gift!“
Chitradeep: “Oh, dammit!“

• 13 Comments

This post is a comic strip. If you can’t see the image, please click here.

Copyright © 2007, Aditya Kulkarni. All rights reserved.

• 3 Comments

Hi Folks,

I’ve added Google’s Custom Site-Search engine to my blog. That means you can now search over the entire content of this blog and the articles using the search box you see to the right. That’s right! If you’re looking for that magical poem to propose to your GF, or my theories about Global Warming, you can find it with your fingertips!

Try it now:

• 1 Comment

What is the deal with Sachin Tendulkar and the 90s? I mean, he seems to play really well till he gets to the 90s, and then boom -almost with clock like predictability- gets out. 99 the other day, 97 yesterday. I mean, what’s going on?

Most people seem to believe that there is a curse on him (like the curse of the Mummy), but I didn’t believe that. And so, to find the truth, I applied my super-hero reasoning skills to this puzzle, and came up with these possible explanations:

1. He’s trying to impress the chicks.
In politics, this would be called getting the ’sympathy vote’. I’ll bet he goes home after every match and says to his wife:

Sachin: “Ooo….booohooo…I didn’t get my century again today. Nobody loves me. :(“
His Wife: “There, there. Don’t be upset…“
Sachin: “Can you make me some Aloo Paratha today so that it improves my mood? I’d really like some Chutney with that too…You know, to make the grief go away.“
His Wife: “Well…….OK……“
Sachin: “And also, can we not go to that wedding tonight? I think it’ll really help the healing process.“

This is just speculation, I have not used these tactics myself. Really.

2. There is a cosmic version of the Y2K problem
Do you remember the Y2K “bug” that was supposed to send us back to the stone age? Supposedly, when the year 2000 came, computers would see only the last 2 digits of the year, “00″, and think we’re back in 1900, and all hell would break loose. I think there is a similar problem here.

Sachin has 41 hundreds in ODIs. If he actually gets another hundred, then he’ll have 42 hundreds, and the Universe will go into overflow and his number of hundreds will automatically reset to 0. Don’t believe me? Just ask Google what is the “Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything“. Co-incidence? I think NOT!

3. He’s using reverse Psychology
Sachin is using Reverse Psychology on his opponents. He’ll get out at 90 everytime, and so the opposition teams will get slack, and bowl easily in the beginning, thinking “We’ll get him when he’s in the 90s anyway“. Sachin gets 90 runs free, gets out, and the cycle repeats. Brilliant!

And then, when Sachin retires, he’ll say “90 is the new Hundred!“, and then he’ll have the most 90s and hold the world record.

Do you have any other theories about why Sachin is getting out in the 90s?

• 9 Comments

And today, we return to Aditya’s Advice Column!

Q: I’m a big fan of Rakhi Sawant, and I tremendously enjoy her work. I want to put up posters of her in my room, but my parents disapprove strongly. What should I do?
- K

Dear K,
You describe a subject very close to my heart, and in many ways, I have faced the same problem as you have. The solution, as is the case to all problems of this class, is deception.

I would recommend buying posters of Rakhi Sawant and cutting them into the size of a book. Then, stick it into the middle pages of your book. Make sure that the book is something boring, like ‘Technical Specifications of J2ME 5.1‘, so that your parents don’t ever open it. Another interesting thing you can do is to print out a Rakhi Sawant poster on one of those semi-transparent sheets that you get these days. Then, paste the sheet on the inside of your helmet visor. This way, you can see not only the road, but also Rakhi Sawant when you are driving. I can imagine this being a tremendous help in traffic jams. Another option is to cut the poster into small strips and stick them to venetian blinds. During the day, you can set the venetian blinds open, and enjoy the view outside the window. But whenever you want, you only have to pull on the string to align all the strips and viola! There’s your poster!

I have, of course, never done any of the above things myself.

Q: I’m the dictator of a large country, and I’ve been in power for a long time now, and I kinda like it. But there’s this chic who was in Exile all this while, but has suddenly shown up and wants to be the Country’s Big Boss. She’s bent on taking out rallies and stuff like that, and it’s kinda getting painful. What should I do?
- General M
PS: Love your blog

Dear General M,
As the great philosopher Socrates once said: “Give a hungry woman a fish, and she’s happy for one day. Give her a credit card, and she’s happily shopping for the rest of her life“. Nothing keeps women busy like Shopping. The solution to all your problems, my friend, is simple - Open more Shopping Malls! Once you have enough shopping malls, that should distract the attention of your chic and all her followers. Hell, throw in some discounts and half-price sales, and your chic will forget her ambitions like politicians forget their promises.

And to be absolutely certain that your chic doesn’t interfere with your plans to take over the world again, start a rumor that she enjoyed watching Om Shanti Om and Sawariya tremendously, and if she becomes the Prime Minister, she’ll make it compulsory for everyone to watch the two movies everyday. This rumor should be enough to keep her busy with the mob for the next 10-20 years.

Q: I am pathetically jobless at the moment, and I need a job badly. But all these programming stuff seems like greek to me. What should I do to get into this so happening IT field?
- Van

Dear Van,

Firstly, thanks for writing in to the advice column. And secondly, your observation is pretty profound. All Programming stuff, is in fact, greek. The truth of the matter is that no one really knows what this software thing is, but since everyone is talking about it, everybody assumes “someone else” must know about it, and so pretends to understand it. But really, it’s greek to everyone.

And about getting into the “happening” IT field, that’s quite easy. You’ll firstly need to review my earlier lesson on Jargoneese. Then, learn some of the latest buzzwords - like “Services Oriented Architecture”, “.NET Framework 3.0 Specification” and “Dynamic ByteCode compilation using the JIT” - and you’re all set for an interview at any major software company.

If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

• 10 Comments