I’m a newcomer to Bollywood, and I acted in this director’s movie which turned out to be a big flop. Not only did people think that it was a blue movie, but the director, let’s call him SLB, insisted on portraying me like a joker. Now, my career is sinking faster than the Titanic. What should I do?
- Ranbir K

You’ve made a drastic mistake by working in a blue movie. But don’t worry. There is no problem that Aditya’s Advice Column cannot fix.

My advice to you is to make your next movie with Rakhi Sawant. Rakhi Sawant, as we all know, is one of the industry’s shining stars, and a movie with her will bring you enormous glamour and class and style. Your career will take off like a goat in front of a tiger.

I’ve had the enormous pleasure of watching your movie, and I must say, I think the Bhojpuri movie industry seems like a better place for you. It is filled with people that match your talent. Besides, 12-and-a-half people watched Bhojpuri movies this year (one kid got in on a half-ticket), which is more that the number that’ve watched your first movie. So go ahead and give it a try. I’m sure great fortune is in store for you near the sunken Titanic.

My professor is the micro-managing kind. He comes by my desk 65 times a day and asks for updates on the project every 5 minutes. It’s driving me crazy! What should I do?
- J

The solution to this problem, as everyone already knows, is to put sleeping pills in your Professor’s lunch, so as to free up your afternoon. But if you want the WHOLE day off, you need to get him addicted to something. May I recommend video games?

Ease him into computer games. Introduce him, first, to Tetris and Pac-Man. Once he’s hooked, move on to Halo, Half-Life and finally World of Warcraft. Once you reach this stage, there is no looking back. Your prof is 20-feet deep in addiction already. At this point, you might want to call his wife, and drop a few “hints” like this:

You: “Hello Mrs. Professor! Is the Prof there?“
Prof’s Wife: “No! Isn’t he at the University?“
You: “Oh, he left earlier with a young woman in a fancy car. I assumed it was your daughter”
Prof’s Wife: “We don’t have any daughters!“
You: “It’s OK then. He must have just gone to the ‘Wet ‘n Wild’ party that’s happening tonight“
Prof’s Wife: “WHAT?!?!“
You: “Oh, don’t worry. They usually take all the drunk people at the end of the party and leave them by the bus stop. The police only pick them up by 6-7 in the morning, so he’ll only spend tomorrow in Jail. Thanks anyway. Good day, Ma’am!“

My wife keeps nagging me to do unimportant things around the house – Like helping with the cooking and cleaning, dropping the kids to school etc…, but what I really want to do is sit and watch TV. What should I do?
- R

I feel your pain, my friend. What’s the deal with cooking and cleaning anyway? You should boldly tell your wife that cooking and cleaning is a solved problem, and the name of the solution is Pizza! Also tell her solving already solved problems is a sign of insanity. What’s the point of re-inventing the wheel? Also, tell your wife that you absolutely have to watch TV, because if you don’t then all the electrons coming through the cable will get wasted, and wasting electricity is really bad, especially with all the global warming and all. Tell her that you are only watching TV so as to save the Planet! Also, rhetorically ask her “Don’t you care about the planet? OUR Planet? Help me save the world! It’s a nobel cause!“

It might also help to give her the yellow pages, opened to the page with ‘Psychiatrists’. I’m sure your wife will appreciate this thoughtful gesture (especially opening the correct page, the one that she really needs). I can already see it – Your wife will realize all her mistakes, and ask for forgiveness, and will never nag you again.

So, go ahead and try out my advice. Let me know how it goes.

If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

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I can’t believe it’s the end of the year already! Didn’t this year feel especially short? I think we might have missed some months. I don’t remember experiencing a June or a February. We might have skipped those two. I’ve got to go and check the calander again!

Anyhow, it’s that time of the year where I review how I’m doing on the goals and new year resolutions that I’d created when the year started. This year I had only a few resolution (against my usual average of several thousand), so this should be easy.

2007 Resolutions

1) Don’t make fun of other people
I think I’ve made good progress on this front. I dragged only a few people into mud-slinging. Only Atif, actually. And maybe Archisman. Hmm…Dwetha and Dyothi also. I might have said some things about Chitradeep Chetty too, but it probably didn’t affect his delicate mental balance and push him into insanity. And then there’s Drinivas. It’s OK to make fun of Drinivas because he’s been made an honorary blonde.

Q: In a fight between Smart Drinivas and Blonde Drinivas, who would win?
A: Blonde Drinivas, because Smart Drinivas is a fictional character. Har har har!

Anyway, I think I can mark this goal as “Achieved!”

2) Don’t watch any Sanjay Leela Bansali movies
This goal didn’t work out so well for me. Not only did I end up watching his stupid “Saawariya” movie, but I’m pretty sure all the blue scenes have left my brain permanently damaged.

As soon as the movie ended in the theater, I came running out, gasping for air and to remind myself that the world was not all blue. I ran out of the multiplex into the freshly polluted Bangalore air! I looked up and just as I wanted to thank God for making the blue movie end, there it was – The massive, stretching as wide as the horizon – The Sky – AND IT WAS ALL BLUE!!!

I think there’s a conspiracy going on here, and it’s only a matter of time before I blow it wide open. Keep watching this space!

3) Learn a new skill
I think I can mark this as “Achieved!”. I learned several new skills over the course of this year. The most important being Rationalization. I can now convince myself of anything. Rationalization is a very powerful self-hypnosis technique that will prove to be invaluable over “the long run”. Like how I am going to rationalize my next goal, which was:

4) Exercise

I can mark this goal as “Achieved!” because one night, I dreamt that I was working out. Exercising in your dreams is just as good as exercising in real life because real life depends on dreams and aspirations. Aspiring to dream about Exercising is an exhausting activity. Therefore, it constitutes as exercise.

Hence Proved.

5) Figure out what Women Really Want
I’ve made great progress in this area. After several agonizing hours of ruminating over this problem, I have attained the great secret that has eluded even the wisest for centuries.

What do Women really want? Easy: Women really want to buy Red Shoes! Except if the Black ones are on sale. And only not if the Blue ones come at a 50% discount, except if they already have Black shoes, in which case the Red shoes will compliment the Black ones except when the Reds are in fashion.
It’s quite simple really.

That makes it 4 out of 5 goals achieved this year! Quite something, isn’t it?

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I was flipping through one of the wife’s magazines the other day and I came across an interesting article. The article was about the top 10 flop Bollywood movies of the year. So I’m reading through it, and I’m like ‘Haha…yeah, that was pretty bad…Haha…yeah, that one sucked too…Hoho..Yeah, that one. What was the director thinking?…‘ and I read through the whole article and then enlightenment hit me – And I’m not just talking about some random enlightenment, but the real oh-god-I-don’t-believe-this type of enlightenment. I realized:

I’VE WATCHED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE TOP 10 WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!!!!!!

This is the kind of enlightenment that makes your stomach churn. How could have happened this to me? WHY ME? All said and done, I must have spent some 100 hours of my life watching those movies and those hours are not coming back! I decided this can not go on like this. I had to do something.

I decided that I was going to tell the wife that I am NOT coming to watch any more movies. I also have some human rights, and I will not stand down and take this kind of torture. I was going to confront her. I was going to put my foot down. Enough is enough!

I walk up to the wife.
Wife: “Hey listen. There is this great movie – ‘Taare Zameen Par’. We should go watch it.”
Me: “Yeah, about that. I’m not going.”
Wife: “WHAT?”

Ah! I’d made a bold and daring move – like a powerful chess opening – that had left the wife dazed and confused.
Me: “Yeah. I don’t want to watch any more movies.”
Wife: “What happened? You said you were a movie fan!”
Me: “I said that before we got married.”
Oops…. I shouldn’t have said that.

Wife: “Excuse me?”
Me: “No No No…I mean I only said that because I was trying to impress you.”
Wife: “You lied to me?” Oh No. The wife is using her best moves against me. I’m defenseless.

Me: “No No No…I meant to say that I was trying to impress you before marriage. Now that we’re married I don’t need to…”
Wife: “Yeah? Continue?” Oh God! What am I doing. STOP TALKING ABOUT THE MARRIAGE!

Me: “No No No…I mean to say that after marriage, you should pick a different hobby….Maybe learn cooking…” WHAT?!? WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!?!?

Wife: “Why do I need to learn cooking? You don’t like my cooking?”
Me: “No No No…I mean to say that you make great Sabzi and Chapati, but your Sambar…. is a little….” STOP TALKING! STOP TALKING!

Wife: “YOU SAID SAMBAR WAS MY SPECIALTY!!!”
Me: “No No No… I mean to say…uh… Sambar is …errr…. hmmm….. Have you lost weight? You’re looking absooooooooolutely great!”

Wife gives me THE LOOK
Me: “I’ll go get tickets for ‘Tare Zameen Par’. See you later!”

Damn! That didn’t work out at all! I have to think of a new strategy to get out of this whole movie thing.

• 17 Comments

I’ve started to enjoy playing Tennis. I suck at it, but that doesn’t stop me from playing anyway. It’s like an addiction. But my other friends don’t seem to enjoy it as much. They say I’m not a “Good Sport”. Ha! I think they’re just being bad losers. You decide for yourself:

So last week, we’re playing a doubles Tennis match. Drinivas and I are playing together as a team against a couple of other friends.

We’re leading 4-3 in the first set. The other team serves, and I smash it right back into the net.

Drinivas (making weird actions with his racket): “Place it man! Place it!”
Me: “I’m going to place it on top of you if you don’t keep quite!”
Drinivas: “$#@^%$#@**”
Friend #1: “Good team work fellows. Good team work!”
Me: “Grrrrr….”

Next point. Friend #1 serves it straight at me, and I’m trying out my single-hand-back-hand-top-spin-drop-shot. It lands up in the next court were a couple of chics are playing.

Drinivas: “What the hell are you doing?!? We lost the point!”
Me: “Oh, keep quite! We wouldn’t have lost if you didn’t serve like a Girl last game!”
Drinivas: “Shut up, you barbarian!”
Me: “You shut up %$$**&#$@”
Drinivas: “^%**%$#@”
Friend #1: “Is it still sledging if you’re screaming at your own teammate? These 2 have the serious sledging skills.”
Me: “That’s it. I’m defecting to the other team!”
Drinivas: “What?”
Friend #1: “In the middle of the game?!”
Drinivas: “Fine! Go away. Good riddance!”
Me: “Yeah, and I’m also taking with me all the points I won. That’s 4 games I’ve won. The score is now 9-0. We already won. Hahahahah! Looser! Looser!”
Drinivas: “Please! Besides…4 plus 3 is 7, not 9″
Me: “Is that what they taught you at ‘Vijaya School for the Ultimately Stupid’?”
Drinivas: “You know what? I’m too mature for this silly name calling!”
Me: “Why? You Chicken? Hey guys! Why can’t Drinivas The Chicken play tennis?”

Drinivas tries to say something but I cut him off

Me: “…because the Drinivas The Chicken sits on the balls all day trying to hatch them. Muhahahaah! Quack! Quack! Quack!”

And I start running around in circles flapping my arms like a Chicken. Drinivas totally looses it at this point and throws his racket at me.

60 minutes-of-the-same-stuff later…

Me: “Good Game guys! Wanna play again tomorrow?”
Everyone (in chorus) : “Not if you’re coming!”
Me: “You guys are such bad losers….”

PS: I know many of you are wondering if I’ve actually gone against my religious principles and started exercising by playing Tennis. But don’t worry. I make it a point to drink enough Maza and Pepsi to offset any calories I might have burnt playing Tennis, so I’m OK!

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As Pazz pointed out earlier today, two of my articles managed to get published in the J.A.M magazine. Hurray! But I haven’t managed to get my paws on a copy of the magazine, so if you have it, I’d appreciate it if you could scan/photograph the two pages and send it to me at aditya@pointlesswanderings.com

Also, check out the newly redesigned Pointless News site! It comes with new themes, new features and a whole lot of new attitude.
(Honestly, I have no idea what that means, but it sounds cool, so I said it)

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One of the great undervalued skills of life in the 21st Century is the ability to disguise insults. Swearing and cursing to someone’s face is quite easy, but often produces counter-effects (i.e., you’ll get beaten up). If you’re an expert at disguising your insults, your victim will spend several agonizing hours deciding whether what you said was meant as an insult. A very subtle, but brutal form of torture. It’s a lost art these days. But don’t worry, I’m going to help you out with this skill.

1) Use Subliminal Messages
Using this technique requires fine timing. The idea is to blurt out the insult directly, but have a “cover-up” word ready, so that if the victim suspects that you’ve insulted him, you can use the “cover-up” word to get out of the situation.

Example:

The wife has been trying to get me to exercise, but without much luck. So, one day, as I’m going to office:
Me: “Bye bye, I’m off to office”
Wife: “Bye bye, Fatty!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Wife: “Smarty! I said Smarty! You know, because you’re so ‘Smart‘ “
Me: “Hmmm…..”

I spend the next hour trying to figure out whether she really called me fatty. This technique is very powerful, especially if you want to effect emotion trauma along with your insults.

2) Use ambiguous interpretations
Fortunately for us, the English language is full of confusing words whose meanings can be twisted to fit the situation. Some would call this a “bug” with the language, but I say it’s a valuable “feature” of the English language.

Example:

If your GF has just cooked you a meal that you’ve struggled to push down your throat. You have to say something, but not insulting.
GF: “Did you like the Mushroom Risotto with White Sauce? I got the recipe from this new book I bought”
Wrong Answer: “If I had an imaginary Donkey, and if the imaginary donkey hadn’t eaten for 23 days, even then that donkey wouldn’t eat this.”
Right Answer: “It was truly Insipid. Inspiration is a key ingredient.”

With some luck, your GF will think the first ‘Insipid‘ was really ‘Inspired‘. It won’t hit her till later that you said Insipid, but that’ll give you enough time to escape.

3) Complimentary Insults
This is a delicate technique, but with some practice, you can master it. The idea is to use to words next to each other, one complimentary and the other an insult. Your victim will focus on the compliment first, and only later realize that it was really an insult. Works most effectively on people who talk a lot, because they’re eager to acknowledge the compliment part, and their brains don’t process the insult part until later. It’s like how cows chew the cud.

Example:

Your Boyfriend is singing the ‘Aaja Re….Aaja O mere Dilbar aa jaa…’ song. He’s trying to do his ‘haunted‘ voice, but it’s more like the hunted voice. At the end of the song:

BF: “How did you like my voice?”
Wrong Answer: “All the dead ghosts that were haunting this place died once more after hearing that.”
Right Answer: “It was Spectacularly Tragic! What a voice!”

You have to put the emphasis on ‘Spectacularly‘, so that your victim thinks the ‘tragic‘ you’re talking about was the pain and emotion in the song. He’ll only later figure out that what it really means is that it was such a tragedy that you had to listen to it.

Now that you are an expert at disguising insults, go ahead and try them out. The whole world is your playground.

• 6 Comments

This Modern World

Welcome to this world, in this modern day,
Where, with smoke and dust, the air has turned grey.
“I’m OK” they say and put up a brave display,
But everyone really seems to want to run away!

Cheer up, they tell me, “Let’s go Shopping!”
2000 bucks for a shirt?!? There’s no way I’m paying!
No movies either, the price of tickets is skyrocketing,
And to make things worse, there’s no place for parking!

At work too, all day is spent going from meeting to meeting,
Throwing around latest buzzwords like ‘Social Networking”!
But I don’t really get it, What is with this whole Orkut thing,
Pouring over other’s scrapbooks, what is the joy they’re seeking?

I try to look ahead, but it’s all unclear,
My whole life is just stuck in 2nd gear!
Blindly climbing up the ‘ladder’ year after year
What the hell am I doing here?

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