I’m a newcomer to Bollywood, and I acted in this director’s movie which turned out to be a big flop. Not only did people think that it was a blue movie, but the director, let’s call him SLB, insisted on portraying me like a joker. Now, my career is sinking faster than the Titanic. What should I do?
- Ranbir K

You’ve made a drastic mistake by working in a blue movie. But don’t worry. There is no problem that Aditya’s Advice Column cannot fix.

My advice to you is to make your next movie with Rakhi Sawant. Rakhi Sawant, as we all know, is one of the industry’s shining stars, and a movie with her will bring you enormous glamour and class and style. Your career will take off like a goat in front of a tiger.

I’ve had the enormous pleasure of watching your movie, and I must say, I think the Bhojpuri movie industry seems like a better place for you. It is filled with people that match your talent. Besides, 12-and-a-half people watched Bhojpuri movies this year (one kid got in on a half-ticket), which is more that the number that’ve watched your first movie. So go ahead and give it a try. I’m sure great fortune is in store for you near the sunken Titanic.

My professor is the micro-managing kind. He comes by my desk 65 times a day and asks for updates on the project every 5 minutes. It’s driving me crazy! What should I do?
- J

The solution to this problem, as everyone already knows, is to put sleeping pills in your Professor’s lunch, so as to free up your afternoon. But if you want the WHOLE day off, you need to get him addicted to something. May I recommend video games?

Ease him into computer games. Introduce him, first, to Tetris and Pac-Man. Once he’s hooked, move on to Halo, Half-Life and finally World of Warcraft. Once you reach this stage, there is no looking back. Your prof is 20-feet deep in addiction already. At this point, you might want to call his wife, and drop a few “hints” like this:

You: “Hello Mrs. Professor! Is the Prof there?“
Prof’s Wife: “No! Isn’t he at the University?“
You: “Oh, he left earlier with a young woman in a fancy car. I assumed it was your daughter”
Prof’s Wife: “We don’t have any daughters!“
You: “It’s OK then. He must have just gone to the ‘Wet ‘n Wild’ party that’s happening tonight“
Prof’s Wife: “WHAT?!?!“
You: “Oh, don’t worry. They usually take all the drunk people at the end of the party and leave them by the bus stop. The police only pick them up by 6-7 in the morning, so he’ll only spend tomorrow in Jail. Thanks anyway. Good day, Ma’am!“

My wife keeps nagging me to do unimportant things around the house - Like helping with the cooking and cleaning, dropping the kids to school etc…, but what I really want to do is sit and watch TV. What should I do?
- R

I feel your pain, my friend. What’s the deal with cooking and cleaning anyway? You should boldly tell your wife that cooking and cleaning is a solved problem, and the name of the solution is Pizza! Also tell her solving already solved problems is a sign of insanity. What’s the point of re-inventing the wheel? Also, tell your wife that you absolutely have to watch TV, because if you don’t then all the electrons coming through the cable will get wasted, and wasting electricity is really bad, especially with all the global warming and all. Tell her that you are only watching TV so as to save the Planet! Also, rhetorically ask her “Don’t you care about the planet? OUR Planet? Help me save the world! It’s a nobel cause!“

It might also help to give her the yellow pages, opened to the page with ‘Psychiatrists’. I’m sure your wife will appreciate this thoughtful gesture (especially opening the correct page, the one that she really needs). I can already see it - Your wife will realize all her mistakes, and ask for forgiveness, and will never nag you again.

So, go ahead and try out my advice. Let me know how it goes.

If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

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