I maintain a secret hit list of people that I hate. My plan is to trick them into inhaling laughing gas and then telling them really really bad jokes. Their mind will explode thinking about why they can’t stop laughing at absolutely stupid jokes. Oh, the ideal form of torture!

Anyway, I recently updated my list with these 3 really really annoying people.:

1) Weird-Caller-Tune-Dude
Caller tunes for cell phones are the worst thing ever. They are used, abused and overused so badly that someone needs to start an anti-caller-tune movement. Case in point:

I have this friend, lets call him Dachin. So I’m trying to call Dachin this other day. I dial his number.

*Ring* *Ring*
Me: “Hello?”
Phone: “Hello? Hello?”
Me: “Hey mate, it’s me. Are you game for Tennis on Saturday?”
Phone: “Hello? Are baba… Hello!!! Hello? Hello?”
Me: “Hello? Can you hear me?”
Phone: “Kuch bolte kyo nahin? Hello? Hello?”
Me: “Hello!?? Hello?”
Phone: “Hello? Hello? Kuch sunaiyee nahin de raha”
Me: “Hello!?? GOD DAMN IT! I CAN HEAR YOU!!! Hello?”

At this point, there is a click and Dachin answers his phone, and I realize that I’ve been talking to Dachin’s Caller Tune! Over the next several days, despite knowing about his stupid caller tune, I end up chatting with it several times.

2) Auto with Audi symbol at the back
Autorickshaws have attitude. They probably have a secret club where they meet every Wednesday nights to discuss strategies on how to annoy regular people on roads. The other day, I saw an Autorickshaw with the 4-circle ‘Audi’ symbol at the back. I was like ‘Puh-leasee’. And even worse, it had a snazzy sticker with ‘2500 cc turbo charged inter cooled engine‘ written on it.

2500 cc?!? I don’t think the entire autorichshaw has that much volume, let alone the engine. And they move at a top speed of 12.5 kmph. And, to complete the ‘race-car’ look, this auto had an array of stickers on the side ranging from ‘GReddy’ to ‘NOx’ and ‘Ferrari’. The Auto couldn’t beat a Ferrari even if the Ferrari was going in reverse, but that doesn’t stop the autos from proudly proclaiming their brotherhood with Ferrari.

3) Socrates the philosopher
Socrates is on this list because he’s committed an offense so hedious that the rest of humanity has been suffering ever since. His crime is almost unspeakable – HE MADE PEOPLE THINK! I mean, come on. What did we do to him that he ruined our life so much ?!?

Just think about what all we could do if we didn’t have to think – Want to drive around all day in your big car? Oh, we can’t do that now, because we have to think about the environment. Steal ice cream from a small kid? We can’t do that either, because we have to think about what is right and wrong (It’d be so easy – Small kids are so helpless and can only cry.) Bunk college and play video games all day? I’m sorry, you can’t do that because YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE!

Pah! I’m so fed up of thinking. I’m going to make it illegal to think in Adityaism. That’ll be so cool, no? Think of the possibilities!

Anyway, that’s my hitlist. Do you people also have hitlists? Am I on it?

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