One of the great undervalued skills of life in the 21st Century is the ability to disguise insults. Swearing and cursing to someone’s face is quite easy, but often produces counter-effects (i.e., you’ll get beaten up). If you’re an expert at disguising your insults, your victim will spend several agonizing hours deciding whether what you said was meant as an insult. A very subtle, but brutal form of torture. It’s a lost art these days. But don’t worry, I’m going to help you out with this skill.

1) Use Subliminal Messages
Using this technique requires fine timing. The idea is to blurt out the insult directly, but have a “cover-up” word ready, so that if the victim suspects that you’ve insulted him, you can use the “cover-up” word to get out of the situation.

Example:

The wife has been trying to get me to exercise, but without much luck. So, one day, as I’m going to office:
Me: “Bye bye, I’m off to office”
Wife: “Bye bye, Fatty!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Wife: “Smarty! I said Smarty! You know, because you’re so ‘Smart‘ “
Me: “Hmmm…..”

I spend the next hour trying to figure out whether she really called me fatty. This technique is very powerful, especially if you want to effect emotion trauma along with your insults.

2) Use ambiguous interpretations
Fortunately for us, the English language is full of confusing words whose meanings can be twisted to fit the situation. Some would call this a “bug” with the language, but I say it’s a valuable “feature” of the English language.

Example:

If your GF has just cooked you a meal that you’ve struggled to push down your throat. You have to say something, but not insulting.
GF: “Did you like the Mushroom Risotto with White Sauce? I got the recipe from this new book I bought”
Wrong Answer: “If I had an imaginary Donkey, and if the imaginary donkey hadn’t eaten for 23 days, even then that donkey wouldn’t eat this.”
Right Answer: “It was truly Insipid. Inspiration is a key ingredient.”

With some luck, your GF will think the first ‘Insipid‘ was really ‘Inspired‘. It won’t hit her till later that you said Insipid, but that’ll give you enough time to escape.

3) Complimentary Insults
This is a delicate technique, but with some practice, you can master it. The idea is to use to words next to each other, one complimentary and the other an insult. Your victim will focus on the compliment first, and only later realize that it was really an insult. Works most effectively on people who talk a lot, because they’re eager to acknowledge the compliment part, and their brains don’t process the insult part until later. It’s like how cows chew the cud.

Example:

Your Boyfriend is singing the ‘Aaja Re….Aaja O mere Dilbar aa jaa…’ song. He’s trying to do his ‘haunted‘ voice, but it’s more like the hunted voice. At the end of the song:

BF: “How did you like my voice?”
Wrong Answer: “All the dead ghosts that were haunting this place died once more after hearing that.”
Right Answer: “It was Spectacularly Tragic! What a voice!”

You have to put the emphasis on ‘Spectacularly‘, so that your victim thinks the ‘tragic‘ you’re talking about was the pain and emotion in the song. He’ll only later figure out that what it really means is that it was such a tragedy that you had to listen to it.

Now that you are an expert at disguising insults, go ahead and try them out. The whole world is your playground.

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