Earlier this year, I had resolved to see what could be done to avoid watching all the top-10 worst movies this year again. I discussed the situation with the wife, and she skillfully convinced me that it is my own fault that the movies are bad. Not only that, she also proved to me that watching bad movies improves memory, reduces cholesterol and fights global warming.

And so, reluctantly, I agreed when the wife announced that we were going to watch the movie “Welcome”. But all was not lost yet. I am not the one to take defeat lightly, and I had been working on a master plan to do something about this. The plan of action this time, is to stall and delay us so that we arrive at the theater late and end up missing the movie. Oh, what a brilliant plan! I am so proud of myself!

Soon, D-Day arrived, and it was time to go to the movie.

Wife: “Come on, come on, we’re getting ready. Are you dressed yet?“
Me: “In a second. Almost ready.”

I am sitting in front of the TV.

30 seconds later, The wife comes into the room.

Wife: “You said you were almost ready!“
Me: “Yeah. I said I’m almost ready to start getting ready.“
Wife gives me a cold stare. I try to resist the soul-penetrating tension she is creating. I can hold out for 4.5 seconds, and then I have to get up. Every second matters. My strategy is already working.

After much dilly-dallying, I am unfortunately at the door, ready to go. I look at my watch. We still have plenty of time to catch the movie. I need to stall. I put into action my master-plan.

Me: “What shoes do you think go with this outfit?“
The Wife looks at me strangely, trying to evaluate what I’m up to. I think she’s got a wiff of my plan. I have to be careful now.
Wife: “You have one one pair of shoes. There isn’t much choice now. Just put them on!”
Me: “That’s pretty bad. Oh wait! I can’t go out like this! I need to iron my shirt. Look at how wrinkled it is!“
Wife: “You’re wearing a T-Shirt and a jacket!“
Me: “Yeah. I want to iron my Jacket!“
Wife: “Nobody has ever ironed a jacket. Let’s go!“
Me: “Ha! That’s what they told Einstein when he was working on the theory of relativity. But he didn’t get discouraged by the negativity of others. He went on to do great things!“
Wife: “You want to do great things by ironing your jacket? Have you ever used an iron before?“
Me: “I’ve never used one, but that’s what discovery is all about!“
Wife: “What’s the matter with you? Come on, let go. We’re getting late!“

The wife is hurrying it up. Time to turn up the strategy to ‘evil genius’ level!

Me: “Wait, wait! My hairstyle is not right. I need to apply Hair Gel. I’ll be back in a minute!“
Wife: “You don’t even have Hair Gel. You’ve never used it.“
Damn! Why do I keep bringing up stuff that I’ve never used?
Me: “But we can’t go out now! There is Rahu Kala going on. It is inauspicious to leave the house between 5:00 and 5:45 PM. It said so in the horoscope today! Please don’t bring upon us the wrath of the planets! We’re all going to DIE!!!“

It got a little pathetic at the end, but one cannot be choosy when one is fighting battles. What matters in the end is victory. And I had mine! Oh Yes! My cunning strategy of stalling at the last minute worked, and we were a full 12 seconds late for the movie. I am going to keep working and refining this strategy. My goal is to raise it up to 45 seconds by 2010.

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