Some people think that arguing is pointless and it is not “constructive”, but I beg to disagree. Firstly, there is that incredible entertainment value, which I think is very under-represented. Then, if you are arguing about a sensitive topic with someone who holds their opinion dearly, there is this sheer joy of annoying, then frustrating, then angering the person you are arguing with. Seeing them go through this progressions is one of the few best things of like that are still free. Arguing is a skill, and today I will teach you the most important points.

Be Condescending
Being condescending is the best way to push your opponent from frustration into anger. Effective body language is the key here. One of the most efficient techniques I’ve seen is to yawn with your mouth open wide. You have to get the timing right - Break into the yawn just as the opponent is making an emphatic point. Another technique to use is to tilt your head and let it rest on your hand - As if you’ll fall into sleep if the opponent makes one more boring point.

The above two techniques are what I call “Passive Condescendence“, where you passively show how disinterested you are. The second type, called “Active Condescendence” is also very useful. Here, you want to trivialize your opponents’ statements and rubbish them. Example:

Victim: “… and so, if we have to do something to stop global warming, or we’re all going to die!”
You: “We have to do something about your squeaky nasal voice first, or I’m going to go deaf!”

Victim: “…and that’s why education is so important to one’s life.”
You: “How can you make such a stupid statement? You must be “educated”. Hahaha!”

Use rhymes and “profoundities”
You’ll think I’m kidding, but using rhyming constructs adds a lot of force to your argument. “Might makes Right!” has a certain sound to it that makes everyone feel like it’s true.  Also “No Pain, No Gain” sounds more true than it really is. Using a rhyming first syllable also helps: “Mind over Matter!”, “Hire and Fire”. Using such phrases can make it sound like you know more than you do.

Another trick is to use “profoundities“. Notice that this is using profound statements, not the same as “profanities” (Well, you can use profanities as well, and it sometimes helps to speed up the argument to its logical conclusion - A fist fight). For example, anything said in Latin sounds Profound like “in vino veritas” (”there is truth in wine”) sounds much more convincing than when said in colloquial form: “I want more booze”. This actually goes for any classical language. Anything said in Sanskrit also sounds more convincing - “Tawa Murkham Asi” sounds much more convincing than “You’re an idiot”

When cornered, challenge all assumptions
Occasionally, you’ll find yourself cornered by a logical argument that you can’t get out of. That’s only a problem if you believe in logic. (Believing in logic, by the way, is optional) If you find yourself in this situation, you can have some extra fun by denying all assumptions. Be careful when you do this, however, because in my experience the next step after this is usually flying projectiles that can cause bodily harm. Denying assumptions is easy, philosophers have been doing it for years! Example:

Victim: “…And so our impact on the environment is real”
You: “What is real? It’s just signals your nervous system is sending to your brain. Your brain is creating the reality, which means reality is in your head. That’s another way of saying reality is just your imagination”

Einstein: “…and that’s why the earth revolves around the sun”
You: “Or, it could be an illusion created by the curvature of space-time according to the theory of relativity. Seriously, Einstein, you should read up on this stuff.”

You can tell that I’ve thought about this very deeply. I get a lot of time to think about these strategies when the wife kicks me out of the house for using them on her. That’s also, incidentally, when I write most of my blog posts.

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