It’s time again for Aditya’s Advice Column

Q: My wife makes me go on these morning walks everyday, and it’s complete torture. I have to get up at 6:30 AM and go round and round and round, like a moth flying around in circles around a tube-light. I want to get out of this mess. What should I do?
- VK
A: I find the comparison to the moth very apt, especially because after going round-and-round-and-round the tube-light for a while, the moths eventually die. And that’s what’s going to happen to you if you don’t figure out a way of getting out of this. I have some tips that you can use to try to get out of it.

My first advice to you would be to try and convince your wife that you’re allergic to mornings. Yes, tell her that in the morning, the sun’s rays come at an angle to the earth through the atmosphere, and that increases their vitamin-D content (everyone knows that sun’s rays contain vitamin-D), and that you are allergic to Vitamin-D. You can prove this by showing your groggy, sleepy eyes in the morning, which are undoubtedly caused by the slanting rays of the sun.

Another option you can try is to deny the walk at the source - Don’t get up in the morning at all. Your wife will probably cajole you to get up, then ask you politely, then not-so-politely and then scream names of unpronounceable diseases  at you in an effort to appeal to your good sense to get up and go for a morning walk. She might also claim that it is good for health. But you must be strong and not fall for emotional blackmail like that. One requires great self control and will power to not budge even after all the screaming and yelling, but let me tell you my friend, it is all well worth it in the end. Under some extreme circumstances, you might have to face a bucket full of water, but I’ve found that in such situations, having an umbrella by the bedside usually helps.

Q: This Bangalore Airport fiasco is driving me crazy. In Bangalore, they’ve built a brand new airport 30 kms from the city, but there is no road to reach the airport - It takes 3 hours to get there. Then, they want to close down the existing airport - which is right in the middle of the city and very convenient - after the new one opens. I’ve been trying to keep it open, but these politicians and beauraucrats keep coming in the middle, and now no one knows what’s going on. What should I do?
-RK M

The problem with this whole airport fiasco is that all the involved parties are not willing to talk to each other, but they don’t mind talking about it to everyone else. So here’s what we should do. Let’s take all the politicians, airport dudes and some other dudes and put them into a room. But before going into the room, let’s give all the politicians 3 straight shots of tequila. I find that the shots help everyone think clearly. For example:

Politician before Tequila shots: “We should all endeavor to support our fellow tigers from the brink of extinction, since our national animal, which is also a part of this great nation under Gandhi…”
Politician after Tequila shots: “Lets get the tigers extinct and build an SEZ in all the forest land. The dinosaurs went extinct, and we all got used to it. Ditto with tigers.”

So, once this meeting is finished, I’m sure everyone will come to the proper conclusion - To shut down both airports and make everyone take the train. “Why?” you ask? Because Lallu Prasad promised to give the Airport CEO 12 cows and some land in Bihar in exchange for the favor!

Q: What came first, the Chicken or the Egg?
- RR

A: This profound question has troubled mankind since the beginning, but I have finally figured out the solution. The answer obviously, when you think about, is that the omelet came first.

Shocked? Yes, I was too at first, but it can be proved quite convincingly using the simple  economics of demand-supply. We all know that people demand omelets (you know, because they’re all tasty and all), and because there is a huge demand for omelets, the farmers have to supply the eggs, which are in turn supplied by the chicken themselves. Now, anyone who knows basic economics knows that demand comes before supply (no demand, no supply), we therefore arrive at this equation:

omelet -> egg -> farmer -> chicken ....[ Equation (1)]

From equation (1) above, it is quite clear that the omelet came first. We can finally mark that problem as solved!

If you’d like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept confidential.

Bookmark To: