This is part 2 of a series. First part is below

Saturday morning is here, and I’ve calmed down dramatically since my mouth accidentally promised to go to the GYM on Saturday morning. I’ve managed to convince my soul, my brain and all my other schizophrenic voices in my head that it isn’t going to be so bad, we’ll just fake it. My plan was to fake it all the way, and just pretend to go to the gym, and take a detour through the mall. Plenty of timepass places in the mall to keep me busy for an hour.

And so, I got ready to head out when the wife stopped me.

Wife: “Aren’t you going to take your GYM clothes?”
Me: “Eh?”
Wife: “You know, your exercise clothes. I hope you’re not planning to exercise in your jeans!”
Me: “No no, of course not. I just forgot, that’s all. So, hmm…. Do I have any gym clothes?”
Wife: “No, You don’t.”
Me: “Oh, no! Then I can’t go to the gym! Man, I was looking forward to going, but unfortunately now I can’t. I guess I’ll just sit and watch TV then…”
Wife: “… but I bought you some GYM clothes yesterday!”
Me: “Oh? Well, OK then. I guess I’ll have to go to the GYM in that case.”

And so, I trudged out of the house, carrying a plastic bag with track pants and some T-shirt. I walked across to the mall. Malls are so much fun. I first went to the food court and ate bhel puri, then bought some ice cream. I found a store that had an XBOX kept for demo, and I played at the XBOX for most of the hour (after finishing the ice cream,  of course). I did some more time pass, and before you know it, “gym time” was up. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday morning! I could do this every day! And the best part is, the wife things I’m at the GYM. Am I a genius or what?

Just as I walked back into the house, the wife switched off the TV and comes up to me to find out how my first GYM session had gone.

Me: “Oh, it was awesome! I enjoyed it tremendously!”
Wife: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah. I did some exercise and it was all very easy for me.”

I was feeling good. My brilliant plan of skipping gym was making me feel very proud of myself.

Wife: “So, you ran on the treadmill? How fast did you run?”

Having rarely run to anywhere, my brain wasn’t entirely aware what speed people usually run at. I began thinking: “Well, lets see… Airplanes take off at 200 kmph, but when people run, they don’t take off, so they must be going slower, so…”

Wife: “Well?”
Me: “35!”
Wife: “35 kilometers per hour? That’s very good!”

What do you know? This is going rather well. My ego is feeling good. It starts blabbering…

Me: “That’s nothing! I also went to the lifting-maching-thing and lifted 40 kgs weights.”
Wife: “That’s impressive!”
Me: “Ha! That’s nothing! The GYM instructor was so impressed, that he said I am a complete natural, and ShahRukh Khan and his precious 6-pack had better watch out!”
Wife: “Really? So the instructor was very impressed huh?”

The wife is nodding and paying attention to my boastful claims, and that strokes my ego even more. Man, this is fun! I’m starting to get carried away…

Me: “Ha! That’s nothing! The weight lifting thing was so easy for me that I asked them to put on more weights, but they ran out of weights! I even answered my cell phone while lifting the weights in one hand.”

Wife: “Very good! Then they were all very impressed then!”
Me: “Oh yeah yeah. It was a breeze… HaHaha! I left the other people gasping!  They must have been thinking: This guy has natural gym talent!”
Wife: “Really? Well done… Here, let me take your gym clothes. They must have gotten dirty, no?”

This was a really big clue that the wife knew something that I had missed. But in that moment of self-heroism, the huge clue completely missed me. My ego was enjoying the show-off so much, that my brain failed to notice such a big hint. Unfortunately ego wins over logic every time.

Me: “Ha! The GYM was so easy for me that I didn’t even work up a sweat! Look at the clothes, they’re as good as new!”
Wife: “So, you spent the full hour at the gym?”
Me: “Yeah. All of the 60 minutes! In fact, the instructor got tired at the end of it, you know, fetching me weights and putting away dumbbells and all that stuff.”
Wife: “That’s very interesting. So do you remember Janavi from the 3rd floor? Her husband was also going to join today?”

Uh Oh! Something is not right.

Me: “Yeah yeah, he was there too. I saw him. I said Hi! Nice chap!”
Wife: “So, apparently, he went there, but it turns out that the GYM is closed today for renovation.”

Oh, bugger! Crap crap crap! How could this have happened? Why didn’t I go and at least PEEK at the gym? I would have found out that the GYM wasn’t open today. And oh my God! All the stuff I said earlier! This is a very bad way to get caught! No No No!!!! Hopeless Hopeless! And on top of that, my brain makes a half-ass attempt at recovering from this impossible situation:

Me: “Did I say I went to the GYM? I actually meant I went for a jog AROUND the gym. Yeah, that’s what I meant!”
She’s giving me The Look.
Me: “Aahh… I mean… I was going to go to the gym, but… err… I mean… hmmm…. Have you lost weight? You’re looking FABULOUS!”

As you’ve probably figured out, I’d dug myself into such a deep hole, that escape was impossible. And now, because of my big big mouth, the wife takes me “walking” around the apartment every night. 4 rounds! But the worse part is that I still haven’t got a plan to avoid watching the movies, which is how this whole thing started in the first place!

Moral of the story? “Don’t talk about the GYM. It’ll always get you into trouble!”