You’ve all probably heard already that our planet is on the bring of exploding because of this phenomenon called Global Warming. Apparently we’re dumping so much CO2 into the atmosphere that our planet is getting cooked. This is really bad, and the world, if you’ve noticed, is busy fighting this global war against… hmm… I’m not sure who we’re fighting, but it’s an exciting war. I want to do my part to help stop this Climate Change thing, and here are some things you can do to help:

1) Cut more Trees
The central problem that is causing this climate change is that we’re dumping too much CO2 into the atmosphere, and that’s why trees are our friends - They absorb the CO2 from the atmosphere and store it in their tree trunks. But once a tree is fully grown, it stops growing and that means it can’t store any extra CO2 in its branches and tree trunk. This is why we need to cut down fully grown trees, so that we can let the smaller plants get the water and soil and grow into a tree. As the small plant grows into the tree, it sucks the CO2 out of the atmosphere and stores it away.

As to what to do with Trees that we cut - we shouldn’t burn the trees because that would release the CO2 back into the atmosphere, so we need to do something else with it. Fortunately, there is plenty of things we can do with the wood - Make sofas and windows and more importantly Dining tables!

“Cut Trees, Make Sofas and Stop Global Warming!” That can be our slogan!

2) Waste more water
As you’ve probably heard, this global warming is going to cause our sea levels to rise, and if we don’t stop it, all our coastal cities - Mumbai, New York and Singapore - are all going to become underwater museums for Dolphins to enjoy. So how do we stop all this extra water from raising sea levels?

The answer, as is obvious to any sensible human, is to consume more water. Lets take all that extra water and waste it, so that it goes from our houses into the drains and then into the rivers. And before this wasted water reaches the oceans again, we should waste even more water to make up for it. So, the next time you go to the bathroom, remember to flush three or four times and waste as much water as you can - You all have to make some sacrifices for the environment.

3) Buy more stuff
Being green is expensive - companies need lots of money to go green. Buying clean energy, reducing their carbon footprint, putting up lots of advertisements claiming how the company is becoming green. I’ve heard even the green ink in color printers is starting to become more expensive - Because companies are making their printers go green too. Anyway, becoming environmentally friendly is expensive for large companies, and it takes a lot of money for that. Where is this money going to come from?

That’s why we all need to go out and shop for stuff. By giving these poor big companies our money, we can increase their profits so that they may invest more in advertising and making sure that all consumers know that the company is going green. We have to help out our big corporations with money - They have hardly any left after spending so much on buying IPL players, buying private jets and paying a few crores to their CEOs.

So the next time you go to the shopping mall, make sure you buy those shirts and dresses you’re never going to wear - It’s for a good cause. Borrow on your credit card, take out a personal loan if you have to. It’s all for the sake of the planet. You love our mother earth, don’t you?

• 7 Comments

As all you already know, I’ve been working on strategies to try to avoid watching movies. The wife is a big movie buff, and she drags me along to watch ALL movies. Her theory is that watching movies together helps us “connect and rejuvenate” our relationship, but the only thing I’m connecting with while watching these movies is with my boredom. To try to solve this problem, I’ve been trying to come up with some good strategies, but the previous ones have not been very successful. Recently, I stumbled upon a new strategy.

So the other day the wife emphatically announced that we were going to watch the movie “Tare Zameen Par”. The wife had already watched it once, but I was (un)lucky enough to have missed it, and so the wife wanted to show the movie to me. I didn’t register any protest, and quietly went along. This somewhat pleased the wife, but that was a part of my plan.

The appointed day came, and we went to the theatre and found our seats. Just as the movie was starting, I asked her

Me: “So, what movie are we watching?”
Wife: “??? Tare Zameen Par. I already told you.”
Me: “What is it about? Is it a sci-fi thriller about how to create nuclear-fusion-based stars in earth laboratories?”
Wife: “No… No… It’s a sensitive story about special children.”
Me: “What’s special about the children? Do they have super-powers? Man… I wish I had some super-powers when I was a kid. I could have used them against the princy…”
Wife: “Shhhh… Keep quite and watch.”

The movie starts and jumps into the subject right away, where they show how a small kid is having trouble at school. The director has made a huge fuss about how the kid doesn’t get anything happening in school, and I don’t understand this. Aren’t most kids like that? They don’t understand just what the hell is happening in school, they just pretend to do what the teacher tells them to do, all the while really worrying about why The Undertaker didn’t open the “Casket Of The Dark Side” on the WWF show last night. At least that’s how I was when I was a kid.

Anyway, the wife is totally engrossed in the movie, and is paying full attention. I make my next move.

Me: “When is the car chase?”
Wife: “What?!?”
Me: “You know, where the bad guy drives a fast car through the streets like a F1 driver on steroids and the good guy chases after him?”
Wife: “This is not that kind of movie!”
Me: “WHAT?!!? No car chase? What kind of boring movie has no car chase?!?”
Wife: “Keep quite and watch…”

My plan seems to be taking effect. Not only is the wife getting irritated, but so is the crowd around us. Several more minutes go by where the director makes even more fuss about the kid’s supposed dyslexia. And then finally, Aamir Khan makes an entrance. Now the movie moves to the part where Aamir Khan is helping the kid.

Me: “I think Aamir Khan is an alien.”
Wife: “What?!?”
Me: “He’s an alien in the movie. He’s brainwashing the kids so that they don’t resist when the Alien Clone army invades the planet. Aamir Khan is their leader.”
Wife: “Sshh….”
Me: “That’s why the movie is called Tare Zameen Par. The Aliens from the Stars will come to the Zameen and invade the planet. You just watch… I’ll bet in the next scene Aamir Khan takes off his mask to reveal the alien inside.”

At this point and old-ish looking lady sitting in the front row turns back and gives me a stare. Just as she’s trying to say something, I interrupt her…

Me (Looking at the lady in front): “Besides, I don’t know why the kid just doesn’t kick the princy’s ass? I mean, come on.”
The Wife is mortified, and tries to elbow me to keep quite.
Me: (undettered): “Ha! If it was Rambo, he’d have killed them all with a pocket knife and taken the President hostage by now. This is a lame movie. It’s been 3 hours and no one’s gotten killed! I mean, COME ON!!!”

By now, everyone around is looking at us. The wife is horrified, and profusely apologizes to the crowd around us and gives me a cold stare that could have frozen The Terminator. Fortunately, the movie soon ends. I think the wife is having second thoughts about taking me to movies again. My plan might have just worked!!!

By the way, did you know that you can fill your stomach by eating just bananas for dinner and breakfast the next day? I made this monumental discovery after going home that day.

• 12 Comments