The Universe behaves in very mysterious ways, and Women even more so. There are several things I don’t understand about this world – Theoretical particle physics, Aristotle’s Philosophy and why women buy so many shoes. I’ve researched the problem extensively, and I’ve developed my own explanation to understand the freakiest of all phenomenon – Why do Women buy so many shoes?

I’ve had the pleasure of studying this phenomenon up close. The wife has a full size wardrobe for shoes alone. She has more shoes than I have clothes. Heck, she has more shoes than I have games for my PS2! That got me thinking… What could possibly explain the need for women to own so many shoes?

My first hypothesis was that shoes are very useful as attack projectiles, deadly accurate and easily throwable. They even carry a strong message of feminism apparently, that is adequately conveyed to the unwilling recipient of the projectiles. I used to think that this is a very good form of offense, until I discovered the secret to dodging these harmful projectiles. In all honesty, I didn’t discover this technique, Neo from the Matrix did. He figured out he could dodge them by leaning backwards and waving your hands until the shoes passed safely overhead. (He later used this technique to dodge bullets, but they seemed to have missed the shoe scene in the movie). You should all try it the next time you are confronted with flying shoes. I can assure you that it works reliably.

As I was thinking of this, I also discovered that the shoes can have a more efficient use. You see, the shoes are in a sort-of symbiotic relationship with clothes. See, the ratio of clothes to shoes is a delicate balance, and the dynamic system (sometimes called “a woman” in layman terms) is constantly seeking this equilibrium. Sometimes the system overshoots on the clothes side, and to compensate has to buy more shoes and vice-versa, oscillating in a more shoes -> more clothes -> more shoes motion. It is believed that the system eventually converges onto a stable state, but this has not yet been experimentally observed. The value of this ratio is not known, but legend has it that the universe will explode if someone tries to evaluate it mathematically. This gives you the illusion that more shoes are being unnecessarily bought, but that of course, is not the case – The system is merely trying to adjust itself to equilibrium.

I was struggling with this question for several days when the solution occurred to me out of the blue – It just hit me! Women buy so many shoes because they want to help the planet and our environment and to stop Global Warming! That’s right. I was confused at first too, but then I figured out the logic – See, the more shoes you have, the more space they occupy, and the less space there is for the CO2 to occupy. Therefore, by occupying volume, they are preventing the CO2 from occupying all that space and are thus reducing the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere.

This is such an insightful discovery! I had no idea that shoes were so good for the planet! I urge everyone to go out and buy more shoes!

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