Bollywood never makes the movies that I want to watch. My ideal movie would star Altaf Raja singing his soporific songs, his wife then gets frustrated and kills him. He is then reborn as Himesh Reshamia and comes back and avenges his death in the previous birth by singing to her, and she dies of a ruptured ear drum. Now that’s a movie I’d pay to watch.

Instead, we decided to go to this “Rab Ne Bana Di Joodi” movie. Watching the promos, I thought the story would be something like this: SRK has a daughter who is not getting good marks in her college, so he puts her in a dance class, and she wins consolation prize. The End.

But NOOOOOO! The heroine, who is indeed young enough to play his daughter, is actually HIS WIFE, and the movie is the same story as a 1960’s flop-movie-love-story. The movie theatres should introduce a new feature, where at the security gate, you can leave your intelligence and innate sense of logic, because god forbid if you carry your common sense into the movie theatre, it will try to hang itself watching this movie. The central point of this movie is the assumption that the heroine cannot recognize SRK without his pink glasses. I mean, COME ON!

Instead, it seems, SRK keeps making these same old same old love stories that nobody really understands. His appeal has now dropped below Mithun Chakraborthy’s, as is evident from Rab Ne Bana Di Joodi. This movie is just a remix of his last movie “Om Shanti Om”, with all the remotely interesting parts removed. It features the same endless song featuring a bunch of bollywood celebrities, the same jokes that were used in DDLJ and the same my-monkey-is-constipated “emotional” scenes that have become trademark Shahrukh Khan fare. If you ask me, SRK’s stock is at an all time low, and he should now just liquidate his assets and go into retirement. If he instead keeps making these movies, the government will have to bailout us, since watching this movie will certainly send you into a personal emotional recession.

You have been warned!

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The Wife and I recently were on a vacation in the Maldives. Beautiful country – Lovely beaches, resorts on private islands, a villa on the beach and all that, but that wasn’t what was fun about the vacation. It seems that the whole country is just about 1 meter above sea level. And that makes the entire country’s population freaked out about global warming. Global Warming. Entire Country! What fun!

Now, regular readers will know my intellectually strong position on the topic of Global Warming. So we were walking around the capital city and the tour guide was showing about 8 of us tourists around. He was punctuating every sentence he was saying with gyaan on global warming and how it was going to destroy their country.

Guide: “Global warming is a real problem! The millions of tons of CO2 dumped in the atmosphere is destroying the planet!”
Me: “HA!”

The wife gives me a little nudge followed by a stare. The guide gives me a stare too.

Guide: “… and moving along, we have here an organic waste recycling plant!”
Me: “Why don’t you just feed the organic waste to the fish? I’ll bet it tastes like food to them!”

Everyone turns around and looks at me. I point my finger to my head, telling the rest of the crowd how brilliant I think the idea is.

Guide: “We want to be as green as possible. They say in 50 years, the sea levels will rise and bury our country under water!”
Me: “Relax man. In 5 years, everyone will forget about global warming, just like they forgot about the ozone layer, El Nino and acid rain. And even if global warming is true, you can just move to Russia, since all that snow will have melted and that hell-hole will become livable, thanks to global warming! Hahahaa!”

It turns out that there were 2 Russian couples in our tour group. They gave me such a cold stare that my blood froze. Man! What the tundra does to humans! Anyway, for a bunch of people that were out on vacation trying to relax, this bunch looked rather worried. It seemed like I was the only one having fun! I turned to the wife to share with her this insight, and she gave me the YIIKU look. (For the un-initiated, that’s the “You Idiot! I’ll Kill You!” look)

Surprisingly, our guide ended the tour early. I wonder why. Anyway, later that day, we went to dinner at a restaurant in the resort. After dinner, the waiter came with the bill, and it said 400 US Dollars!!!! Now I was pretty sure we didn’t eat that much, so we must have had a lot to drink. Either that, or the whole country was in this together and decided to screw me. Lovely place though. I highly recommend it!

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