A friend of mine got married recently, and before he jumped into the dark abyss that is euphemistically called “married life”, he came to me to ask for some advice. Seeing that I have some experience at this marriage thing, he thought it would be a good idea. Ha!

For a minute, I experienced an elated feeling of Schadenfreude – The pleasure of happiness derived from the suffering of others. Muahahahaaaa!

Asking me for married life advice is like asking a Tiger for advice on how to escape from predators. Not only is the tiger likely to screw you over, but you will also be staring down two dozen razor sharp teeth when you realize that you’ve been given incorrect advice. You know you are being had by the tiger, when it gives advice like: “The best way to escape predators is to use reverse psychology. Approach the predator with boldness, walk up confidently and say something like ‘I ate your mama for lunch, you big ugly beast’. That should save you from the predator”.

I was thinking I’ll give my friend advice like the tiger from the story above, but I was overcome with feeling of pity for the poor guy. I mean, he’s been already handed a death sentence, and he’s going to suffer it the rest of his life without me needing to make it any worse for him.

And it is for this reason, for the benefit of entire mankind that I have decided to come out and give some honest advice for all those guys out there who are on the fence. What follows is the great wisdom from the holy book of Adityaism. Read it, and you will be set free. (Either you or your soul will achieve Moksha, but there are no guarantees).

1. Do everything you can to get out of doing household chores
Back in the day, when guys would get married, they would get a lot of dowry that would make life awesome! These days, you get household chores that make life miserable. There are hundreds of things to do around the house, and if you break down and do EVEN ONE CHORE, then its the gallows for you. Doing just one chore is an admission that you are capable and competent, and that is an image you can’t afford to keep. You must do everything to display your incompetence at the fullest, so you don’t get asked to do any work around the house.

2. #1 doesn’t work. Hire a cook, maid instead.
No matter how hard you try, the one thing you learn in a marriage is that you can’t win. I think it violates some quantum mechanical laws if you win an argument with your wife, so don’t even try. The easiest way to get out of chores is to hire a maid and a cook to do all the household work. You know what they say: “Liberty comes at a price. About 2500 rupees a month.”

3. Never agree to a joint bank account.
I have learned from the wife that some women have a very strange understanding of finance and money. We’ve had many conversations that have raised some philosophical questions about how the world works. For example:

Wife: “I bought two sarees instead of one!”
Me: “What? Why?”
Wife: “Inflation”

Wife: “I was walking by the mall, and I bought a couple of bottles of the perfume ‘Chanel No. 5′ today.”
Me : “Why did you do that?”
Wife: “To improve liquidity.”
Me: “I don’t think that’s how it works.”
Wife: “Yes it does. I read it in Femina.”

There are many more tips, but not enough time today. I might write a book about this someday, but for now, I have to go now and put the clothes in the washing machine.

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My dear public,

I was on my first class Singapore Airlines flight to Hong Kong for my bi-weekly vacation when I heard about Satyam’s so-called fraud. This is a big tragedy for all of us, especially me. I’ll have to cut my vacation short and come back to my office to reassure my employees, because the employees are worried that my company may be next. Silly employees.

Every few years, a CEO slips and makes a mistake and  gets himself into trouble, and the rest of us have to bear the consequences. But this drill is well-rehearsed. I will now call an “all-hands-meeting”, just like every CEO in the world, and stand in front of 10,000 employees and hand out the usual drivel : “Our business continues to remain strong, and we are well focused. We will continue to concentrate our synergies on leveraging core resources to develop competencies and deliver the best value added services in the industry setting new benchmarks while constantly innovating our balance sheets”. But Ramalinga Raju’s stupidity is not without consequence. I will now by able to buy only a 21-carat diamond for my wife for our half-yearly anniversary instead of our usual cruise in the Caribbean.

Most people don’t really understand the world of CEOs. What CEOs really do and why they are paid so much is such a big mystery, but I can’t see why it should be. CEOs do a very important job, and they get paid for it. Delivering balance sheet innovation is one of the key responsibilities of a CEO. CEOs spend all day strategizing and synergizing (day dreaming), talking to customers and understanding their core problems (playing golf), managing employees and setting direction and vision (telling fairy tales). What comes out of this process at the end of every quarter is called a “balance sheet” (fictional short story with lots of numbers) that drives the stock price up (Caribbean Cruise!).

Many young and aspiring kids ask me “How can I be like you?” and I tell them only one thing. “Have an idol in front of you. Follow his work!”. Personally, my idol is Andrew Sullivan, who was the big boss of AIG. His resume speaks for itself : Wrecked a $100 billion company, drove it to the ground, threaten to take down the entire global economy down with it, then convinced politicians to give AIG $200 billion dollars of taxpayer money, then spent it on a 5-star resort and hunting trip in Europe, all the while getting paid millions of dollars in salary and bonuses.

Bonus. For wrecking a $100 billion company.  Bow down and worship him, he’s GOD!

So, in conclusion, my dear public, don’t get too worried with all that is happening around you. You just focus on getting up in the morning and going to work, clocking the hours all month for just enough money to pay your EMIs and don’t get your head into the world of big money. Leave that to us CEOs.

I have to go now, the air hostess is bringing the 4th course of my 7 course dinner service. ‘Till next time!
The Anonymous CEO.

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