My dear public,

I was on my first class Singapore Airlines flight to Hong Kong for my bi-weekly vacation when I heard about Satyam’s so-called fraud. This is a big tragedy for all of us, especially me. I’ll have to cut my vacation short and come back to my office to reassure my employees, because the employees are worried that my company may be next. Silly employees.

Every few years, a CEO slips and makes a mistake and  gets himself into trouble, and the rest of us have to bear the consequences. But this drill is well-rehearsed. I will now call an “all-hands-meeting”, just like every CEO in the world, and stand in front of 10,000 employees and hand out the usual drivel : “Our business continues to remain strong, and we are well focused. We will continue to concentrate our synergies on leveraging core resources to develop competencies and deliver the best value added services in the industry setting new benchmarks while constantly innovating our balance sheets”. But Ramalinga Raju’s stupidity is not without consequence. I will now by able to buy only a 21-carat diamond for my wife for our half-yearly anniversary instead of our usual cruise in the Caribbean.

Most people don’t really understand the world of CEOs. What CEOs really do and why they are paid so much is such a big mystery, but I can’t see why it should be. CEOs do a very important job, and they get paid for it. Delivering balance sheet innovation is one of the key responsibilities of a CEO. CEOs spend all day strategizing and synergizing (day dreaming), talking to customers and understanding their core problems (playing golf), managing employees and setting direction and vision (telling fairy tales). What comes out of this process at the end of every quarter is called a “balance sheet” (fictional short story with lots of numbers) that drives the stock price up (Caribbean Cruise!).

Many young and aspiring kids ask me “How can I be like you?” and I tell them only one thing. “Have an idol in front of you. Follow his work!”. Personally, my idol is Andrew Sullivan, who was the big boss of AIG. His resume speaks for itself : Wrecked a $100 billion company, drove it to the ground, threaten to take down the entire global economy down with it, then convinced politicians to give AIG $200 billion dollars of taxpayer money, then spent it on a 5-star resort and hunting trip in Europe, all the while getting paid millions of dollars in salary and bonuses.

Bonus. For wrecking a $100 billion company.  Bow down and worship him, he’s GOD!

So, in conclusion, my dear public, don’t get too worried with all that is happening around you. You just focus on getting up in the morning and going to work, clocking the hours all month for just enough money to pay your EMIs and don’t get your head into the world of big money. Leave that to us CEOs.

I have to go now, the air hostess is bringing the 4th course of my 7 course dinner service. ‘Till next time!
The Anonymous CEO.

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