I really don’t understand this Fashion Business. My tiny brain can’t make any sense out of it. I’m what you’d call a fashion-aethist. I just don’t believe in Fashion.

How can a Red Shirt not “go” with a Pink Pant? It smells of racism to me. Our forefathers fought hard for our independence and I will stand for the rights of the Red Shirt to go with whatever Pants it pleases. Give me freedom from the tyranny of “color combinations” or give me death, I always say. “Freedom to all the colors”, that should be our motto.

But my campaign for the right of various colored Shirts and Pants to co-exist has not gone down so well with the Wife. The other day, I was wearing a crumpled up shirt, and supposedly that’s not right. Apparently, it needs to be ironed before it can be worn. So let me get this straight: You’d torture the shirt with a burning red-hot iron, douse it with steam and remove all the lines and creases that define the personality of a shirt, all in the name of fashion? And not to talk about all the electricity that uses and global warming!

My theory is that fashion is just a mass delusion perpetuated by the big corporations. You just have to read one of these fashion magazines for proof. For the purposes of this blog post, I bravely opened up the “Vogue” magazine yesterday. All in the name of honorable scientific research, of course. What I found shocked me!

The Vogue magazine has 35 pages of ads before the table of contents. And I can’t figure out the ads at all. Your typical ad in the vogue magazine has a skinny, malnutritioned female with messed up hair, wearing what can be described best as “torn and worn out clothes” looking desperately into the camera. The only problem is that I can’t figure out if the model is saying “Buy this $10,000 Christian Dior perfume” or “Please feed me, I haven’t eaten for 3 days!”

Think about it for a while: The fashion industry is the only one where the companies tell you what you’re supposed to be wearing (i.e., what’s IN this season), and also sell it to you. They control both demand and supply.

I rest my case.

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Jet Lag is a common phenomenon. Lots of people apparently have trouble sleeping when they suddenly make large time-zone shifts. My sister even claims to feel jet lag when traveling from Mumbai to Bangalore (because of the 3-degree change in longitude, apparently).

Jet lag itself doesn’t seem to affect me much, but I suffer from what I call Food Jet-Lag. I’m surprised that other people don’t. My stomach has trouble adjusting to the timezone more that my brain does. That kinda makes sense, because my stomach is the center of my thoughts, and my brain is asleep all the time anyway.

So, I recently got back from the US auf A. The first day went by without any problem, I had dinner and went off to sleep.

Then, at 2:30 AM, I hear some strange noises. I wake up with a start. It’s my tummy growling. It thinks it is Lunch Time. The wife is sound asleep. And to make things worse, the voices in my head start talking too.

Voice #1: “I’m in the mood for Pizza!”
Voice #2: “Yeah. How about a thin-crust pizza with tomato and pineapple toppings, with a layer of cheese on top. And to finish of, some olives and paneer pieces sprinkled ever so lightly…Ah, the flavour…”
Voice #1: “Aaahhh! I can smell it already!”

The graphic description is just too much for me. I’m starting to feel *real* hungry now. I try to see if the wife is awake.

Me: “Are you awake?”
Wife (making a feeble attempt at waking up): “XwuiqaDuriTkjdOas?”
Me: “I’m Hungry!”
Wife: “……………”
She’s probably decided that I’m a bad dream and decided to ignore it. Well, I guess I’m on my own.

I wander down over to the kitchen and try to dig up something from the fridge. As I sit down with my cold food, I wonder if I should attempt to cook up something, but quickly decide against it, based on my previous experiences with cooking.

I start eating, and that gets me thinking: What causes Jet Lag? Based on all the evidence I’ve seen and heard from other people, I come to the most logical conclusion: Jet Lag provides a great excuse for slacking off at home from all your chores for the next several weeks. You can always claim that “This jet lag is very brutal. Can you please do <insert most hated household chore here> for me?“

You can then go and watch TV. If your wife asks how come you’re not asleep, you can quote the several scientific studies that prove beyond doubt that watching TV helps fight Jet Lag.

I think the person that invented Jet Lag was an absolute genius. Don’t you agree?

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“So, What are your hobbies?”

This is my most-hated question of all time. It is also the question that I get asked the most frequently. Usually, when you meet a new person, after the initial introductions and “where do you work?”-talk, this question inevitably comes up.

Have have never been able to patiently explain to anyone that I don’t have any hobbies. Everyone expects you to have meaningful hobbies that help you grow as a person – Like Carpentry or Reading Philosophy or studying the history of Stamps.

The closest I’ve come to a hobby is collecting comic books, but apparently that misses the whole “personal growth” thing. I inevitably get asked “How old are you again?” when I tell anyone I collect comic books.

I usually want to tell people that my hobby is: “I like collecting dried blood from dead insects that I like to kill with my bare hands“. At least they won’t ask any more questions after that. I tried this a couple of times, but I’m really scared someone will say “Me too!” and start discussing effective ways to dry dead mosquitoes.

The hobby question comes in different varieties – “What do you do on weekends?” or “What do you do in your spare time?” I think people who ask this question are really saying: “Tell me more about yourself, things that interest you and you are deeply passionate about”. Why don’t people understand that I’m a really shallow and superficial person? I don’t have any “deep” interests!

I think the world at large discriminates against shallow and superficial people. Have you noticed how all the bad guys in movies are shown as being really superficial? They’re only interested in money and don’t care about the “deeper feelings of Friendship, Empathy and Love for everyone?“. Oh Please. If you had money, you could outsource the “deeper feelings of Friendship, Empathy and Love for everyone” to someone else and focus on the “shallow joys of flying in your private jet“.

You know what, I’m going to make it my hobby to spread my ideas about “shallow and superficial living” to the world. I already have a religion to go with it. I’ve also thought up some catchy slogans:

“Meditation will only get you peace of mind. For a peaceful soul, gamble money at a casino!“

“Friendship and Love won’t get you to heaven, but Vodka will. Vodka: Anti-freeze for the soul!“

See Also:
- My Comic Book Collection
- My Toy Car Collection
- Adityaism – My new Religion (beta)
- How to fake Philosophy as a Hobby

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Apparently, yesterday was “Blog Action Day”. It’s about “Bloggers all over the world unite for a single cause – The Environment“. And I found out about it today. Late as usual. But there are several things about this I don’t get.

Firstly, I don’t like the idea of “action”. It’s against my religious principles. Besides, the very reason I’m writing a blog is because I’m too lazy and soaked in inaction to get up and do anything more useful with my life. If there was even a remote possibility of me *ever* getting up and “acting“, I wouldn’t be writing a blog in the first place.

Secondly, what’s wrong with the Environment? I just looked out of the window, and it’s still there. And I’m pretty sure it’ll be there tomorrow also. What’s everyone so hyper about? They’all say the world is getting hotter. Well, Duh! Obviously, it’s because of the sizzling Rakhi Sawant.

And thirdly, who decides these things anyway? Even the holiday-deciding people are weirdos. How come there’s a Mother’s day, Father’s day, but no Son’s day? How about Husband’s day? No People-Whose-Names-Start-With-The-Letter-A day? This is a scam. I’m missing out on so many gifts!

And fourthly, …..hmm…. I can’t remember what my fourth argument was. It had something to do with Sandwiches, Motorcycles, the Mars Rovers and recycling Plastic. I’m sure there was something that related all of it together. It’ll come back to me sometime.

So here’s my action for “Blog Action Day For The Environment” – All you readers get up, wiggle your toes, close your eyes and think about Rakhi Sawant.

Go.

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They say there are 2 things that are guaranteed in life. Death and Taxes. I want to add a third to the list: Traffic.

Traffic and I seem to have a never-ending love affair. It keeps following me everywhere, never letting me go, always behind me and haunting me.

Traffic is really everywhere. There’s this highway here called the ’101′. It’s Silicon Valley’s equivalent of Bangalore’s Hosur Road. Now, this is a nice 5-lane-each-direction highway, but it looks like a parking garage during rush hour. Full of cars going at two-and-a-half kmph. And at one of the exits, you have to wait at the same signal -three times- to cross it. Aahh….just like Marathalli bridge in Bangalore. And the other day, they’d dug up 2 lanes of this highway causing even more traffic jams – just like the roads back home. It felt so good. I think I’ve developed an emotional attachment with the 101.

But traffic out here is boring. You have to sit and twiddle your thumbs and just follow the car in front of you. You can’t even honk or overtake or get out and swear at random people. In Bangalore, on the other hand, traffic is very alive and happening. People are honking, the 2-wheelers are trying to squeeze through, pedestrians are running for their lives and the killer autos are driving on the footpaths. Driving in Bangalore is a challenge. It’s exciting and fun. Driving here is a chore.

Driving on the highway is also very different. I remember the first time I drove on a US interstate. Nice wide road, people actually following lane discipline and no signals anywhere. I thought – Wow! This is so cool! But soon, I discovered just how boring it gets. You can’t overspeed, you can’t pretend you’re driving an F1 car and you can’t zig-zag through the other cars. You just have to follow the car in front of you. Even worse, the cars here have this ‘cruise control’ feature that can do ‘follow-the-car-in-front’ thing automatically. You don’t have to do anything! How boring

Compare that to driving on a highway in India – You can do just whatever the hell you like. Plus, there is a real risk of you crashing into a buffalo. You can drive at whatever speed, in whatever lane, in whatever direction. You are the king! All these things make the driving exciting. Makes you feel ALIVE!

Since we have to live with traffic anyway, I’ll take the traffic in Bangalore anyday. It’s like going on the roller-coaster everytime. I can’t wait to drive on Bangalore’s roads again.

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You know, I think all these so-called scientists are totally wasting their time. And mine. They keep “discovering” things like – “Coffee reduces the risk of inner-respiratory lung disease by 0.0004%” and “Not Smoking helps give you 2 days of extra life”. Duh! I already know that.

Why don’t these scientists spend their time discovering more useful things? If they’ve all run out of ideas, I have some:

1) A way to clone yourself – and make the clone go to work.
This is an idea whose time has come. I should be able to make my own instant clone (like in a Microwave). Then I should be able to send the clone to work. That way, I can sit and write blogs all day. Plus, since the clone makes all the money, you don’t have to worry. You can just enjoy your day!

2) A tablet that can be taken instead of taking a bath.
This is something that I’d pay money for. I should be able to take that tablet, and then I shouldn’t need to take a bath for a week. Oh come on, admit it. You’ve thought about it. Think about the possibilities! That’ll just knock 10-20 minutes from my morning, which I can spend – sleeping.

3) Print your own money – at home
I don’t understand why HP and Cannon and all the printer makers haven’t thought about it – They should invent a program that can print the 100 Rupee note on both sides of a paper. This is the greatest idea ever. If we can print Movie Tickets and Airline Tickets at home, why not just print the money directly?

4) A moving chair – that moves behind me.
They should invent this chair that can follow me around everywhere. So that, whenever I want, I can just drop, and the chair will always be there so that I can instantly sit. Think about the applications – Movie Theaters, restaurants and even cars – They can all save money by removing their existing chairs.

My God! How come the scientists can’t think of these things?

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Did you folks hear about the latest Microsoft Excel Fiasco? Apparently, Excel 2007 can’t do simple multiplication! Typing 850 x 77.1 gives the answer as 100,000 instead of the correct 65,535. I’m not kidding. Read about it here and here.

Let me be the first to say that this is not a bug, it’s a feature. People familiar with this situation will have heard of this legend:

Q: How many Bill Gates’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will declare darkness to be the new industry standard.

Now that’s what I call a really innovative company. A company becomes innovative by challenging the rules of the game. Microsoft is challenging the very core of Mathematics. You can’t get more innovative than that.

And these mathematical rules are arbitrary anyway. Most people falsely believe that Mathematics is the language of the universe, and that the laws of mathematics hold absolutely. Huh! Some people will believe anything. Remember how people once thought that the Earth was flat? And Galileo challenged that? Well, by challenging the rules of Mathematics, Bill Gates has proven that he is the Galileo of our age.

From now on, numbers between 65,536 and 99,999 will be banned from our civilization. Don’t worry, that’s only a few numbers, no one will miss them. And we have lots of numbers, anyway. And there will be strict penalties for violating this rule.

Small Kid: “Mummy, mummy, what number comes after 65,535?”
Mum: “100,000 baby”
Small Kid: “What about 65,536?”
Mum: “Oh NO!”
The room turns into a bright blue color. The Blue-Screen-Of-Death monster emerges from nowhere and swallows the kid.
Mum: “Stupid Kid! That’s what happens when you don’t obey Microsoft.”

And thanks to Microsoft, our world will be a safer place. We can all thank Microsoft, for the fantastic innovations they have delivered over the years. Some readily come to mind:

1. Windows hangs every 15 minutes and needs to be restarted. This is to prevent eye strain and Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.
2. The “friendly” Clippy from Office 2000. Who can forget the enormous help and “tips” that Clippy has provided over the years.
3. Putting the “Shutdown” button under the “Start” menu. The most logical choice! Reminds you that you have to start before you can stop. Deeply Philosophical.

That should convince all you Microsoft-haters out there. Answer me this: What has your precious Linux done for this world?

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