Every religion needs some basic tenets, which form the foundations of the principles of the religions. Based on this, the other stuff flows, mythology of the religion, the Gods (I’m thinking Angelina Jolie will be a uber-goddess) etc.. but I have to still figure this out. I do, however, have a draft of the 5 major tenets of Adityaism.

1. Rotating Gods and Goddesses
I’m thinking it is really important to have attractive Gods and Goddesses, since they must justify being worshiped. For example, I think Angelina Jolie will make a great Goddess, because she is just so easy on the eyes. However, if the Gods and Goddesses are given permanent status, then they might slack off, do some stupid things or just stop caring about themselves (case in point: Britney Spears), and then we’ll be in this embarrassing position of having a Goddess who’s in Jail or in Rehab.

To get around this, I think Gods and Goddesses will be initially appointed for a 2-year term, and their status will be subject to review and renewal at the end of the period. This should keep everyone on their toes and ensure that we don’t have any slacker Gods or Goddesses.

2. Flexible Vegetarianism
Most religions have a strong view of food – what is acceptable and not acceptable. Jains for example, are not allowed to eat roots, Hindus beef etc… I think this is too stringent, since it limits choice, but capitalism has comprehensively proven that more choice is always better. I mean just look at how many options we have for cell phone providers.

Dietary restrictions in Adityaism will follow a similar approach. Everyone will be required to be vegetarian, except when they feel like eating non-veg food. Acceptable reasons for someone to feel like eating non-veg food include (but not limited to): “It smells good“, “My friends are eating it“, “The restaurant is close by” and “I haven’t eaten non-veg all day“.

3. Dynamic Holidays
Religious holidays are awesome (actually all kinds of holidays are awesome), but they suffer from a fatal flaw. They’re based on I-don’t-know-what-calendar, which means several of them are wasted on weekends, overlapping holidays and random distribution across the year etc… Wouldn’t it be great if there was an all-religion-holiday-rationalization summit where everyone agreed to move around religious holidays so that we could get 4 continuous weeks off during the summer? However, since the big religions are not going to do that, Adityaism will solve the problem by creating dynamic holidays.

All holidays are required to be either on Mondays or Fridays to facilitate long weekends. No two holidays can overlap, and they must be distributed throughout the year such that any 4-week period has at least 1 holiday. Plus, followers of Adityaism will be able to declare holidays on-demand as per their convenience to overlap with certain sporting events (Hint! Hint!)

To be continued…

I don’t need to give you examples of how this works, I’m sure everyone of you has experienced it firsthand. But I’m going to complain about it anyway.

I remember the first time I was supposed to buy The Wife™ a gift. I can’t remember the occasion (it doesn’t matter anyway), but I was counselled to buy something that “shows how sensitive I am while simultaneously flattering her“.

I mean, what does that even mean?

Anyway, since it was my first time, I decided to give it a shot, and bought a nice looking dress. After I gave it to her, she made this “Oh, you dear, cute little fool” face, advising me that while she thought it was a cute gesture on my part to make an attempt to buy a gift, she couldn’t use it, since she “doesn’t wear pink, except when it is accompanied by purple, but only in a skirt”.

And then, she said something that has bothered me no end. It is that one phrase that simultaneously adds 7 layers of mystery to the whole process of gift buying, clouding the thought process more than my college professors’ explanation of Eisenstein’s theories.

“But it is the thought that counts!”

I’ve pondered for days over what that sentence could mean in the context of buying gifts, but it is hopeless. I’m sure even if the enlightened Buddha himself were to appear today and contemplate that sentence, he would be stumped.

But I decided to have a go anyway, since the alternative was a second humiliation. So, the next time an occasion that demanded a gift be bought rolled by, I decided to go “with the thought that counts”, and thought about buying a present.

Without actually buying it.

I mean, that’s the right way to do it, right? Right? RIGHT?

Worst. Decision. Ever.

The Wife™ was convinced that this was another one of my stunts to get out from doing some real work and buying a present, and she barraged me with accusations of being lazy, even managed to accuse my thought-only gift of being “thoughtless”.

At this point, most people will give up and fall into the routine of buying gold or platinum jewelery as the safest bet, but not a brave soul like me. I decided that I should give this one last go.

And so, the next time, when the gift-giving occasion came around, I was ready.

Me: “I have the best gift ever this time.”
Wife: “Really?”
Me: “Yup, it is the most thoughtful gift ever!”
Wife: “This better not be another of your scams”
Me: “Nopes, it is for real this time!”
Wife: “Well, lets see it!”
Me: “Aaha! See, my gift this time is so thoughtful, that not only did I think about it, but unlike last time, I have something to show for it, although you can’t physically see it!”
Wife: “…”
Me: “Here’s my gift: I thought about it, and I’ve decided to give you a Nickname!”
Wife: “Excuse me?”
Me: “That’s right! I’ve thought of a great nickname for you. Most Thought Full Gift Ever – Full of thought.”
Wife: “Nickname?”
Me: “Yup, and your nickname is … are you ready for it? … ‘BUBBLES!’ ”
Wife: “Bubbles? What does that mean?”
Me: “You know, bubbles… Like a real estate bubble, stock market bubble etc… Don’t you love it?”
Wife: “…”

Oh Yeah! You know your gift is the most wonderful ever, when it leaves the receiver totally stumped! I’d finally succeeded! Take that, evil empire of gift making corporations! Who’s laughing now?

I met Doctor Domnath (name changed to protect anonymity) 1 week into the course. As he was a real doctor (you know, the MBBS-MD kind, as opposed to the fake PhD kind), I had assumed that he’ll be those nose-in-the-book bookworm types who spends most of their time mugging books that are so thick that they can viably be used as attack weapons against terrorists. While this was largely true of Doctor Domnath, he also had a very unconventional trait that was very interesting: He was one of those “Super Networkers”.

What is a “Super-Networker”, you ask?

Simply defined, a super-networker is someone who wants to “network” with everybody. They feel like they have to get to know every single person that they come across. Most of them do this out of sheer curiosity, others in the hope that sometime in the uncertain future their “network” and “friend-of-a-friend” will help them out when they are in need of something. To a true super-networker, however, getting to know people is something that comes naturally, somewhat like snoring. They feel an irresistible urge to get to know anything that moves and many things that don’t, and they do it effortlessly, simply and delightedly.

Doctor Domnath was one of those true super-networkers. Let me explain with an illustration.

Doctor Domnath and I were walking towards our dining hall one evening, speculating about why it is socially unacceptable to send a life-sized carboard cut-out of yourself to a wedding that you don’t want to attend. At the dining hall, we are supposed to sign in, so that they can keep track of who’s eating what, and while we were doing that, I recieved a call on my cell. I answered the phone, and maybe spent 2-3 minutes explaining to the lady on the other end why they shouldn’t give me a credit card now that I was a student and had no income.

While I was chatting on the phone, Doctor Domnath had noticed that a lady was talking to the dining hall waiter in Bengali, which also happened to be his native language. That was enough to trigger the super-networking switch inside the doctor. He immediately swung into action.

He walked up to the two, and introduced himself. What followed in the next 2-3 minutes was sheer magic, the kind of thing that takes your breath away. Doctor Domnath managed to network with both the lady and the waiter simultaneously. He found out that the lady was the wife of a professor who taught on campus, and that the professor’s dad’s gardener had been his grandfather’s driver’s 2^nd cousin. He also established a connection with the waiter – His second wife’s uncle had been Doctor Domnath’s neighbor in his previous life.

Not only was Doctor Domnath’s ability to establish networks across languages, time, space, species and rebirths remarkable, he immediately managed to gain the trust of people as well. The Professor’s wife invited him to dinner the next day, and the waiter agreed to supply fresh fish to a restaurant Doctor Domnath was planning to set up 20 years from now.

I later complimented Doctor Domnath on how cool it is that he manages to remember all the people he meets and how well he maintains his networks. I asked him to teach me some of this skill, and he told me something very insightful. He said

“Teaching someone to network is like teaching a pig to sing. It wastes your time, annoys the pig, and in the end what you get is just a pig that wants to mud-wrestle other pigs.”

I didn’t really understand what that meant, but I guess that’s why I’m not a super-networker.

There. That should more or less explain why I’ve not posted in such a long time. However, it also means that I have lots of stories to tell. <evil smile>

ISB was a very enriching experience. It allowed me to broaden my horizons and study in detail the state of the art of management research, and has enabled me to leverage my strengths and to equip myself with the requisite understanding and knowledge of the tools, processes and frameworks of modern management science that allow for efficient administration of 21st century businesses.

ROTFL. Got you there, didn’t I?

As you can see, I’ve spent most of the year honing my Jargoneese skills. It was great fun being in the company of like-minded people, people who believe that God has given us only one mouth and two ears, so we need to talk twice as much as we listen to compensate.

For the duration of the course, which is a year, the Wife and I had come to an arrangement – She would work hard and earn money, and I would blow it away spend it reasonably on living expenses. I tried to convince her to extend this arrangement to a more permanent basis, but she refused. More on that some other time.

Back to the MBA: It was a very valuable learning lesson, and the 1 year added to my already vast knowledge-base. Some of the top new things I learned at B-school that immediately come to mind are:

1) Jargon Matters:
You know how the ancient roman army had “passwords”? Everyone in an army battalion would know what this secret pass-phrase was, and if you wanted to enter the camp, you had to say the password to prove you were one of them. The MBAs have a similar thing going on. Allow me to demonstrate:

MBA1: “How’re the reports coming along?”
Correct Answer: “We need to pull data from the excel pivot tables and perform conjoint analysis to leverage insights from intermediate business process frameworks and polish it on the powerpoint”.

Wrong Answer: “They’ll be done tomorrow!”

The wrong answer is wrong not just because it doesn’t have any jargon, but also because it shows a firm commitment, something which is a strict No No.

2) Networking matters:
They say that the most important thing you take away from B-School is your wide network of future industry leaders and captains. This is undoubtedly true. B-School is the one place that suffers from the all-leader-no-follower syndrome. Since everybody is a leader, the only things that are following are stray dogs, peacocks and the occasional mosquito. The mosquito might be following only because it wants to suck your blood, but that is besides the point.

The goal of the MBA, as far as I can decipher, is to do spectacularly smart and/or stupid things, so as to etch yourself permanently in the memory of the rest of the batch, so that later when you call them asking for favors, they remember who you are.

3) MBA students can consume unbelievable amounts of alcohol:
No explanation needed.

So there you have it. Over the coming days and weeks, I will reveal all the secrets of the much-hyped MBAs, everything and anything you’ve ever wanted to know. Watch this space!

Vases are lame…

But this store is nuts! They have 4 floors of random stuff that you can buy for your house. Most houses are 3, maybe 4 bedrooms at max, and I can’t imagine why you would want a 4-story 10,000 sq-feet shop dedicated to filling up your 1,500 sq-feet house. It doesn’t make any sense. There are rows after rows of vases, and I could have sworn that half of them looked like they were shipped straight from 5th century BC Indus valley – All broken and with worn off paint. But apparently all that is very fashionable these days.

Anyway, so we’re browsing the vast collection of crap in the store, and the wife is having trouble deciding what an appropriate gift should be.

Me: “How about this vase?”
Wife: “Too tacky.”
Me: “How about this steel-rod-thingy?”
Wife: “Too loud!”
Me: “How about this painting then?”
Wife: “Too wannabe”
… and so on …

After about half and hour of this, it was clear that the wife was not making any progress, in any direction. She was getting visibly agitated, and in a moment of weakness, she made a fatal mistake:

Wife: “What do you think we should get them?”

Aahaaa!!! She needs my opinion! Now is my chance to shine and prove my worth as an able gift-getter. All I needed was to come up with an idea that was thoughtful, useful, unique and would be fondly remembered.

Me: “I think we should get them a dustbin.”

History is witness to the many occasions where great, inspired ideas have been scoffed at and have been lost in the mists of time, simply because the elite intellectuals could not bring themselves to admit that an outsider had broken their code and had come up with an original idea that triumphed everything they knew. Here was an ordinary mortal, who, in a moment of divine inspiration, had come up with a deep insight, but the rest of the world was, unfortunately, not ready for his brilliance.

There was a stunned silence. The wife was giving me The Look^©. A few shoppers around us also overheard and gave me some dirty looks.

Me: “What? Its a great idea!”
Wife: “You want to get a newly married couple a dustbin?”
Me: “Yes! It’s a brilliant idea. Think about it. They have a new house, so they can always use more dustbins. No one else would have given them such a useful gift, so they’ll remember it. Plus, it shows that we really thoughtful in selecting a gift for them”
Wife: “You’re crazy. What does a gift like a dustbin say?”
Me: “It says: ‘Look, Life is full of crap. Marriage, even more so. You’ll need a place to dump all your crushed dreams and forgotten ambitions. So, the next time you’re throwing away crap, use this dust bin and think of us and how we’ve helped bring order to your otherwise chaotic life!’. I think its very original!”

…Dustbins are cool!

Even after making such a powerful and convincing argument for my original gift idea, the wife was not convinced. But since she couldn’t think of anything else to buy, and since we were almost out of time, she HAD to give in and we finally bought the dustbin.

I carried the dustbin over to the checkout counter, but the wife was walking 5 steps behind me. I wonder why. Anyway, I paid for it, and took it over to the gift-wrapping counter. “Gift wrap this, please. Use a fancy gift-paper”, I said, and collected my gift-wrapped dustbin from a sales girl who had a puzzled look on her face. She clearly didn’t see this as the defining moment in mankind’s gift-giving history that it was.

As we drove down to the restaurant where we were supposed to meet the newly-weds, I was very confident they would like it. After all, it was such a thoughtful, useful, unique and memorable gift. Who wouldn’t like it?

Today’s exam is Marketing. Marketing is one of those subjects where you never know what the hell is happening in class. We had a text book prescribed to us – The infamous Kotler, for those in the know – but on the first day of class, our prof said that he’d never liked the text book, and he recommended we NOT waste our time reading it.

The Prof saying the recommended text book is of no use. That’s new. I wish all of our Engineering Profs had come to this realization.

Even without a text book to do last-minute mugging from, the familiar exam-hall scene doesn’t disappoint. There are scores of people reading through some printouts and notes, trying desperately to grasp on to the subject – to get hold of something that sounds familiar, but no use. It’s like a drowning man in the middle of the sea, desperately splashing about trying to get hold of something to float on to, but finding nothing. And you all know what happens to the man next – He drowns into the vast ocean, which has euphemistically been called the ocean of knowledge. If you drown into an ocean, even if it is the one of knowledge, isn’t that a bad thing? ‘Cause you’re drowning for god’s sake! How can that be a good thing?

Anyway, we enter the exam hall. The Question Paper is sitting right in front of me. Everyone in the room is tensed, even more so because this is an open book exam. We’re allowed to bring in any textbook/notes/reference material into the exam, but all of us know what that means – The answers are not going to be in any text book. That makes matter worse.

“You may begin” the TA announces, and I gingerly open the exam booklet. ‘Please let me understand the first question. Please let me at least know what the question means’ – I utter my silent prayer to myself.

And then there it is – The first question. Just as I finish reading it, I feel the sudden juxtaposition of fear and humor. That feeling where you don’t know whether to laugh or to cry – to smile or to bang your head against the desk.

“How will you go about selling razor blades in Afghanistan? Discuss.”

The Prof wants us to sell razor blades in a country where beards are all the rage. And that too when a large percentage of the population has not brushed their teeth EVER, let alone heard of toothpaste. How am I supposed to sell razor blades to these bearded tribesmen? The best use they have for razor blades is probably to shave their sheep and goats. And I haven’t heard of goats trying to shave.

This is just awesome. I spend the next 10 minutes staring at the ceiling, because, well, there was nothing better to do.

Since I don’t want to leave the exam paper blank, I go to the extent of recommending selling razors to women – I had to write SOMETHING – to help penetrate the Afghan razor market. After the exam is over we all sit and discuss the paper. No one knows what’s going to come of it, but at the end of the day, it was fun.

I hope I get marks for my handwriting at least. Not because my handwriting is good, but because it is so bad that he won’t understand what’s written and give me the benefit of the doubt. That’s my only chance!

Anyway, as the discussion progressed, I made a very persuasive and passionate argument explaining my position. I think my argument was very logical and consistent, but the wife disagreed, and her exact words, I believe were: “You’re full of nonsense!!”

So here is where I need your help, faithful readers of my blog. My brilliant argument for buying BMWs is below. Read it, and tell me whether you agree with it or not! Make me proud!

Argument for buying fancy expensive cars:

We can generally agree that I am young and foolish. And young and foolish is the best time to buy expensive cars, because if I become old and wise by the time I buy a BMW, I will know better than to waste money on ostentatious display of automotive excess. If I gain wisdom before I gain a BMW, other priorities of life like owning a house, saving for retirement and children’s educations will take priority over my precious BMW. Therefore, it follows that the main priority of my life should be buying a BMW.

There is an advertisement for an insurance company, I think, that shows a young man wanting to spend money on himself, but doesn’t because he ends up thinking about his wife, his kids etc… You know what happens to that man at the end of the ad? He jumps into a river! I don’t know if he drowns or not, but the important thing is that he doesn’t get his Mercedes.

No one wants to drown in a river. Therefore, one must strive to buy a Mercedes as soon as one can to avoid a tragic end like the man from the advertisement.

So, my dear readers. Are you convinced? Is buying a BMW the sole purpose of life? Let me know in the comments!

But something weird happened this morning. On the road leading out of the IT area, there are only 2 lanes, and at the signal, the left lane usually turns left, and the folks in the right lane usually turn right. This morning, a cab driver was in the left lane, but was waiting for the traffic signal to take the right turn. Predictably, this piled up the traffic on the left lane causing plenty of honking.

Now this is not a new or novel scene in Bangalore at all, but what happened next was quite interesting. There was an auto driver behind this cab in the wrong lane, and he was getting increasingly frustrated, because he wanted to turn left, and this ass of a cab driver was blocking him. After 10 seconds of frustrating honking, the auto driver got out of his auto and went up to  the cab driver and started yelling at him.

An Auto Driver, yelling at a Cab driver. For being in the wrong lane. Can you imagine?

What is Bangalore coming to? Are we all getting so westernized that we now expect to drive in the correct lane? Are the Auto Drivers, the custodians of Bangalore’s roads, also coming under the corrupting influence of westernization? If the Auto Drivers don’t protect our culture and traditions of driving like drunk maniacs, who will? We must all rally against this moral degradation of our culture and wipe out these modern notions like lane discipline. THIS IS AGAINST OUR CULTURE!!!

But shopping is an inevitable exercise, even for me, so I have adapted some strategies to overcome the near-death-experience feeling I used to get when I went to shopper’s stop earlier.

The key is to think of shopping as a commando operation to strike deep into enemy territory. Just like how British spies didn’t like to spend more time than was necessary in Nazi Germany, I too want to minimize my exposure to departmental stores. There is a lot of planning involved ahead of time. I will usually create a mental map of the store, mark out all the places in the store that have the stuff I need, and plot a course through the store that hits all the targets and has a clear and fast exit strategy.

On the day of the assault, I come mentally prepared. I will also prep the wife for my shopping trip, warning her ahead of time not to get distracted by enemy installations that are scattered all around the store, which are designed to trap the weak mind. And once you are trapped in shoes-surrounded enemy territory, its the end for you. There is no way out.

The wife, however, deeply objects to my interpretation of shopping. She prefers to think of shopping trips as an excursion to a museum. The store has all this art work on display, and it is our duty to respect the artist and sample all the merchandise that has been presented.

As you’ve all probably guessed by now, these two strategies are deeply incompatible, and whenever the wife and I go shopping, we somehow end up in a situation where I think I’m about to be shot by an enemy sniper disguised as a perfume salesman, and the wife thinks she’s in deep philosophical discussion about human nature with Socrates disguised as the friendly fashion consultant at the store.

Anyway, I had a bit of an epiphany today when I saw a glimpse of what the wife did with her shopping strategy. She bought me a suit today, but the interesting thing is how she paid for it. Through a combination of discounts, a sale, store loyalty program, gift vouchers and credit-card points redemption, she bought the suit which was marked at Rs 7,000 WITHOUT PAYING ANY MONEY!!! That’s right, she effectively got it for free!

And since how much I like stuff depends inversely on how much it costs, I absolutely love my new suit!

So, since the last time we checked in with Chitradeep Chetty, he’s been off to the jungles of Bandipur several times and has photographed several tigers. He’s also been showing off these pictures, especially after some of them got published.

A couple of months ago, he invited me, the wife, and a group of other friends to go to his sasuraal (bandipur). He said it would be great, he could get us inside the forest and we could see tigers and other wildlife. It sounded interesting and off we went.

So we’re in the forest on a safari. The forest itself was actually quite beautiful. There were lots and lots of trees and flowers and branches and leaves… but no tigers. There were 8 of us, and after a while, we started getting impatient, and started chatting about the good old days. This upset Chitradeep.

Chitradeep: “Sshhh… guys. Don’t talk loudly in the jungle.”
Me: <in a hushed voice>: “Why?”
Chitradeep: <getting more annoyed, dripping with sarcasm>: “Because the tigers are talking on their phones and you are disturbing them. Huh!”
Me: “That’s absurd…. How are the tigers getting signal here, deep in the jungle?”

There was an awkward silence that followed, where everyone wanted to laugh, but Chitradeep was staring us down, and we settled for a hushed giggle.

We continued to wander in the jungle, and we occasionally saw some birds. And then we saw a big buffalo type thing. It looked just like the buffaloes you can see on the streets of Bangalore, but apparently this one was special, so we all respectfully nodded our appreciation. After a while, we went and waited by a watering hole, hoping that some wildlife will turn up.

We waited, but apparently the animals were not coming. We began to speculate why.
Me: “Why aren’t the elephants coming to drink?”
AJ: “They will come to drink after an hour.”
Me: “How do you know?”
AJ: “Happy hour starts then.”

More hushed giggles and more staring by Chitradeep.

We waited for some more time, and the elephants finally came. It was pretty cool. They were so big and majestic. Several of them, including 3 cute little baby elephants. They came to the water, hung around there for a while and socialized. (With each other, not with us.)

And then, they started to do something crazy. They started picking up mud and throwing it on themselves. Disgusting. That too just after washing themselves. The baby elephants were also rolling in the mud, covering themselves up with dirt.

Me: “That’s disgusting. Why are they doing that?”
Chitradeep: “They do it to protect themselves. The mud acts like a sunscreen to their skin.”
PR: “It doesn’t seem to be working. Look how dark their skin still is.”

More giggles and more staring by Chiradeep.

We started moving along the jungle track when suddenly the driver jammed on the brakes. He shut off the engine. Chitradeep Chetty turned back and motioned us to keep quite. Silence. Just the sounds of the jungle. Everyone is frozen in their seats. We’re all frantically looking around to see what we have run up against. Chitradeep Chetty gets out of the jeep gingerly. He’s stepping very carefully away from the Jeep. He turns back and motions us to come out the jeep slowly and without making noise. We walk up to him. Silence. He points his hand to the ground just around a bush. We peek our heads. And there it is.

Tiger droppings.

I’m like: “What the hell?” and Chitrdeep is all excited that he has seen tiger shit today. It’s like once in a week occurrence here in Bandipur, apparently. After excitingly starting at it for a while, we return back to the lodge, all the while Chitradeep is in high spirits, and as soon as we reach, he goes off to discuss today’s catch with his jungle-lodge buddies.

So, to summarize our trip: We came, we saw, and we smelt.

Anyhow, the trip was quite fun. We saw a few more animals, several peacocks and still more elephants. But no tigers or leopards. Chitradeep Chetty has assured us that the next time we come, he will make sure to schedule a meeting in the tiger’s calendars.

Update: Check out Chitradeep’s wildlife photos here, and judge for yourself if this is a scam!