Driving in Bangalore is an art that requires great skill and lots of preparation. There are basically three things that you need: (1) good brakes (2) A good, loud, screeching horn and (3) Good luck. You need (3) in especially large quantities, but if your good luck is particularly bad, don’t worry, I have some tips for you to make your driving experience in Bangalore a particularly pleasurable one. There are 3 phases to driving: Preparation, Driving and Inspection.

Preparation
Driving in Bangalore is the closest that you’ll get to a ZEN experience. In fact, it has been rumoured that ZEN masters of the old times are re-incarnated as cows and buffaloes and now live on the roads of Bangalore for this very reason. Before you can get into the ZEN state, you’ll need to make the following preparations:

Make sure that you have a list of expletives and swear words taped to your dashboard – They can be used in cases of emergencies – i.e., when no good swear word comes to your mind when you’re in the middle of a street argument. Also, make sure that you know how to use each of those words properly in a sentence. In fact, practice it right now on all the people around you.

The next step is the car inspection and preparation. Make sure that the side mirrors are opened. Side mirrors can be used as weapons to attack pedestrians that venture too close to your vehicle. Bonus points if you hit a pedestrian with the side mirror, and the mirror neatly folds inside. The pedestrian will then get confused as to what hit him, because it certainly wasn’t your mirror, since it’s folded inside.

Another thing to make sure is to see that all the stickers on the side and back of the car are intact. You need to have stickers like ‘GReddy’, ‘Ultimate Racing’, ‘NOX’ and ‘Ferrari’ pasted on the side and back of the car. Having these stickers gives you super powers – like the ability to ignore common sense and drive recklessly – that are very powerful and undoubtedly useful.

Driving
Once you are sitting behind the wheel, you have to approach driving like a video game – The goal is not to get to your destination safely, but to see how many people you can overtake on the roads. You get 10 points for every car you overtake, 20 for every 2-wheeler and auto rickshaw, and 50 points for every bus and truck. Bonus points if you continuously honk while overtaking.

I can already hear the skeptics asking “What is the point of overtaking if you are just going to reach the next signal and wait there anyway?”. Good question, I say, but logic and reason have no place in the art of driving. It’s like asking “Why does Rakhi Sawant wear short clothes?”. To ask such a question is to miss the point entirely.

Sooner or later, you are going to hit other vehicles, pedestrians and/or cows while you are driving. When this happens, you have to use the vocabulary that you have taped to your dashboard. You get extra combo points if you stop your car in the middle of the road and argue. Also, style points for use of multiple expletives in the same sentence.

But there is a caveat here. Make sure your list of expletives is up-to-date. There’s nothing embarrassing as using an out-dated or out-of-fashion swear word. For example, it used to be fashionable to use the word “Hajam” on Bangalore’s roads a while ago, but not anymore. As a side note, ‘hajam’ means ‘barber’ in the native tongue, which makes you wonder where these so-called explicitves come from. I have a very interesting theory about this, but I’ll save that for some other time. Anyway, the standard rule is to fight the verbal duel for about 15 minutes, and then continue on your journey. Of course, arguing with strangers on the street is absolutely pointless because it doesn’t reverse the damage caused by the impact, but this argument is going into the domain of logic and reason – something we don’t like.

Inspection
Once you have successfully completed your journey and arrived at your destination, it is time to do the post-drive inspection. Make sure all the tyres are still on, because pedestrians and sometimes cows have the habit of stealing these when you are engrossed in arguing with strangers. Also check to see if all your passengers have arrived with you – They have a tendency to get lost. And last, but not the least, inspect your rear and front bumpers to see if there are any cats/street dogs/pedestrians you might have accidentally dragged with you. If there are, place them outside on the road again, so they may catch the next bumper to their destination.

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The Times of India is reporting today that Shatrugan Sinha is saying that Rakhi Sawant, my favorite actress of all time, deserves the Bharat Ratna. Not kidding. Check this out!

Let me be the first to congratulate The Times of India and Shatrughan Sinha on this brilliant insight! If there was a true candidate that truely deserved the Bharat Ratna, it is Rakhi Sawant!

Rakhi Sawant deserves this award for several reasons. Firstly, Rakhi Sawant has fought crime in epic proportions. Allow me to explain:
Rakhi Sawant’s sizzling hot dance numbers are a strong attraction to vast young crowds. So, young crowds are sitting in theaters, watching Rakhi Sawant do her item numbers. And this means that they are not out on the streets causing trouble and committing crimes. Not only that, by keeping people in the theaters, she has also helped reduce incidences of domestic violence because, as we already saw, most drunk people that would otherwise cause violence at homes are sitting in the theatre. Not many people can claim to have such a dramatic impact on society. But for Rakhi Sawant, this is just another day at work!

Also, it is a very little known fact that Rakhi Sawant has fought valiantly against Global Warming. That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen! Rakhi Sawant has taken the lead in reducing Global Warming by shedding off most of her clothes. Instead of wearing those head-to-toe garments that absorb all the sun’s rays heating up the planet, Rakhi Sawant has courageously chosen to wear less of these high-carbon-footprint and global-warming-creating clothes. This means that she has an increased surface area of skin exposed to the sun, and, as we all know, the skin reflects most of the heat from the sun back into space. And so, Rakhi Sawant has set a brilliant example for all of us to follow to help save our Planet. Scientists estimate* that Rakhi Sawant alone has managed to reduce Global Temperatures by 1-2 degrees by exposing! Even Al Gore has not done so much for Our Mother Earth!

And lastly, but most importantly, the award, by it’s very name, suggests automatically the name of Rakhi Sawant. The “Bharat Ratna” can be roughly translated into “Indian Jewel”, and a Jewel is really any precious stone, or, more generally a precious “item” .
Therefore, Ratna = Item …..Equation (1)
Bharat means India, and India is really famous for Bollywood.
Therefore, Bharat = Bollywood …………. Equation (2)

Combining Equations (1) and (2), we get Bharat Ratna = Bollywood Item Girl, which as we all know, the the one-and-only Rakhi Sawant. Therefore, Rakhi Sawant deserves the Bharat Ratna.

Hence Proved.

*I totally made that up. But you’re probably not going to read this fine print and buy the argument. But seeing as you’re reading this, I have some advice for you: Stop being so skeptical, and start believing in scientific-sounding statistics, for gods sake. It makes everyone’s life that much easier!

• 15 Comments

Since I’ve been writing Aditya’s Advice Column, you (the readers) have been asking the questions and I’ve been giving the answers. But not today. Today, I’m asking a question, and I want you, the readers, to give me some gyaan about it. The person that gives the best answer wins a secret prize! So don’t wait. Leave your answers as comments!

Q: I’m really bad at remembering birthdays of folks (I have no trouble remembering my own b’day, though). So I met this friend today, and I’m am generally chatting with him. I suspect that it is his birthday, but don’t know how for sure. If I ask him if it is his birthday today, then I’ll come out as a jerk . If I don’t ask, and if it is indeed his birthday, then I’ll come out as jerk again, for not wishing him “happy birthday”. What should I do?

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It’s time again for Aditya’s Advice Column

Q: I’m a feminist, and a very passionate one that that. But there is this guy at work that keeps arguing pointlessly about feminism with me. He doesn’t have anything positive to say, and I think he’s arguing just for the fun of it. Is it OK if I use my Karate skills and kick this guy?
- Ghayal

A: I completely understand your frustration, Ghayal. I’ve known guys like that. But you know what? People that argue pointlessly are often the ones that have the greatest wisdom. Pointless Wanderings, as I’m sure you know, are the contained in the Principles of the Japanese art of Zen. The ancient Indian texts also refer to Pointless Wanderings extensively – Also known as “meditation” to the common man. So I urge you to look deeply at this person’s ramblings, go to a mountain top and meditate on what they mean.

Also, I understand your urge to use your 2 violent skills – Feminism and Karate – together. I would direct your energy towards Sanjay Leela Bansali, who has managed to make several anti-feminist movies. “How” you ask? Have you noticed that SLB’s movie titles are all Male sounding?

“Saawariyaa“, and not “Saawariyee“. “Devdas“, and not “Devdasi“. “Black“, and not “Pink“. If anyone deserves the kick, it’s Sanjay Leela Bansali. Best of luck with that. Let me know how it goes.

Q: I’m in my final year of Engineering, and we have our placements coming up soon. With the recession and all happening, everyone is saying that it’s going to be a tough year for placements. What should I do to maximize my chances during the interview?
- K

A: Getting prepared for interviews is one of those very important life-skills that colleges ignore to teach the students – along with kite-flying, jargoneese-speaking and back-calculations. Fortunately, I can give you some interview tips:

Always be prepared for answers to common questions. One of my friends, Uddwal, was an expert at interviewing. Check out his answers, they may be helpful to you.

Interviewer: So, why do you want this job?
Uddwal: Oh, I don’t really want this job. This job is my backup. But thanks for asking, anyway.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
Uddwal: My friend and I plan to become Tobacco farmers. I want to do timepass in your company till then. I heard you have a snooker table?

Interviewer: And finally, Do you have any questions for me?
Uddwal: Yes. How many interviewers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Interviewer: Excuse Me?
Uddwal: Only one, but he’s going to ask the candidate to do it, because the interviewer doesn’t know the answer himself. Hehohehehoahaharharhar!

Q: I’m the big boss of a largish software company that makes operating systems and such things. I’m retiring later this year, and I have a bunch of money stashed up that I don’t know what to do with. I’m thinking I’ll give it away to charity. What do you think?
- Bill G

A: Hi Bill! I think it’s a bad idea to give away your tiny little savings to charity. What will you eat after you retire? But if you feel strongly about it, you can go ahead and give it to charity.

But before you do, you should ask which group of people deserves the money the most? I think the answer is Bloggers. Yes, these are the under-previleged group that lives on the streets of the internet, leading miserably lives, trying to get by on the daily laughs that they get on their blogs. Nobody cares about their plight. They need the money the most. Especially young Bloggers, say in the 25ish age group whose names start with an ‘A’? If you donate money to this very charitable cause, you will automatically get a ticket to heaven, and that too business class! What a good deal, no?

So do your soul a good deed and donate the money. Send me an email if you need specific details (like bank account numbers and such).

If you’d like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept confidential.

• 9 Comments

There have been some dramatic events happening in the stock markets recently. The papers are full of news like “Sensex sees largest fall” and similar things that don’t make sense. And so, I’ve applied my higher powers of reasoning to figure out just what is going on. For your benefit, here’s a short FAQ on the stock market.

Q: What is this SENSEX business?
A: SENSEX is short for SENSeless EXperience. It summarizes what that stock brokers and investors feel when they are trading. Trading in the stock market is like putting a rabbit on a roller coaster. It just goes round and round and upside down, and the rabbit has no idea whatsoever of just what the hell is happening. But that doesn’t stop the rabbit from enjoying the whole experience.

Q: OK, then why is this SENSEX thing falling?
A: This is really a huge cover up by the government. If you ask the regular media, they’ll tell you some weird reasons like the “sub-prime crisis” or “credit market squeeze” or some random thing like that, but let me tell you, all that stuff is not true. The real reason the SENSEX is falling is something else. It’s falling because of an ancient egyptian mummy curse.

That’s right folks, you heard it here first. The Ancient Mummies were not very big fans of the stock markets. We know this because they built pyramids, and as everyone knows, you can’t trade in a pyramid scheme. It’s illegal. Anyway, so they cursed all the stock markets, and here’s the actual curse: (Translated)

A thousand moons from now, beyond hell’s stairs,
The world will be ruled by the bulls and the bears!
By the power of the sun, I put upon them this curse,
May their stupid stock market one day go in reverse!

And that’s the reason the stock markets are falling.

Q: Is that a bad thing? Does this mean there is a recession? All the stock markets worldwide are falling!
No, not all the markets are falling, only the ones in the Northern Hemisphere.

Everyone knows that stock market movements are cyclical – They go up and down. Much like the seasons – When it’s summer in the Northern Hemisphere, it’s actually winter in the Southern Hemisphere. It’s the same with the stock markets. The Northern Hemisphere is experiencing a recession, but the Southern Hemisphere is all booming. Soon, the boom will return to the Northern Hemisphere (because of the earth’s revolution), and everything will be fine once again.

But what about till then? Am I going to get laid off?
Yes, you’re going to get laid off. Because you’re reading this blog instead of working.

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Have you noticed how everyone seems to “Want to get out of the city and reconnect with nature” these days? It’s almost like a fad. People keep saying how they went to this-or-that forest and how beautiful it was. I’m not really a “nature” type person. I LOVE living in the city and hate to get out of civilization. But I am alarmed at having found NOT ONE person that agrees with my view. It seems everyone is a “nature lover”. And so, to correct all your misconceptions, I want to show you why it’s a bad idea to go out and better to stay in.

The ‘You need to relax and connect to nature‘ Argument

People are always telling me this. I don’t get it. Why do I need to connect to nature? I mean, I’m always connected to the phone network and my email, how can nature be better? Plus, there are so many dangerous things out there.

Suppose you are out camping, enjoying the bonfire and the peace and quite. And then, suddenly, a Mad Hyena attacks you. What are you going to do? Tell Me? TELL ME! No camping enthusiast has ever satisfactorily answered this question, EVER! There is also the risk of snakes, leeches, ghosts and godzilla. Why would anyone take such a big risk just so that they can go out and camp?

Besides, you can relax in the city. Just head out to the nearest video game arcade, and you can relax all day if you want. Plus, all the hyenas in the video games can’t jump out AND you have a gun in the video game and you can shoot anything you like. Now that’s true relaxation!

The ‘Pollution is bad, get out and smell the fresh air‘ argument

People tell me that they want to get away from the City “To get away from the poisonous pollution”. Everybody has a misconception that Pollution is dangerous and all that nonsense. Let me present to you the correct side of the argument:

Pollution is good. I can think of several beneficial uses for pollution. Firstly, it drives away all the pesky crows, pigeons, sparrows and bees away from the city so that we don’t have to endure their droppings. Secondly, they say inhaling pollution is like smoking a pack of cigarettes. Isn’t that great? You get to experience all the fun that is smoking without all the problems like Lung Cancer and all.

The “You need nature to receive enlightenment and inner peace” argument
All the false propaganda spread by these “naturist” says that you really need to be amidst nature to experience bliss. And to that, I say ‘Bah! What Bull!‘. You can experience enlightenment and inner peace right here in the city. Getting up early to beat traffic, getting cheated by tampered auto meters, fighting and swearing at strangers! Such a wide array of emotions and excitement! Also, spending hours stuck in traffic gives you so much time to meditate. It’s a great deal, I say!

Also, there is “inner peace”. Everyone knows that inner peace can be easily obtained by going shopping to the nearest shopping mall and buying things that you don’t really need. You can even get bonus inner peace if there’s a sale going on. Every weekend is an opportunity for inner peace! I’ll bet if Buddha was born in today’s age and he chose a city to meditate in, he’d get enlightenment 10 years early!

In conclusion, let me just ask this: Why would anyone expose themselves to the rain, cold, predators and mad hyenas when they can sit inside a 10×10 room with one window? Plus, you can watch TV and Rakhi Sawant if you’re in the city. What are you going to watch when you’re camping? The stars?

• 11 Comments

Doesn’t it seem like whenever the Indian cricket team visits Australia, there is some controversy or the other. The latest one, this time, is the really bad umpiring. I mean, how can the umpiring be so stupid? The ICC has to get up and take notice. And as usual, the ICC is out of ideas, so it’s up to me to come up with some solution to the bad umpiring problem. In fact, I’ve come up with three!

(1) The “Gabbar Singh” solution
This solution is called so because it is inspired by the classic Bollywood “Sholay” movie. This movie has solutions to all the world’s problems, but that’s another blog post. The solution is to keep as hostage, something the 2 umpires hold dear to them – Maybe their ugly-white-hats. The solution also requires the umpires to be renamed as “Thakurs“.

You can see that this solution works: When the bowlers appeal, instead of saying the ridiculous “Hooowwwzaaaaattttttaaaaaa???????“, they’ll use the more elegant “Yeh Wicket Hame De De Thakur!“. At this point, several Basantis run out to the center and start singing and dancing. If the umpire then refuses to give the batsman out, the bowling team repeats “Yeeeh Wiickkeett Hammee DE DE THAAAKURRR!!!” to increase the intensity. If the umpire still says “Naaahiinnnn….“, the bowling team then sacrifices the hat by cutting off it’s sides. Imagine the consternation of the umpires at having to wear hats with no sides! I’m convinced that this fear will lead to better umpiring standards. The Basantis are strictly for entertainment purposes, which, in my opinion, is entirely missing in cricket today, especially in those 5-day versions.

(2) The “8-year-old” solution.
This is my favorite solution, because I think it is, by far, the most effective. The rules of cricket will be changed slightly – The bowling team will supply the bats and the batting team will supply the balls. The game proceeds normally, until the point where there is a controversial decision. If either party is not satisfied with the decision, they can snatch the bat/ball from the opposing team and walk away crying. The crying is important, because it adds a certain drama. A vast majority of the “saas-bahu-watching” crowd seems to enjoy it a lot.

I have personally been at the wrong end of this situation several times, and I can assure you that this opens up several avenues for negotiation between the playing teams. This will, no doubt, work well. In fact, we can get rid of the umpires altogether!

(3) The “Road Runner” solution
This solution is inspired by the ever green cartoon. The solution is simple – We’ll place a 200 Ton steel ball on top of both the umpires, suspended by a thin thread, and a knife ready to cut it. The control to this knife will be hooked up to the stadium audience.

When an appeal is made to the umpires, the crowd will monitor the decision carefully. If the umpire then refuses to act according to the crowd’s wishes, they’ll all yell the secret code-word : “OOoaaaaaoooo“. When this happens, the giant steel ball falls on the umpire’s heads. This will surely control the bad umpiring, because no one wants to annoy the bad and evil crowds. Besides, it’ll also provide some entertainment to the crowds when the steel ball falls.

As you can see, all my solutions work well and also provide additional entertainment. This is always a good thing. ICC, are you listening?

• 10 Comments