There comes a time in every married man’s life that he is faced with the difficult prospect of having to cut tomatoes. If you have had any experience with vegetables, you’ll know it is a painful and difficult experience. I’m sure making someone cut violates some fundamental human rights, but I’ve not been able to find the relevant law yet. I’m still working on it.

In the meanwhile, I’ve come up with some innovative strategies that I’ve been using over the past few months to avoid getting assigned any work, especially cutting tomatoes. I call these strategies Pretty Effective Tomato Avoidance or PETA.

Strategy #1: The preemptive denial
The preemptive denial is a very effective strategy, but it needs to be executed very delicately. The core of this strategy is to avoid getting assigned the cutting of tomatoes in the first place by making oneself seemingly unavailable. And for this strategy, I must extend my most sincere thanks to Mr. Lalit Modi for creating the Indian Premier League matches. You see, the IPL matches are all highly optimized for PETA (Pretty Effective Tomato Avoidance). All matches are in the evenings, exactly during cooking time, the time when you are most likely to get assigned tomato duty.

Here’s an illustration of how to use this strategy:
Pretend to be deeply engrossed in the match while simultaneously keeping an eye on the tomatoes.
As soon as the Wife approaches the Tomatoes and is about to say “Can you please….” scream like this:
“WOOOHOOOO!!! Hohooo!!! WHAT A SIX! This McCullum dude is awesome! Did you see how he hit through the line by picking the ball of the bowlers hand and turned his wrists along with the anticipated spin on the up? Too much….”

It is important that you use the appropriate cricketing jargon so as to make it convincing that you are really engrossed in the match. If you don’t time it right, then this will happen:
Wife: “Can you please cut the tomatoes?”
If you forget to scream at this point, or if the wife completes her sentence, you will have to respond
You: “The Tomatoes? OK, I guess…”
GAME OVER.

Strategy #2: The negative learning variations
This strategy has existed for a very long time and is already widely practiced, but I have come up with some innovations of my own here. Basically, the strategy involves doing such a bad job that you don’t get asked to do it again. But this is not as easy as it seems. You have to be quite thorough and meticulous in doing the bad job. You have to do a good bad job, otherwise it won’t be bad enough and the tomatoes will come back again the next time.

To do a really effective and efficient bad job, you foremost need to have a calm mind and think clearly. The first strategy involves taking the Tomatoes, and saying that you just saw an amateur jugglery show on TV and have learnt how to juggle. You then take a few tomatoes and throw them into the air, and let them fall and generally make a mess. Bonus points if the tomatoes fall on the sofa, because if that happens, you won’t be allowed anywhere near a tomato for several years. Mission accomplished.

Another useful variant is to say that you saw a show on Discovery Channel that showed how to properly cut tomatoes using a food processor. Now, if you try to cut tomatoes using a food processor, it makes a royal mess (and some tomato soup, but no cut tomatoes). Don’t ask me how I learnt that you can’t cut tomatoes using a food processor. Anyway, when it is realized that you’ve made a mess, then you won’t be asked to do it again. Success!

Strategy #3: Gross incompetence strategy.
This is actually an extreme version of Strategy #2. In #2, you demonstrated that you can’t be trusted with tomatoes, but this strategy takes it to the next level by demonstrating that you can’t understand instructions. You have to act and behave like a complete idiot. Again, this is not as easy as it seems, and it takes a lot of will power and discipline, although it comes naturally to some people like me.

According to this strategy, when you are asked to cut tomatoes, walk up to the fridge and take out some cabbage. Then proceed to cut it. Experienced foodies will immediately realize at this point that cabbage and tomatoes are not very substitutable, and that annoys the hell out of the person in charge of the cooking. So much that they will do the cutting of the tomatoes themselves.

Another way this can be accomplished is to do the following. When you are asked to cut tomatoes, run down to the local grocery shop and buy 2 Kgs of tomatoes. Now you have twice as many tomatoes, and none of them are cut, increasing the ratio of uncut tomatoes substantially. It is my repeatable experience that this almost certainly leads to you not being asked to do ANYTHING again, which is really the jackpot.

Now that you’ve learnt all the PETA tactics, go ahead and use them. I wish all of you a tomato-cutting-free life!

• 13 Comments

Some people think that arguing is pointless and it is not “constructive”, but I beg to disagree. Firstly, there is that incredible entertainment value, which I think is very under-represented. Then, if you are arguing about a sensitive topic with someone who holds their opinion dearly, there is this sheer joy of annoying, then frustrating, then angering the person you are arguing with. Seeing them go through this progressions is one of the few best things of like that are still free. Arguing is a skill, and today I will teach you the most important points.

Be Condescending
Being condescending is the best way to push your opponent from frustration into anger. Effective body language is the key here. One of the most efficient techniques I’ve seen is to yawn with your mouth open wide. You have to get the timing right - Break into the yawn just as the opponent is making an emphatic point. Another technique to use is to tilt your head and let it rest on your hand - As if you’ll fall into sleep if the opponent makes one more boring point.

The above two techniques are what I call “Passive Condescendence“, where you passively show how disinterested you are. The second type, called “Active Condescendence” is also very useful. Here, you want to trivialize your opponents’ statements and rubbish them. Example:

Victim: “… and so, if we have to do something to stop global warming, or we’re all going to die!”
You: “We have to do something about your squeaky nasal voice first, or I’m going to go deaf!”

Victim: “…and that’s why education is so important to one’s life.”
You: “How can you make such a stupid statement? You must be “educated”. Hahaha!”

Use rhymes and “profoundities”
You’ll think I’m kidding, but using rhyming constructs adds a lot of force to your argument. “Might makes Right!” has a certain sound to it that makes everyone feel like it’s true.  Also “No Pain, No Gain” sounds more true than it really is. Using a rhyming first syllable also helps: “Mind over Matter!”, “Hire and Fire”. Using such phrases can make it sound like you know more than you do.

Another trick is to use “profoundities“. Notice that this is using profound statements, not the same as “profanities” (Well, you can use profanities as well, and it sometimes helps to speed up the argument to its logical conclusion - A fist fight). For example, anything said in Latin sounds Profound like “in vino veritas” (”there is truth in wine”) sounds much more convincing than when said in colloquial form: “I want more booze”. This actually goes for any classical language. Anything said in Sanskrit also sounds more convincing - “Tawa Murkham Asi” sounds much more convincing than “You’re an idiot”

When cornered, challenge all assumptions
Occasionally, you’ll find yourself cornered by a logical argument that you can’t get out of. That’s only a problem if you believe in logic. (Believing in logic, by the way, is optional) If you find yourself in this situation, you can have some extra fun by denying all assumptions. Be careful when you do this, however, because in my experience the next step after this is usually flying projectiles that can cause bodily harm. Denying assumptions is easy, philosophers have been doing it for years! Example:

Victim: “…And so our impact on the environment is real”
You: “What is real? It’s just signals your nervous system is sending to your brain. Your brain is creating the reality, which means reality is in your head. That’s another way of saying reality is just your imagination”

Einstein: “…and that’s why the earth revolves around the sun”
You: “Or, it could be an illusion created by the curvature of space-time according to the theory of relativity. Seriously, Einstein, you should read up on this stuff.”

You can tell that I’ve thought about this very deeply. I get a lot of time to think about these strategies when the wife kicks me out of the house for using them on her. That’s also, incidentally, when I write most of my blog posts.

• 4 Comments

Living in a house inevitably means that you’ll have some share of the household chores assigned to you. The situation is particularly bad if you are lazy, and even worse when you are a follower of Adityaism, which requires you to NOT do work. But fortunately, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of the counter measures we can use to avoid doing any work around the household. Here are some very useful tips:

1) Ask a lot of questions
Asking a lot of questions is a good strategy to use when you are assigned some new work. The person that has assigned the work to you is probably using the common misconception that “Give a man a fish, he’s happy for a day. Teach him how to fish, he’s happy for life”.

This saying is obviously not true, because if it were, we’d all be fishermen. Clearly, we are not. Therefore, it can’t be true. Quite simple.

But sometimes, your opponent doesn’t believe in logic, and can’t be convinced with the above logically correct argument, so you have to use a different strategy. You have to make your opponent so frustrated with questions, that they should think “I’d rather give him the fish!”. Example:

Wife: “Can you cut some Tomatoes and Onions, please?”
Me: “OK. How do I cut them?”
W: “Well, with a knife of course.”
Me: “Do I have to use a chopping board?”
W: “Of course!”
Me: “What if I cut myself?”
W: “You’re not going to cut yourself.”
Me: “Do we have emergency bandaid, just in case? Besides, it’s pretty late. Do you think the hospital will e open?”
W: “Just cut the Tomatoes, OK?”
Me: “I think we should call the hospital and ask if they’re open.”

… and so on, until your opponent cuts the Tomatoes.

2) Argue
This technique is a variant of the first one, only more aggressive. Use this technique when the first one doesn’t work, and you are cornered. The difference is, this time you have to push the opponent into a state of frustration. This works best if you counter every question with another question. Example:

Wife: “Can you cut some Tomatoes and Onions, please?”
Me: “Why?”
W: “So that you get Sambar to eat tonight, that’s why!”
Me: “Can’t you just use the food processor? Why do I have to cut it?”
W: “Because the food processor doesn’t cut it into small pieces”
Me: “How am I going to cut it into small pieces?”
W: “Do I have to tell you EVERYTHING?!? Start with a horizontal cut and then slice it”
Me: “Are you sure that’s the proper way? I read somewhere that cutting tomatoes causes it to loose important vitamins.”
W: “JUST CUT THE TOMATOES!!!”
Me: “I think I’m going to look up Wikipedia for “How to cut a tomato”. I’ll be right back.
W: “AAAARRGGGGGHHHHH!!!”

3) Reverse Psychology
This is a dangerous technique, but if you can pull it off, it is very effective. The idea is to get your opponent to feel extreme sympathy and pity for you. Bonus points if you push your opponent into a guilty feeling. An easy way to do this is to make it seem that you are doing something super-important, something that matters more to the universe than the chore. The trick to achieving this state is proper body language - That means cute puppy eyes and a voice that seems like you’re almost going to cry. Example:

Wife: “Can you cut some Tomatoes and Onions, please?”
Me: “Um? I was just going to call our broker and talk about our investments.”
W: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s tax season, and we need to make the proper investments and save for our future.”
W: “That’s true.”
Me: “Have you finished your tax planning under section 80CCC and applied for Premium Deductions on your IT declaration?”
W: “Uh… Huh… Hmm… Err… What does that… I don’t know…”
Me: (deep sigh) “OK, I’ll take a look tomorrow. Do I have to do everything? Aren’t you worried about our future together? Isn’t our financial security and independence important to you?” *sniff* deep sigh…..

… and you’re done. Your opponent won’t bother you for 2 days after this.

Do you have any more techniques?

• 20 Comments

One of the great undervalued skills of life in the 21st Century is the ability to disguise insults. Swearing and cursing to someone’s face is quite easy, but often produces counter-effects (i.e., you’ll get beaten up). If you’re an expert at disguising your insults, your victim will spend several agonizing hours deciding whether what you said was meant as an insult. A very subtle, but brutal form of torture. It’s a lost art these days. But don’t worry, I’m going to help you out with this skill.

1) Use Subliminal Messages
Using this technique requires fine timing. The idea is to blurt out the insult directly, but have a “cover-up” word ready, so that if the victim suspects that you’ve insulted him, you can use the “cover-up” word to get out of the situation.

Example:

The wife has been trying to get me to exercise, but without much luck. So, one day, as I’m going to office:
Me: “Bye bye, I’m off to office”
Wife: “Bye bye, Fatty!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Wife: “Smarty! I said Smarty! You know, because you’re so ‘Smart‘ “
Me: “Hmmm…..”

I spend the next hour trying to figure out whether she really called me fatty. This technique is very powerful, especially if you want to effect emotion trauma along with your insults.

2) Use ambiguous interpretations
Fortunately for us, the English language is full of confusing words whose meanings can be twisted to fit the situation. Some would call this a “bug” with the language, but I say it’s a valuable “feature” of the English language.

Example:

If your GF has just cooked you a meal that you’ve struggled to push down your throat. You have to say something, but not insulting.
GF: “Did you like the Mushroom Risotto with White Sauce? I got the recipe from this new book I bought”
Wrong Answer: “If I had an imaginary Donkey, and if the imaginary donkey hadn’t eaten for 23 days, even then that donkey wouldn’t eat this.”
Right Answer: “It was truly Insipid. Inspiration is a key ingredient.”

With some luck, your GF will think the first ‘Insipid‘ was really ‘Inspired‘. It won’t hit her till later that you said Insipid, but that’ll give you enough time to escape.

3) Complimentary Insults
This is a delicate technique, but with some practice, you can master it. The idea is to use to words next to each other, one complimentary and the other an insult. Your victim will focus on the compliment first, and only later realize that it was really an insult. Works most effectively on people who talk a lot, because they’re eager to acknowledge the compliment part, and their brains don’t process the insult part until later. It’s like how cows chew the cud.

Example:

Your Boyfriend is singing the ‘Aaja Re….Aaja O mere Dilbar aa jaa…’ song. He’s trying to do his ‘haunted‘ voice, but it’s more like the hunted voice. At the end of the song:

BF: “How did you like my voice?”
Wrong Answer: “All the dead ghosts that were haunting this place died once more after hearing that.”
Right Answer: “It was Spectacularly Tragic! What a voice!”

You have to put the emphasis on ‘Spectacularly‘, so that your victim thinks the ‘tragic‘ you’re talking about was the pain and emotion in the song. He’ll only later figure out that what it really means is that it was such a tragedy that you had to listen to it.

Now that you are an expert at disguising insults, go ahead and try them out. The whole world is your playground.

• 6 Comments

Chitradeep Chetty has lived a very colorful life, and we can all benefit significantly by studying his style. I have been doing it myself for the last few years. One of the many things Chitradeep excels at is knowing exactly what women want. And so, Chitradeep returns today to share his enormous wisdom with us:

——————————–

Knowing what women want is a very tricky thing, but there are some secrets to it that are gauranteed to make you score with the women! Today, I will teach you the 3 most important tricks that you can use to impress them.

1) Make them ask you questions.

This is probably the most important, since it opens communication with them and gets them interested in you. The Trick is to get them to ask question, but you have to guide the conversation.

Example:

Chitradeep: “What deo do you use?”
Girl: “EXCUSE ME?” (First question)
Chitradeep: “I use Narsingh Deo!”
Girl: “What?” (Second question. We’re making good progress!)
Chitradeep: “Haha…That’s the author of our ‘Graph Theory’ textbook. Haha… Did you get it? Hahaha…”
Girl: “Are you always this weird or only around pretty girls?” (Third Question in a row! SCORE!!!)

2) Showcase all your knowledge and achievements.

This is the trick to making yourself appear cool. The more you know, the more smarter you are, obviously. Show them how much you know about everything and impress them thoroughly. Never miss an opportunity to display your enormous textbook-knowledge.

Example:

Chitradeep: “Do you want to go and get some Coffee?”
Girl: “Sure!”
(Start walking towards the Coffee Shop. Here’s an oppurtunity to make conversation…)
Chitradeep: “So, did you know that a cup of Coffee has 350 calories? That’s the same as 100g of PURE FAT!”
Girl: “Eewww…..”
Chitradeep: “Yeah! But accumulating fat is good! It comes in handy if you are starving to death.”
Girl: “Why would I be starving to death?”
Chitradeep: “Well, after the Nuclear war, only Cockroaches will survive. But eating mutated killer monster cockroaches might be difficult. That’s when I’m going to use all MY FAT!“
Girl: “Oh! I just remembered something. I have to pick up my cat from the airport. Gotta go! Tata!”
Chitradeep: “Sure! We’ll have coffee some other time!”

I showed off how much I knew about Coffee and Cockroaches, and didn’t even have to spend money on Coffee! SCORE!!!!

3) Treat women with respect and dignity

The 21st century women doesn’t need to be patronized. It is important that you treat them with respect and love and dignity. Show them that you believe in equal opportunity for women.

Example:

Take her out to a nice Dinner, and when the bill arrives:

Chitradeep: “I insist you pay half the amount. I believe in equality for everyone!”
Girl: “Hmmmm…..Well, OK”
Chitradeep: “Yeah. Besides, you ate more than me. It’s only fair. I completely believe in fairness!”
The Girl has a surprised look on her face at this point, but that is normal. She’s surprised by what a nice guy you are.
Chitradeep: “Also, Can you take an auto back home? I’d drop you, but my house is in the other direction, and I don’t want to waste petrol and damage the environment”
Girl: “Bye bye!”
Chitradeep: “I’ll call you!”

SCORE!!!

• 8 Comments

Appearing to be smart is actually more important than being smart itself, because if you are really smart, then you have to do stuff like study Physics and write books. But if you are only pretending to be smart, you get all the benefits, without any of the downside. It’s a good deal, trust me. I’ve been doing this for 25 years now, so I can claim to be somewhat of an expert.

Here are some of my tips to make you appear smart:

1. Use words that sound familiar.

It is a common misconception that you have to use big-big words to sound smart. If you use very big words, your victim will have no idea what you’re talking about and completely switch off. This is also known as MBA-speak. Avoid it. The key is to make your victim think that he *almost* got what you said.

So, use words that sound familiar, but don’t mean anything. Good examples of such words are “edothermic“, “biomechanical“, “macro-economy” and “data-mining“. Nobody knows what these words mean, so they’re safe to use.

Example:

Victim: “What is this whole ‘credit crisis’ thing we keep hearing about?”
Wrong Answer: “Imploding Hedge funds precipitated by highly leveraged exposure to CDOs and exotic commercial paper further worsened by tightening credit conditions.” (Too much MBA-speak)
Right Answer: “The problem is that these high-flying bankers burned their fingers on mortgage-backed securities that they shouldn’t have bought in the first place. I mean, it’s not rocket science!”

Notice the clever use of “mortgage” and “securities“. Everyone has heard of these words, but no one knows what they mean.

2. Make sure your victim only understands half the sentence.
The idea is that your victim should feel that he is vaguely following what you are saying, but didn’t really get it. He will then conclude that he is a moron for not being able to understand such simple things. This is the win-win situation you should be aiming at.

A good strategy to use here is to structure your sentences into two parts. The first part makes sense and your victim understands it. The second part is where your victim should get confused and the rest of the sentence should go over your victim’s head.

Example:

Victim: “…and that’s why the traffic problem is so bad in Bangalore.”
Wrong Answer: “No! The real problem is these stupid auto fellows who drive like wild monkeys. They should shoot all of them!” (Makes you sound like a cheap zoo keeper)
Right Answer: “I think the real problem is that all of Bangalore’s commuters are angry and frustrated because the economic incentives are misaligned by the subsidized fuel and unchecked extranalities brought about by macro economic prosperity of our country in general. I mean, the GDP is growing at 9%!”

3. Appear confident and make jokes.
This is probably the most important - You need to appear confident and at ease with yourself. You can easily achieve this by reminding yourself that nobody else in the room has any clue either, and everyone is just playing along. Only, you have learnt the secret from the Pointless Wanderings blog while everyone else is struggling.

Another thing is that you need to tell jokes and stories. Note that these jokes and stories don’t have to be funny at all. They just have to further re-enforce the feeling in your victim that he really didn’t get it.

Example:

Victim: “…and soon, we’re going to have floods because of Global Warming!”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah. And then we’ll all drown and get washed away. Oh My God! The WORLD IS GOING TO END! HELP! HELP!” (Makes you sound like a crackpot)
Right Answer: “Isn’t it ironic that despite having well-understood models of Chaos Theory, mankind’s myopia is leading us to the brink of disaster. The Butterfly has already flapped it’s wings, people! Hehehe…”
Victim: “He he he…eh?”

You now have the know-how and power to pretend to be smart. Go forth and change the world. But whatever you do, don’t be like this guy.

• 4 Comments

Previously on the blog, I taught you how to be a Philosopher and how to be a Fake Cricket fan. And to continue this series, I will today show you how to get the upper hand in arguments.

1. Use the “Sky is Blue” argument
When most people are in an argument, they will refuse to accept anything you say. To get around this problem, make an argument that is obviously true. Note that it doesn’t have to do anything with what you’re discussing. Once your opponent accepts any one thing you say, you’ve broken them.

Example:
Victim: “…and so, Global warming is real.“
You: “Aaha..But, you’ve forgot one important thing: The Earth rotates and revolves simultaneously“
Victim: “Eh? How is that…“
You: “Do you agree or not? ARE YOU DENYING THAT THE EARTH REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN?“
Victim: “No, I agree, but…“
You: “I’m glad you agree with me and what I have to say: Global warming is a myth. Nice talking to you. Bye, now“

2. Deny the assumptions and create new Facts
Contrary to popular beliefs, facts are not universal. You are allowed to create new facts as you please, especially if your victim is not an expert in the subject. Denying the assumptions of your victim also takes the argument to a new level. This works especially well if combined with the use of Philosophy.

Example:
Victim: “…and studies have shown that people who exercise regularly lead happier lives.“
You: “What does it mean to be happy? Can anyone really be happy? Seriously. Would you say you are happy with your life?“
Victim: “err…I mean…hmmm….“
You: “Besides, 75% of people who regularly exercised were at a higher risk of getting hit by lightning. 75%. Think about how happy you’d be if lightning hit you!“

3. FUD is your greatest weapon
FUD stands for “Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt”. Creating FUD in your opponent is the easiest way to knock him out. You have to appeal to the emotional and primal instincts of fear and uncertainty. You’ve to make your opponent feel like he’s back in the stone age and there’s a saber-tooth tiger behind him.

Example:
Victim: “…and that’s why we should teach children science and mathematics at an early age“
You: “If you teach kids science, they’ll grow up to be mad scientists, put you in a cage and start running tests on you!“
Victim: “No…they wouldn’t do that, would they?“
You: “Do you remember what happened to Socrates? I wouldn’t want a painful, screaming death where I pull out my own eyes. That’s all I’m saying“

Let me know how using these techniques changes your life dramatically. If you’re feeling especially generous that I made such a profound impact on your life, you can send me money.

• 3 Comments