Appearing to be smart is actually more important than being smart itself, because if you are really smart, then you have to do stuff like study Physics and write books. But if you are only pretending to be smart, you get all the benefits, without any of the downside. It’s a good deal, trust me. I’ve been doing this for 25 years now, so I can claim to be somewhat of an expert.

Here are some of my tips to make you appear smart:

1. Use words that sound familiar.

It is a common misconception that you have to use big-big words to sound smart. If you use very big words, your victim will have no idea what you’re talking about and completely switch off. This is also known as MBA-speak. Avoid it. The key is to make your victim think that he *almost* got what you said.

So, use words that sound familiar, but don’t mean anything. Good examples of such words are “edothermic“, “biomechanical“, “macro-economy” and “data-mining“. Nobody knows what these words mean, so they’re safe to use.

Example:

Victim: “What is this whole ‘credit crisis’ thing we keep hearing about?”
Wrong Answer: “Imploding Hedge funds precipitated by highly leveraged exposure to CDOs and exotic commercial paper further worsened by tightening credit conditions.” (Too much MBA-speak)
Right Answer: “The problem is that these high-flying bankers burned their fingers on mortgage-backed securities that they shouldn’t have bought in the first place. I mean, it’s not rocket science!”

Notice the clever use of “mortgage” and “securities“. Everyone has heard of these words, but no one knows what they mean.

2. Make sure your victim only understands half the sentence.
The idea is that your victim should feel that he is vaguely following what you are saying, but didn’t really get it. He will then conclude that he is a moron for not being able to understand such simple things. This is the win-win situation you should be aiming at.

A good strategy to use here is to structure your sentences into two parts. The first part makes sense and your victim understands it. The second part is where your victim should get confused and the rest of the sentence should go over your victim’s head.

Example:

Victim: “…and that’s why the traffic problem is so bad in Bangalore.”
Wrong Answer: “No! The real problem is these stupid auto fellows who drive like wild monkeys. They should shoot all of them!” (Makes you sound like a cheap zoo keeper)
Right Answer: “I think the real problem is that all of Bangalore’s commuters are angry and frustrated because the economic incentives are misaligned by the subsidized fuel and unchecked extranalities brought about by macro economic prosperity of our country in general. I mean, the GDP is growing at 9%!”

3. Appear confident and make jokes.
This is probably the most important - You need to appear confident and at ease with yourself. You can easily achieve this by reminding yourself that nobody else in the room has any clue either, and everyone is just playing along. Only, you have learnt the secret from the Pointless Wanderings blog while everyone else is struggling.

Another thing is that you need to tell jokes and stories. Note that these jokes and stories don’t have to be funny at all. They just have to further re-enforce the feeling in your victim that he really didn’t get it.

Example:

Victim: “…and soon, we’re going to have floods because of Global Warming!”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah. And then we’ll all drown and get washed away. Oh My God! The WORLD IS GOING TO END! HELP! HELP!” (Makes you sound like a crackpot)
Right Answer: “Isn’t it ironic that despite having well-understood models of Chaos Theory, mankind’s myopia is leading us to the brink of disaster. The Butterfly has already flapped it’s wings, people! Hehehe…”
Victim: “He he he…eh?”

You now have the know-how and power to pretend to be smart. Go forth and change the world. But whatever you do, don’t be like this guy.

• 4 Comments

Previously on the blog, I taught you how to be a Philosopher and how to be a Fake Cricket fan. And to continue this series, I will today show you how to get the upper hand in arguments.

1. Use the “Sky is Blue” argument
When most people are in an argument, they will refuse to accept anything you say. To get around this problem, make an argument that is obviously true. Note that it doesn’t have to do anything with what you’re discussing. Once your opponent accepts any one thing you say, you’ve broken them.

Example:
Victim: “…and so, Global warming is real.“
You: “Aaha..But, you’ve forgot one important thing: The Earth rotates and revolves simultaneously“
Victim: “Eh? How is that…“
You: “Do you agree or not? ARE YOU DENYING THAT THE EARTH REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN?“
Victim: “No, I agree, but…“
You: “I’m glad you agree with me and what I have to say: Global warming is a myth. Nice talking to you. Bye, now“

2. Deny the assumptions and create new Facts
Contrary to popular beliefs, facts are not universal. You are allowed to create new facts as you please, especially if your victim is not an expert in the subject. Denying the assumptions of your victim also takes the argument to a new level. This works especially well if combined with the use of Philosophy.

Example:
Victim: “…and studies have shown that people who exercise regularly lead happier lives.“
You: “What does it mean to be happy? Can anyone really be happy? Seriously. Would you say you are happy with your life?“
Victim: “err…I mean…hmmm….“
You: “Besides, 75% of people who regularly exercised were at a higher risk of getting hit by lightning. 75%. Think about how happy you’d be if lightning hit you!“

3. FUD is your greatest weapon
FUD stands for “Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt”. Creating FUD in your opponent is the easiest way to knock him out. You have to appeal to the emotional and primal instincts of fear and uncertainty. You’ve to make your opponent feel like he’s back in the stone age and there’s a saber-tooth tiger behind him.

Example:
Victim: “…and that’s why we should teach children science and mathematics at an early age“
You: “If you teach kids science, they’ll grow up to be mad scientists, put you in a cage and start running tests on you!“
Victim: “No…they wouldn’t do that, would they?“
You: “Do you remember what happened to Socrates? I wouldn’t want a painful, screaming death where I pull out my own eyes. That’s all I’m saying“

Let me know how using these techniques changes your life dramatically. If you’re feeling especially generous that I made such a profound impact on your life, you can send me money.

• 3 Comments

In this post, I’ll share with you some lessons that I recently learnt from the wife, the hard way, about how to successfully carry more than 100 Kgs of stuff back to India from your latest US trip.

Lets say you went on a Shopping Spree when you were in the US, and bought way more stuff than the Airlines will let you carry back. What do you do? For the record, most airlines will allow you 2 bags of 32Kgs each, but what if you’ve bought well over 100Kgs of stuff. What do you do now?

Here are 4 easy steps to getting all that stuff back to India without paying *any* excess baggage fee. All you need is a little bit of cunning and trickery and an unsuspecting husband.

Step 1: Stuff your own bags to the absolute limit.
This step requires some super skills and a total disregard for the laws of Physics. You stuff your bags until they can take no more. Then you stuff them even more. You keep on stuffing until you have enough density to be dangerously close to creating a black hole.

Step 2: Take one of your husband’s bag, throw out his stuff, and then put your own stuff in it.
The key to this step is not letting your husband know that you’ve completely stuffed his suitcase with your stuff. He’s going to have to carry his suitcase when he comes back, so he’ll get all your shopping automatically.

Step 3: Give more stuff to your husband, and ask him to bring it back with him.
The key part in this step is to ask nicely. Say something along the lines of “There’s this tiny-winy little things that are not fitting in my bag, can you bring them back with you? Thanks so much. I promise I’ll make you Alu Paratha if you bring them…“. Another important thing is to “accidentally forget” to mention that you’ve already stuffed one of his bags.

Step 4: Hide all the remaining stuff in your husband’s wardrobe.
…and don’t say anything about it. When your husband prepares to leave, he’ll “discover” all this stuff that you’ve cleverly hid, and he’ll have to get it back with him. They key is to make sure he discovers the hidden stuff only *after* you’ve already gone.

I can assure you, this strategy works *really* well in real life. Just ask my wife. And in case you’re worried about the husband, don’t be. He’ll only have to throw away all his clothes to make room for all your stuff, but that’s just collateral damage. Everything is fair in Love and War. Especially fair if it’s both.

• 10 Comments

In today’s highly competitive world, you need all the tools to get ahead. Appearing to be spiritual will help you tremendously, and so I’m going to teach you how to be a fake philosopher today.

The official definition of philosophy is “Stuff that no one really understands”. It is similar to Jargoneese, but different at the same levels in that Jargoneese and Philosophy have similar differences. Jargoneese is using symbolism to re-interpret vagaries of daily life, while philosophy is using vagaries of daily life to re-interpret symbolism. Got it? Good. Continue reading…

The following are some tips that will help you sound like a philosopher:

Tip #1: Use simple words, but complex constructs.
It is a common misconception that Philosophers use big words. You’ll get the best effect if you use simple words, but construct sentences that are difficult to understand. The central idea is to awe the victim. Your victim should feel stupid that he can’t understand what you’re saying despite you using such simple language.

Boring Guy: “How’s life man?”
Wrong Answer: “It’s great! I crashed into a Bufallo last week, I think I’m going to flunk this year, and I forgot to have lunch today. Other that that, it’s awesome.”
Right Answer™ : “It’s like a bread crumb in a tomato soup. You can float without swimming, but eventually you’ll get eaten.”

Tip #2: Use oxymoronic opposites.
The best kind of philosophy is the kind that your brain simply can’t comprehend. There are plenty of ways to achieve this effect, but by far the easiest is to use 2 opposite words together, so that their combined meaning is incomprehensible, and at best, impossible. Good examples include:

“similar differences”
“burning ice”
“irrationality principle”
“satisfied life”

Try to use as many of these in your sentences. Eg:

“The irrationality principle advocated by Kant suffers from the ‘burning ice’ problem leading to similar differences from his earlier work on realizing a satisfied life”

Tip #3: Say “I’ll give you an example”. Then don’t give the example.
Examples are usually given to explain something because people learn quicker if they can relate it to something they already know. This is a very powerful weapon, if you use only half of it. Give an example of something that your victim is familiar with, but don’t explain how to relate it.

Clueless guy after watching the Matrix: “Huh? What does the movie mean?”
Wrong Answer: “See…Neo is the One, (”neo” is just “one” spelt differently) and he’s fighting the machines that are running a virtual world…”
Right Answer™ : “It’s quite simple actually. Let me give you an example: Neo dogging bullets is like having self-realized chicken around a lemon tree in a farm - The Farmer wants the lemons, but the supply of eggs is near-limitless. Get it?”

Tip #4: Use Random Metaphors
This is an advanced version of Tip #3. Philosophy is mostly using bad metaphors to explain something you don’t understand in the first place. Learn this well, it will come in handy.

Boring guy: “Should I buy my car in the “Red River” color or the “Green Golbin” color?”
Wrong Answer: “It doesn’t matter, moron, because it’ll look brown with all the dirt it’ll accumulate.”
Right Answer™ : “It’s like stopping at a traffic signal - Life stops at the red signal, but many people jump it, just the same as the green color. In the end, what matters is what kind of person you are. Think about that, and you’ll have your answer.”

You are now ready to try these out on unsuspecting victims. Let me know how it goes.

• 3 Comments

I’ve stopped following cricket for a while now. I used to be big on cricket back in school, but since the whole match-fixing thing broke out, I’ve lost interest. But the obviousness that all matches have been fixed doesn’t seem to have affected the vast majority of the country. They still watch the game with exactly the same enthusiasm.

The problem of being a non-cricket watching Indian is that many people think of that as being the same as being an orangutan - Almost human, but not quite.

Several people are scandalized when I tell them I don’t follow cricket. This one time in college, I walk into class and everyone is talking about yesterday’s match.

Friend #1: “I think the umpire’s 2nd decision was unwarranted. The ball was way outside leg.”
Friend #2: “Ponting shouldn’t have declared despite that - The reverse swing was appreciable. I still think it was outside leg”
“What do you think?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t watch cricket.”

There is a stunned silence in the room as the enormity of my stupidity dissipates through the class. Everyone is looking at me like I’m a crocodile from a different planet.

Friend #1: “YOU DIDN’T WATCH YESTERDAY’S MATCH?”
Me: “err..hmmm….err…no? Did I miss something?”
Friend #2: “TRAITOR! KILL HIM! HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN TO THE FAN!”
Rest of the Crowd: “Yeeeessss!!! (chorus) Hang him! Hang him!“

It wasn’t that bad, but you get the picture. I have since then learnt that saying you don’t watch cricket means you’ll be treated like an outcast. So, I fake it.

Friend #1: “…and so the ball was outside leg. It wasn’t out. What do you think?”
Me: “Yes. That was the turning point of the match!”
Friend #1: “Yes! And if that idiot umpire…”

“Turning point” is a good fake to use, because all incidents can be turning points of the match. People can’t tell if you are faking it. But you have to be careful to use this strategy and not say too much. It can get you into trouble.

Friend #1: “What did you think of the match yesterday?”
Me: “It was a good match. Sachin’s innings was eventful.”
(Note the use of the generic “eventful”. If Sachin scored 0, it was eventful, if he scored 100, it was still eventful. This normally works, except if you’re so stupid that you didn’t know Sachin is not playing)
Friend #2: “Sachin is not playing in the T20 worldcup!”
Me: “Did I say Sachin? I meant Sourav.”
Friend #1: “Ganguly is not playing either. Did you really watch the match?”
Me: “Look there! Rakhi Sawant!”

Friends turn around to where I pointed. I run away…

• 7 Comments