It is the 5th Semester of College, and I’m late for class as usual. I’ve just managed to slip past the watchman as he was about to close the gates to the College. I run up the stairs into the classroom, but the class has already started. The lecturer gives me a cold stare as I walk into the room. The stare I can live with, but I’m worried that the most important part of the class – the attendance call – might be over, and my coming into the class might have become a complete waste.

I sit down at an empty place. Drinivas is sitting next to me.

Me: “Has he taken the attendance yet?”
Drinivas: “No…”
Me: “Oh, thank god! Phew. That was close… I almost missed it.”
Drinivas: “…but you missed the explanation of the third-order-beta-function. If you don’t understand beta-functions, you’re not going to understand gamma-functions.”
Me: “I’m not going to understand gamma-functions no matter what!”

Drinivas looks at me weirdly. Why some people place attendance over learning and knowledge is something he hasn’t understood at all. I once tried to explain to him that Attendance is very important to some people just like attending church is important to some people – It is just a cultural difference. But somehow, Drinivas was never convinced of it. He’s naive that way. But he’ll learn the truth soon enough.

But there is something different about him today. He’s in a chatty mood.

Drinivas: “I saw a person near my house today.”
Me: “Yeah? And I saw a Buffallo on my way today. What are the odds?!?”

Drinivas is not in a mood for my PJs today. He ignores my comment.

Drinivas: “It’s an exchange student. From Russia.”
Me: “Oh really? And how can you tell he’s Russian? Running around with a T-shirt saying ‘Vodka: Antifreeze for the Soul‘, was he?”
Drinivas: “It’s a she.”

Oohh Hoo. This girl seems to have caught Drinivas’s attention. Now the picture’s become a little clearer.

Me: “Aaaaah… Nice…. So how’s she?”
Drinivas: “She’s has certain qualities that draw one’s interest. From a visual perspective, she presents an interesting profile, and one can safely say that she has several strong attention grabbing characteristics that are well represented.”
Me: “Is that nerd talk for “She’s Hot” ?”
Drinivas: “To put it bluntly, yes”
Me: “All right! Way to go, man. Did you talk to her?”
Drinivas: “I haven’t had the opportunity, but I’m optimistic one will present itself this evening.”

Drinivas spends the rest of the day seemingly pre-occupied with thoughts about how he was going to exploit this ‘opportunity’ of his. I’m just happy he doesn’t interrupt our impromptu tic-tac-toe tournament that has broken out among the neighboring benches. At the end of the day, Drinivas rushes off. Good luck to him!

But when I see him the next day, Drinivas is looking rather glum.

Me: “Hey, how did it go yesterday with the Russian exchange student?”
Drinivas: “Not too good. There was an unforeseen glitch…”
Me: “What happened?”
Drinivas: “Apparently, she doesn’t speak any English. And worse – She’s studying Media and Communication, and that means we have absolutely nothing in common!”
Me: “Is that it?”
Drinivas: “What are you implying?”
Me: “Come on man, what’s a language barrier? You’ve got to take this opportunity by the throat and strangle it, dude!”
Drinivas: “Strangle who?”
Me: “Seize the day! Grab the apples! Jump the cliff! A mere language difference didn’t stop Romeo and Juliet!”
Drinivas: “Romeo and Juliet spoke the same language.”
Me: “OK, but for the sake of the argument, let’s say they didn’t.”
Drinivas: “What? That’s impossible. Your a-priori assumptions are wrong, so your conclusions are invariably….”
Me: “Look, who’s telling the story? Let’s just say they didn’t, OK? Now. Where were we? Yeah. They couldn’t speak the same language. But that didn’t stop them from becoming history’s heroes!”
Drinivas: “You’re not making any sense!”
Me: “I’M NOT MAKING SENSE?!? Look who’s talking!”
Drinivas: “That does it. Enough advice from you. I’m going to approach this issue in my own strategic way.”
Me: “Oh, really? And what’s your plan?”
Drinivas: “You’ll see my friend, you’ll see!”

[Update Part 2 is here]

• 10 Comments

Back in the College, we had this torturous thing called the Physics Lab. We were supposed to do physics “experiments” in the lab and learn from it. But these were not so much experiments as they were “fudge the readings till you get the right answer” exercises, and we were pretty good at it.

The expert at this, of course, was Chitradeep Chetty. He was so good at “reverse calculations” that as soon as we get the experiment, he’d start off with his math, working backwards from the expected answer to figure out exactly what the readings should be. And then, he’d change the reading a little, you know, to make sure the answer didn’t come out exactly right and get the teacher suspicious that he fudged the numbers.

So this one day, Chitradeep and I were lab partners in the physics lab. The experiment is to calculate the speed of sound in air using a tuning fork. We’d all gathered around the lab teacher, who was demonstrating the experiment to us.

Teacher: “…And so, you bang the tuning fork and hold it over this water tube, and a resonating sound will come.”

The teacher held up the tuning fork, but there is no sound. He tried again, but still no sound.

Teacher: “…Well, err…you have to adjust the length of the water column properly and the sound will come. Really, when you do it, it will come.”

Now, it was embarrassing enough for the teacher that his own experiment had flopped, but Chitradeep Chetty, not to loose any opportunity, raises his hand to ask a question.

Chitradeep: “But Sir, what does the sound sound like?”
The teacher looks at him suspiciously, presumably evaluating if this is a genuine question. he looks at Chitradeep’s small-puppy face, and decides that he is in earnest.
Teacher: “The sound will come like this: Woooooooooooooooooooooo“

The entire batch is suppressing it’s laughter.

Chitradeep: “Like how bad boys whistle at girls, sir? Like this: Whoooot Whoooooo Or is it like whistling at AutoRickshaws to make them stop? Like this: TWweeooooooooo?”

The teacher decides he’s had enough of this, and sends us all away to our places. As I’m setting up the experiment, Chitradeep has already started the “back-calculation”, and soon figures out that we need to get the water level to “15.5 cms” to get the proper result. And so, we pre-adjust the level of the water, and start banging the tuning fork, but absolutely no sound. We try and try with all kinds of adjustments, but the bloody resonating sound is just not coming.

After a while, we decide we’ve had enough, and anyway, we have the numbers, and that’s what matters in the end. So, we pretend the experiment is successful, make the relevant entries in the lab record, and tell the teacher we’ve finished.

Usually, that’s the end of the lab, but because of Chitradeep’s brilliant demonstration of his whistling skills earlier, the teacher has been watching us, and now says “Show Me your Experiment“, and walks over to our table.

Chitradeep and I look at each other. Now we’re in trouble. Our experiment is certainly not working, but our lab record claims a very good result. Chitradeep has always been the innovative kind, and he’s not the one to back down from a challenge like this. He invites the teacher to sit down, and stands behind him. He signals for me to just pretend to go along. I have no idea what he’s up to, but follow his lead.

Me: “So, here’s the water column at 15.4 cms, and now I’m going to take this tuning fork over the water column, and we will see the resonance.”

I bang the tuning fork on the pad and bring it up near the water tube. Chitradeep removes the cap from his pen and holds it inverted near his mouth.

Just as I bring the tuning fork on top of it, Chitradeep whistles into the cap, producing a shrill, shrieking “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” sound. The teacher looks rather flambungeled, and looks around to see if we’re fudging something. Chitradeep has put away the cap, and again makes the “innocent small-puppy” face. The teacher doesn’t know what to say. He suspects Chitradeep is up to something, but doesn’t know what to accuse him of.

Me: “…And, taking that reading from the tube, we use the formula for the resonance…”

I shove the lab record into the teachers face, and he looks at all our calculations. He’s trying to find a mistake there so that he can pin us down. But he can’t find any, and so, reluctantly, he lets us go. As we walk out, the teacher gives us the “sooner-or-later-i’m-going-to-get-you” look, but we run away to our freedom!

Chitradeep’s “innocent small-puppy” face has rescued the day once again!

• 17 Comments

I’ve started to enjoy playing Tennis. I suck at it, but that doesn’t stop me from playing anyway. It’s like an addiction. But my other friends don’t seem to enjoy it as much. They say I’m not a “Good Sport”. Ha! I think they’re just being bad losers. You decide for yourself:

So last week, we’re playing a doubles Tennis match. Drinivas and I are playing together as a team against a couple of other friends.

We’re leading 4-3 in the first set. The other team serves, and I smash it right back into the net.

Drinivas (making weird actions with his racket): “Place it man! Place it!”
Me: “I’m going to place it on top of you if you don’t keep quite!”
Drinivas: “$#@^%$#@**”
Friend #1: “Good team work fellows. Good team work!”
Me: “Grrrrr….”

Next point. Friend #1 serves it straight at me, and I’m trying out my single-hand-back-hand-top-spin-drop-shot. It lands up in the next court were a couple of chics are playing.

Drinivas: “What the hell are you doing?!? We lost the point!”
Me: “Oh, keep quite! We wouldn’t have lost if you didn’t serve like a Girl last game!”
Drinivas: “Shut up, you barbarian!”
Me: “You shut up %$$**&#$@”
Drinivas: “^%**%$#@”
Friend #1: “Is it still sledging if you’re screaming at your own teammate? These 2 have the serious sledging skills.”
Me: “That’s it. I’m defecting to the other team!”
Drinivas: “What?”
Friend #1: “In the middle of the game?!”
Drinivas: “Fine! Go away. Good riddance!”
Me: “Yeah, and I’m also taking with me all the points I won. That’s 4 games I’ve won. The score is now 9-0. We already won. Hahahahah! Looser! Looser!”
Drinivas: “Please! Besides…4 plus 3 is 7, not 9″
Me: “Is that what they taught you at ‘Vijaya School for the Ultimately Stupid’?”
Drinivas: “You know what? I’m too mature for this silly name calling!”
Me: “Why? You Chicken? Hey guys! Why can’t Drinivas The Chicken play tennis?”

Drinivas tries to say something but I cut him off

Me: “…because the Drinivas The Chicken sits on the balls all day trying to hatch them. Muhahahaah! Quack! Quack! Quack!”

And I start running around in circles flapping my arms like a Chicken. Drinivas totally looses it at this point and throws his racket at me.

60 minutes-of-the-same-stuff later…

Me: “Good Game guys! Wanna play again tomorrow?”
Everyone (in chorus) : “Not if you’re coming!”
Me: “You guys are such bad losers….”

PS: I know many of you are wondering if I’ve actually gone against my religious principles and started exercising by playing Tennis. But don’t worry. I make it a point to drink enough Maza and Pepsi to offset any calories I might have burnt playing Tennis, so I’m OK!

• 5 Comments

Chitradeep Chetty has lived a very colorful life, and we can all benefit significantly by studying his style. I have been doing it myself for the last few years. One of the many things Chitradeep excels at is knowing exactly what women want. And so, Chitradeep returns today to share his enormous wisdom with us:

——————————–

Knowing what women want is a very tricky thing, but there are some secrets to it that are gauranteed to make you score with the women! Today, I will teach you the 3 most important tricks that you can use to impress them.

1) Make them ask you questions.

This is probably the most important, since it opens communication with them and gets them interested in you. The Trick is to get them to ask question, but you have to guide the conversation.

Example:

Chitradeep: “What deo do you use?”
Girl: “EXCUSE ME?” (First question)
Chitradeep: “I use Narsingh Deo!”
Girl: “What?” (Second question. We’re making good progress!)
Chitradeep: “Haha…That’s the author of our ‘Graph Theory’ textbook. Haha… Did you get it? Hahaha…”
Girl: “Are you always this weird or only around pretty girls?” (Third Question in a row! SCORE!!!)

2) Showcase all your knowledge and achievements.

This is the trick to making yourself appear cool. The more you know, the more smarter you are, obviously. Show them how much you know about everything and impress them thoroughly. Never miss an opportunity to display your enormous textbook-knowledge.

Example:

Chitradeep: “Do you want to go and get some Coffee?”
Girl: “Sure!”
(Start walking towards the Coffee Shop. Here’s an oppurtunity to make conversation…)
Chitradeep: “So, did you know that a cup of Coffee has 350 calories? That’s the same as 100g of PURE FAT!”
Girl: “Eewww…..”
Chitradeep: “Yeah! But accumulating fat is good! It comes in handy if you are starving to death.”
Girl: “Why would I be starving to death?”
Chitradeep: “Well, after the Nuclear war, only Cockroaches will survive. But eating mutated killer monster cockroaches might be difficult. That’s when I’m going to use all MY FAT!“
Girl: “Oh! I just remembered something. I have to pick up my cat from the airport. Gotta go! Tata!”
Chitradeep: “Sure! We’ll have coffee some other time!”

I showed off how much I knew about Coffee and Cockroaches, and didn’t even have to spend money on Coffee! SCORE!!!!

3) Treat women with respect and dignity

The 21st century women doesn’t need to be patronized. It is important that you treat them with respect and love and dignity. Show them that you believe in equal opportunity for women.

Example:

Take her out to a nice Dinner, and when the bill arrives:

Chitradeep: “I insist you pay half the amount. I believe in equality for everyone!”
Girl: “Hmmmm…..Well, OK”
Chitradeep: “Yeah. Besides, you ate more than me. It’s only fair. I completely believe in fairness!”
The Girl has a surprised look on her face at this point, but that is normal. She’s surprised by what a nice guy you are.
Chitradeep: “Also, Can you take an auto back home? I’d drop you, but my house is in the other direction, and I don’t want to waste petrol and damage the environment”
Girl: “Bye bye!”
Chitradeep: “I’ll call you!”

SCORE!!!

• 10 Comments

We share our planet with lots of weird species like nerds and geeks. As normal humans, we should make some effort to reach out to these folks so that we may understand their language and their culture. And so, to promote harmony with the nerds, I have managed to establish contact with one of them. To protect the identity of this Alien, we have to call him by his secret name, “Archisman Dhatra“. The following is an interview I conducted with Archisman.

Me: Hello Sir. Before we start, let me say that you look remarkably human. Do nerds always take the human form so as to not cause panic among regular human beings?
Archisman: “Please call me by my proper name: geek. Not nerd. There is subtle difference between a geek and a nerd and calling us nerds is a disgrace to our great forefathers. It has been statistically proven that geeks have 31.18% more chance of getting a date than nerds. I like to keep my chances optimal. But I am still single. I wonder why. Anyway, I digress.

Coming back to the point: Yes our goal is to try and not standout like a lone Lisp programmer in a JavaScript convention, but to blend in the way C blends into C++. This way, we can observe and study humans without causing too many compiler warnings, because, as our good old friend Atif would say, “The geeks will inherit the Earth.”

Me: My sources tell me that you got the 2nd Rank in 12th standard. That is 100% worse than 1st Rank. Is that a criminal offense punishable by death on your planet?
Archisman: Worse than that. We get a lifetime of community service on your planet, which explains why I am here. Painstakingly, we educate you masses about our alien culture so that you do not resist when we will take over your primitive society. So much for one small mistake!

Me: Us normal humans sleep with books under the pillow to make the knowledge from the book diffuse into our brains. What do the nerds do? Is it necessary to keep the book open for optimal transfer?
Archisman: This is where you kids go wrong. Reading a book is the process of aligning neurons in your cerebrum for knowledge persistence, and it is very essential to open the book before you start. Also, knowledge is power and

In other words, knowledge is basically forcing yourself to read lengths of boring text wasting your time. But remember that the lack of knowledge could be disastrous (You may recall your ‘I read Russian literature‘ incident) and the only way to amass this knowledge is to actually open and read the book.
But sometimes, when this is not possible, we just read the summary of a book and act as if we read the whole book. This works because it is impossible for a normal mortal to tell the difference.

Me: One last question. My sources tell me you are known as the super-nerd. Are you friends with super-man? You seem to be from the same planet.
Archisman: Pretty much. But unlike him I prefer to wear my underpants inside as a means of camouflage. This is aligned with the C-in-C++ principle that I mentioned before.

Me: Thank you, Sir for taking the time to talk to us normal human beings. We are glad to make contact with the geeks and hopefully we can live peacefully together.
Archisman: Thank you. And we’re going to take over your planet soon, so the peace thing might not work out.

• 10 Comments

It is first year of college, and there is a knock-out girl in our batch. Everyone is dying to get an intro to this girl, lets call her Doorna. Also hot in pursuit were Chitradeep and I, and after much promises of treats and lending of lab records for copying, we finally managed to convince a common friend to make introductions.

Back then, we had a very strange idea of what chics are impressed by.

Common Friend: “Hey Doorna, meet Chitradeep!“
Doorna: “Hi!“
Chitradeep: “I got a 99 in Maths in 10th Standard!“
Doorna: “Oh?“
Common Friend: “…and this is Aditya“
Me: “I know how to drive a bike! In 3rd gear, that too!“

Needless to say, Doorna was not very impressed with either of us, but that didn’t stop Chitradeep from day-dreaming about her.

Chitradeep: “The two of us are like cos and sin. We compliment each other! We’re like 2 sides of a triangle!“
Me: “She’s hardly aware of you existence man! And, by the way, a triangle has 3 sides.“
Chitradeep: “Yeah. The third side is this evil world, who we have to battle!“
Me: “Best of luck, dude. And I hope she likes clichéd Hindi Movies, for your sake!“

I didn’t think Chitradeep had the courage to ask out such a pretty girl, but he shockingly did, and invited her out for coffee after college. There was quite a buzz that day in college around Chitradeep, and a bunch of us, jealous that Chitradeep had managed to make the first move, decided to get back at him.

We found out where Chitradeep was planning to take her. It was a nice little snacks-and-coffee place near college. As planned, the two of them met up at this place, and, determined to ruin this date for Chitradeep, 11 of us walked in to the same place.

Me (acting surprised to see Chitradeep): “Hey buddy! How come here?“
Chitradeep (very frustrated): “Generally. Why don’t you guys go to that great restaurant across the street? They have great soup!“
Me: “Oh, no. Don’t worry about us. We’ll just sit over there, out of your way.”

And so we sat down at a table right next to the two of them.

Me: “Hey Chitradeep! What’s good to eat out here?“
Chitradeep: “GRRrrrrr….“

Despite our best efforts to be loud, annoying and noisy, Chitradeep managed to keep his cool throughout. But inside, I’ll bet he wanted to pluck the eyes out of my sockets and eat them raw.

As we continued to be a massive disturbance to everyone in the restaurant, from the corner of my eye, I saw Chitradeep taking the rose out of the vase on the table and giving it to Doorna. Oh my God! He was taking it to the next level!

But what happened next has not been understood very well, despite all of us being witness to the shocking unfolding of events that day. Doorna first took the rose, and seemed to like it. She then thought for a while, and then, all of a sudden and without any warning – started crying. She was sobbing like crazy, and suddenly the whole coffee place fell silent, everyone’s eyes on Chitradeep. He was just sitting there and, having no prior experience with crying girls, had absolutely no idea how to react. Doorna stormed out of the place, leaving Chitradeep staring at a blank wall.

Many many years later, Doorna called me and announced that she was getting married! She was inviting me, along with Chitradeep, to her wedding!

As Chitradeep and I were sitting in the wedding hall, looking at Doorna and her new husband, I could clearly sense that Chitradeep was still wondering why a girl would start crying when given a rose.

Chitradeep: “Maybe she couldn’t stand you guys being such jerks that day. That’s why she started crying…“
Me: “Or, maybe she’s allergic to roses!“
Chitradeep: “Hmmm…..I sure hope so man. But it doesn’t matter now, does it?“
Me: “Not unless you got her a bouquet of roses as a wedding gift!“
Chitradeep: “Oh, dammit!“

• 13 Comments

Today’s blog post is by a Guest Blogger. My dear friend, Drinivas, upset over some things I wrote about his academic achievements on this blog, demanded that he be allowed to tell the other side of the story, to expose the real PK. And I’ve obliged.

———————————-
– By Srinivasa S:

Getting through to PK is a nightmare even when talking face to face, but here’s what you can expect when you desperately want to talk to him over phone:

Instance 1:
[Poor me] : <Dialing 2573xxxx> –> Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…<no answer>

Instance 2:
[Poor me] : <Dialing 2573xxxx> –> Ring…Ring…
[PK's Sister] : Hello?
[Poor me] : Can I speak to Aditya please?
[PK's sister] : Is it Srinivas, by any chance?
[Poor me] : Yeah….
[PK's sister] : heohoehohahahaahah!!!!
(She’s so used to PK not being home whenever I call, that she bursts out laughing!)

Instance 3:
[Poor me] : <Dialing 2573xxxx> –> Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…<no answer>
[Poor me] : <Dialing cellphone 98456xxxx> Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…
[Electronically recorded voice of a chic] : Hello…you have reached the subscriber’s voice mail box….Please leave your message after the beep
[Poor me] : PK, you @#%$#@^$#!

Instance 4:
[Poor me] : <Dialing 2573xxxx> –> Ring…Ring
[PK] : Yello?
[Poor me] : Thank god I found you…..I wanted to…
[PK] : Listen dude, I’m talking to someone else. Can I call you back in 5 minutes?
[Poor me] : Sure…Bye!

5 mins….. 15 mins…. 30 mins…. 1 hr…. 2 hrs…. 12 hours…no callback

4 days later, at a restaurant over lunch:

[Poor me] : Hey PK, You forgot to call me last week!
[PK] : What’s the date today? When had you called? My phone’s been dead for 4 days daaa!!!

Instance 5:
[Poor me] : <Dialing 2573xxxx> -> (picks up before it starts ringing!)
[PK] : Heeellllooo….?
[Poor me] : You busy?
PK] : No daaaa
Poor me] : You talking to someone else?
[PK] : Noooo maggaaa…
[Poor me] : I wanted to talk to you!
[PK] : I was (yyyaaawwwwnnnnn) sleeeeeeeepin daaaaaaaa….
[Poor me] : Bloody, you’re always sleeping, or busy or something. When are YOU EVER FREE?
[PK] : Let me do one thing…I’ll call back later…<click>

(same saga repeats!)

One day, I considered the alternative of going to his place instead of calling him. There are costs attached to that as well. Distance – 12 Kms, which takes 0.18146153843 liters of petrol, amounting to Rs. 6.6221538463. But wait…this is only the face cost…there’s more:

a) after each trip to his house on those Mud-rally tracks, I need to get my bike’s wheels balanced…cost: Rs. 30 per wheel.
b) after the suffocating drive, I’ll need to purchase a strip of lozenges to soothe my throat and respiratory tract. Ignoring this might demand 100ml of cough syrup too!

He once offered to come pick me on his bike, but I can’t even accept PK’s offer: ‘cuz, his bike is sooooo dirty that after taking a ride on it, looking at my garments, I can’t even say ” Surf Excel hai naa!”. Now I understand why the dude doesn’t park his bike under a shelter: The rain gods occasionally cleanse his bike out of sheer pity!

Now, even after all I’ve said, you’d expect a normal guy to learn from the humiliation. But of course, that doesn’t apply to PK. This is what he said when I wanted to borrow a novel from him, and asked him to get the next day:

“Call me and remind me later today.”

• 4 Comments