[Part 1 of this series is here]

As I made my way to the front of the stage from the last row of the auditorium, I was wondering how this could be possible! Did I really win the “Best Outgoing Student”?

I had a bad feeling about this. I kept thinking that as soon as the HOD saw me, she’d say:
HOD: “Oh, YOU are Aditya Kulkarni? I thought it was that skinny guy with glasses that has 100% attendance. I’m sorry, this award is not for you. You can go back and sit now.”

Or maybe as I got on the stage, they’d say:
HOD: “Aditya has always been outstanding – Standing out of the class, that is! Harharhar…”

Or the HOD would say
HOD: “We decided to give this award to him to make sure he takes it and never comes back here again!”

But nothing of that sort happened. I went on stage, was given the award and (some cash prize too!). I, however, did notice the “Bastard-I’ll-Kill-You” look on Drinivas’s and Dwetha’s faces. I tried to avoid them for the next several weeks.

That didn’t help though. In the weeks that followed, I had an unusually high number of “Buffalo encounters”. I’d be driving peacefully, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a Buffalo would come out, and I’d almost hit it. I was pretty sure that Drinivas had paid supari to the Buffalo Overlords, but I couldn’t prove it. Even to this day, I carry a concealed pepper-spray whenever I meet Drinivas.

But in all that confusion, I forgot to do the most important thing – Give an Award-Acceptance speech! I’ve always been jealous of the Oscar award winners and their acceptance speeches, and this was my one chance, and I forgot about it.

Anyway, since I didn’t get the chance to waste hundred’s of people’s time, I’ll just have to waste yours instead.

• 10 Comments

Back in College, they used to give out this “Best Outgoing Student Award” every year. There were two frontrunners for that award in our batch.

This first guy, lets call him Drinivas, was easily the smartest guy in the class. The second contender, lets call her Dwetha, had a photographic memory, and had straight first-ranks.

So in the final year, the day of the awards ceremony finally came, the whole college is sitting in the massive auditorium, and the Head-of-the-Department is on stage, about to make the announcement for this year’s award.

HOD: “We have a very special winner for the award this year…“
Drinivas is getting very nervous with anticipation. He adjusts his tie. Finally, the peak of his academic career is here. Winning this award will complete his Engineering degree.
Dwetha is on the edge of her seat. She’s wondering what she’s going to do with the award money. Maybe buy some shoes.
I’m sitting in the very last row of the auditorium, telling jokes about chicken and frogs.

HOD:”…and to honour the spectacular achievements, this year’s ‘Best Outgoing Student’ is…“

Drinivas is sweating like crazy. He’s very close to having a heart attack with all the anticipation the HOD is building up with the award. He decides he’ll snatch the award from the HODs hand when he goes on stage to get it.
Dwetha prepares to get up and wave to the crowd as it will go out of control with glee when she wins the award. Oh! Think of the applause!
Me: “…and the chicken says to the frog…“

HOD: “…goes to ADITYA KULKARNI!!!“

There is a stunned silence in the entire Auditorium. Now, it is true that I was well known in College with all the profs, but for all the wrong reasons. Everyone waits for the HOD to apologize for her mistake of reading out the winner of the ‘owner-of-the-dirtiest-bike’ instead of the best student.

After 30 seconds of pin-drop silence, everyone realizes that this is not a mistake. The audience lets out collect gasp of shock.

My friends next to me elbow me, telling me to get up and go on the stage. I’m so shell shocked that I didn’t even finish my joke. As I make my way from the back of the last row, someone hands me a tie that I clumsily put on, combing my hair with my hand, and carefully avoiding Drinivas and Dwetha, who look like they’re going to kill me.

[Update: Second part is here]

• 15 Comments

I knew this guy in college, lets call him Chitradeep Chetty*. This guy had one of the most colorful lives I’ve ever known.

He couldn’t speak a word of Hindi, but that didn’t stop him from taking Hindi as a subject in College. He’d just sit in class and while away time, telling jokes about how chickens crossed the road.

So one day Chitradeep and I are sitting in Hindi class, having a good time. The prof is getting increasingly frustrated with the volume of our laughter, but that doesn’t slow us down.

Me: “I got another one. What ad did the Chicken put in the matrimonial section?“
Chitradeep: “Tell me…“
Me: “Age no bar, eggs bar bar“
Chitradeep (laughing hysterically): “Hehoehehaohahahaha…*snort*…hehehe“

At this point, the prof looses his patience. He yells
Prof: “CHITRADEEP CHETTY! Stand Up!”

And Chitradeep stands up, pretending to be mortified.

Prof: “?? ???? ?? ?? ????? ???? ???” (What do you think of yourself?)

There are 2 problems happening here, simultaneously. Chitradeep doesn’t understand any Hindi, but doesn’t want to admit it to the Prof.

Chitradeep: “Sir…I was…err…hmmm…reading the next chapter“
Prof: “?? ??? ???? ???? ??? ?????!” (Get out of the class immediately!)

Now Chitradeep is contemplating what the Professor might have said. He looks at me. I roll my eyes and slightly move my head, indicating him to get out of the class.

Chitradeep decides that this means “Sit down“

Chitradeep: “Thank you, Sir.“
…and sits down.

The Prof is totally lost for a minute. He’s really confused as to why Chitradeep would sit down when he explicitly asked him to get out. He turns to the class, and sarcastically remarks:
Prof: “?? ?? ?? ????? ???? ?????? ???? ??? ?? ?????? ????? ?? ???? ?????” (Kids these days are such idiots that they need to be beaten up with shoes)

Chitradeep turns towards me and whispers: “I think he likes me…“

Chitradeep has had so many misadventures that I could fill a book with it. He once took us to a restaurant to treat us for his birthday. Then, when the bill came, he literally jumped up, and ran out from the restaurant. We had to chase him through the streets and traffic. Another time, he tried to negotiate with the bouncers outside a discotheque to return his cover charge because, in his words, “there’s only dudes inside, man!”.

But to be fair to him, he’s generally a nice guy. He calls me every year on his birthday to remind me that I forgot to wish him.

• 5 Comments

You know, I think all these so-called scientists are totally wasting their time. And mine. They keep “discovering” things like – “Coffee reduces the risk of inner-respiratory lung disease by 0.0004%” and “Not Smoking helps give you 2 days of extra life”. Duh! I already know that.

Why don’t these scientists spend their time discovering more useful things? If they’ve all run out of ideas, I have some:

1) A way to clone yourself – and make the clone go to work.
This is an idea whose time has come. I should be able to make my own instant clone (like in a Microwave). Then I should be able to send the clone to work. That way, I can sit and write blogs all day. Plus, since the clone makes all the money, you don’t have to worry. You can just enjoy your day!

2) A tablet that can be taken instead of taking a bath.
This is something that I’d pay money for. I should be able to take that tablet, and then I shouldn’t need to take a bath for a week. Oh come on, admit it. You’ve thought about it. Think about the possibilities! That’ll just knock 10-20 minutes from my morning, which I can spend – sleeping.

3) Print your own money – at home
I don’t understand why HP and Cannon and all the printer makers haven’t thought about it – They should invent a program that can print the 100 Rupee note on both sides of a paper. This is the greatest idea ever. If we can print Movie Tickets and Airline Tickets at home, why not just print the money directly?

4) A moving chair – that moves behind me.
They should invent this chair that can follow me around everywhere. So that, whenever I want, I can just drop, and the chair will always be there so that I can instantly sit. Think about the applications – Movie Theaters, restaurants and even cars – They can all save money by removing their existing chairs.

My God! How come the scientists can’t think of these things?

• 8 Comments

Soon after I started working at Trilogy, I started getting interested in the stock market. The world’s biggest Casino! Where fortunes are made and everyone gets rich! I used to work with this guy, let’s call him Atif*, who got me very interested in this stock business. He used to give me stock tips everyday, and made “guaranteed” predictions that stock X was going to double within a month.

One day, he “highly recommended” the Reliance Petroleum stock to me. They were coming out with an IPO, and, according to Atif, anyone who didn’t invest in it had “bloody stone-cold rocks in their head”.

So I go ahead and apply for the Reliance Petroleum’s (RPL) IPO. It’s only 90 rupees a share. That’s cheap. Even Fried Rice in Shanti Sagar costs more than that. It must be a good deal.

Day 0: The stock opens on the stock market, and rockets to 110 Rupees. I’m feeling good. Wow, this is easy money. Why haven’t I been doing this for years?

Day 1: RPL = 85 rupees.
Oh man! I’ve already lost a few thousand rupees. I should have sold it off on the first day itself. But that’s OK. I read on the internet that investing in the stock market requires a lot of patience. So I’ll wait one more week.

Day 3: RPL = 80 rupees.
Oh, great. Just great. The stock just keeps on going down. And Atif has suddenly disappeared on vaction.

Day 7: RPL = 89 rupees.
I learnt that the absolute price of a stock is meaningless. What matters is how much the price changes. RPL stock can be 90 rupees, Infosys can be 19,000 Rupees and TCS can be 500 Rupees. There is absolutely no meaning to the absolute price of the stock. There goes my cheaper-than-fried-rice theory.

Day 12: RPL = 118 rupees.
Ah! My patience has paid off. I’m going to sell the stock. Or should I wait for a few more days for it to go up? What if I sell it now and it goes up tomorrow? Maybe I’ll wait till it reaches 120 rupees, and then I’ll sell it off. I promise.

Day 13: RPL = 119 rupees.
One more. Just one more rupee and I’ll sell it.

Day 14: RPL = 75 rupees.
Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh! Dammit! I should have sold it yesterday only. The stock has fallen to it’s lowest level! I’d have been better if I had kept the money in my Savings account. At least they pay 3% interest!

Day 40: RPL = 120 rupees.
Finally! After more than 1 month, the stock has finally reached my sell-off threshold. I immediately sell it off. That’s it. I don’t want anything to do with this stock market. It’s too risky.

Day 41: RPL = 149 rupees.
Oh, COME ON! The stock goes up AFTER I sold it. Why does this happen to me? WHY ME?

Day 42:
The bank pays me the money received from the sale of the stock. But wait, there is more bad news. The bank has charged me 0.75% transaction fee. Unfortunately, that’s on the selling price, which is equal to 20% of the profit. Plus, there’s a 2% education tax and a service fee and VAT on that. Additionally, I also have to pay Capital Gains tax. I calculated that I’d have been better off putting this money in a simple Fixed Deposit. %@*#@!$ stock market.

• 5 Comments

There’s a lot of hype floating around about healthy food and good exercise and things like that. Apparently, just 20 minutes of aerobic exercise makes you 30% less likely to get a heart attack. Also, it keeps you fit, prevents hair loss, gives you X-ray vision and doubles your broadband download speed . Plus, it’s all over internet. And as we all know, because it is on the internet, it must be true. That’s the nature of the internet.

In summary, exercise now, spending 20 minutes of my prime youth so that I can live 1 extra hour when I’m old, weak and can’t see or hear anything. That seems like a good deal.

And so, I go off and click on one of those ‘Want a healthy lifestyle? Click here to loose weight now. Free trial, No Diets!’ ads. No diets? Interesting. But the page it takes me to has a bunch of jumping monkeys that I need to punch, a Nigerian Prince asking for my Bank Account numbers and a very well argued article saying how this stock is going to double in a few days. But I don’t see how these will help me become fit. Hmmm…, maybe there is no virtual solution for exercise. I’ll have to go to the offline world. That’s a new experience for me, but I’ve decided I’ll try it.

Luckily, the company I was working for at that time had a gym right in the office. As I was walking to the gym, I met this guy who had just started going to the gym.

This guy, let’s call him Anishekh*, was pathetically thin. If he lost any more weight, he’d probably become 2-Dimensional. He had joined the gym, he told me, to put on some weight and become a muscle man.
“How’s it been working out for you, so far?” I ask
“It’s great! I’ve already gained 75 grams in 2 weeks!”
“75g? That’s probably your hair and beard growing, man. Don’t go to the barber, because your 75g of ‘muscle’ might disappear. Heheheee…”

This guy doesn’t seem impressed with my brilliant joke. We reach the gym. But the thing is, the gym is located near the Cafeteria, where they are also serving Samosas today. “Oh well, If I’m going to loose weight, I might as well put on some first, eh?” I think to myself. A few other friends are also gobbling on the Samosas and I join them. After that, we start playing Carrom and Darts and by the time I’m finished, the gym is closed.

“Oh, bummer! I’ll just come back tomorrow”, I think to myself and push off.

6 Months later, I’m showing an intern around the office. As we go near the gym, I realize that I’ve forgotten to go back there.
“Do you go to the gym?”, intern asks me.
“Well, Not recently.” I say.

• 8 Comments

The other day, I saw this guy back from college. He was a complete nerd back then, you know the type that was all serious and boring. He did all the homework, sat in the first bench, mugged for GRE and always got the first rank. Someone once asked him “Why don’t you skip homework one day?”. Dude thought it was a joke.
So, when I saw him, I thought it might be good to talk to him to see if anything has changed after so many years. I walked up to him and said Hi.

Dude: “Oh! It’s you.”
Me: “Yeah. How have you been? What’s happening?”
Dude: “I’m here to present a paper on nano-physical-biology at the World Tech Conference.”
Me: “Yeah, that must be nice. The thing I love the most is the free biscuits they give out at these conferences…”
Dude looks at me weirdly.
Dude: “Anyway, what have you been up to?”
Me: “The usual. Oh, I’m writing a blog these days!”
Dude: “How quaint!”
Me: “Thanks?”
Mental note to self: Look up meaning of ‘quaint’.
Dude: “So what have you published?”
Me: “Lots of stories actually. I write humor”
Dude: “Can I see some of your work?”

He was finally getting interested in my blog. I decided I’ll tell him a joke.

Me: “Sure. So this one time, a Zebra and a Chicken are trying to cross the road…”
Dude: “Which road?”
Me: “Eh? M.G. Road maybe. Doesn’t matter. Some road.”
Dude: “OK. Proceed.”
Me: “They’re trying to cross the road, but there is traffic. So the Zebra says ‘Let’s cross the road over there, because there is a Zebra Crossing there’ ..hehehe…”
Dude: “OK?”
Telling this guy a joke is like trying to teach a pig how to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig. I decide to press on with the joke anyway.
Me: “…hehe…and then the Chicken says ‘No, I want to cross here’. Then the Zebra says ‘I’ll eat you’…hehe…”
Dude: “um…hmm…”
Me: “…and then the Chicken flies across the road and says ‘Come on, run across. What are you, Chicken?’…hehohahaha…”
Dude: “OK.”
Maybe I should have explained to him before I started that I was telling a joke. There is silence as I try to figure out how to explain to him that the joke is over and he’s supposed to laugh now. This is really embarrassing. I’m laughing at my own jokes while this joker is staring at me.

Dude: “I don’t think Chicken can fly that far.”
Me: “Look, it was a small road, OK?”
Dude: “Why does the Zebra want to eat the Chicken? Zebras are vegetarian.”
This guy is totally irritating me.
Me: “Look. It’s my zebra. He was schizophrenic or something. He felt like eating Chicken.”
Dude: “I don’t understand your alleged joke. Your Chicken hypothesis is inconsistent.”

That’s it. This Dude was asking for it.

Me: “Yes, I know you’ve always had trouble with the chicks. Chicks don’t like micro-physical things, man. Maybe if you didn’t focus on your zebra so much, you might actually cross the road one day.”
Dude: “What?”
Me: “Have a good day!”
And I walked off…

• 0 Comments