A friend of mine works at this cool company that’s created this new social networking thing. Its called LifeBlob, and a part of it shows what’s called your “Timeline”. Its basically a history of stuff that happened to you it uses that to link up people. Its pretty cool actually, but that’s not the point of this story. When I saw this thing, I got thinking of my own life’s timeline. I tried to document what all I’ve done so far in my life:

1982: Born on Planet Earth. A lot of things went wrong that year.

1983: On my first birthday, I was telling stories apparently. No one else understood them, but it seems I myself found them incredibly funny.

1985: First day of school and I tripped and fell on my head on my way to class. Had to skip school that day. I bunked my first ever class on day 1.

1988: Pushed my Sister into a bucket of Gulab Jaamons that were to be served at my Aunt’s wedding.

1989: For the hell of me, I can’t figure out how to write the cursive letter “s”. I hadn’t seen Taare Zameen Par then, else would have claimed to be dyslexic.

1995: Introduced to computers through “Dangerous Dave” and “Prince of Persia” video games. I’m totally hooked.

1996: Set fire to my computer, literally, with smoke and all. I was trying to overclock the CPU because my computer wasn’t fast enough to play Doom. Tried to convince Dad it was a computer virus that burnt the motherboard and melted the CPU without success.

1998: A friend and I co-invent the reverse-proxy method of attendance acquisition. Forget to get a patent on it, now everyone uses it.

2000: Time to decide between Engineering and Tobacco farming. I pick Computer Engineering. Big Mistake.

2002: Bomb hoax at college, incidentally, on the day of the exams. I swear I didn’t do it, but if it wasn’t for that call, I’d definitely have flunked.

2004: Bought a PS2 on ebay with my first salary.

2006: Lost 6 Kgs on a trip to China because I couldn’t find anything to eat.

2008: Writing blog posts on a Friday night and trying to figure out how to get all this online on the lifeblob site. Yay! for all things 2.0!

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If you’ve been following the IPL, the tickets at several stadiums went on sale today. Check out the details of ipl tickets here. Pretty reasonably priced, in my opinion!

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It’s nearly one year since the wedding day, and it has been a very interesting learning experience for me. I have made the startling discovery that there is a secret code-language called “wifeese” that the wife speaks. It sounds and has words just like regular language, but has hidden meanings that take a lot of time to decipher. I’ve figured out quite a few of them, and here I present to you the “Top 5 Wifese Statements and what they really mean”

At number 5, we have: “There’s nothing on TV today. *yaaawwwwn*”
What it really means: “I’m really really bored, so stop writing your stupid blog and take me out to dinner tonight. You married me, not the blog, damnit!”
This one was pretty obvious for me to figure out because if you didn’t get it the first time, progressively agressive statements get made until the last step, which is to get hit by a thick book in the head.

Number 4: “Hi Sweetie…. How was your day?”
What it really means: “I got us tickets to the latest movie for Friday Night. If you try to resist or make up an excuse, you won’t get breakfast for a week.”
I had to learn this the hard way, after my several attempts at avoiding the inevitable friday night movies. I’ve come to realize that breakfast is much more valuable than spending 3 hours sleeping in the theatre.

At number 3:  “How does this dress look on me?”
What it really means: God only knows.

Heck, I think even He won’t know how to answer this question. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not really a question, but more the signal of an impending storm. Kinda like if you see a shark swimming towards you. It’s too late to do anything about it.
And at Number 2: “Do you have a minute? Can you come here please?”
What it really means: “Cut these tomatoes.”
The first few times I was called like this, I rushed expectedly, hoping it would be some new gift. But like Pavolv’s dogs who figured out what the ringing bell really meant, I have come to figure out what that invitation really means, and try to avoid it as much as possible.

And finally, we have The Top Wifese Statement And What It Really Means:
Number 1: “We’ll Talk about it later!”
What it really means: “We will stop discussing this issue now, and I will wait till you forget about it, and when the actual time comes I will convince you that we had talked about it earlier, and you had agreed to go with what I want to do.”
I totally didn’t get what this really meant for a long time. I always thought that the matter will duly come up for discussion later and promptly forgot about it. I began to get suspicious when I “discovered” that I had agreed to buy the wife 7 pairs of shoes, a sofa, a dining table and had also “volunteered” to vacuum the house twice a week.

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Back when I was in school, maybe 5th standard, the teachers were always trying to “Develop My Personality”. For some reason, they believed that everyone should be an “all-rounder”, and my complete lack of mastery in even one of their standard fields (marks-scoring, drawing and a bunch of other inconsequential fields) must have been worrying them.

So, when it was the time of the annual school fest, the teachers tried to persuade me to join the debate competition, and when I resisted, “volunteered” me to participate in it.

There was little I could do to resist it at that point, and found myself up on stage with 4 other participants. I was bored as hell, but the teachers had also forced the rest of the school to sit there as audience to watch the showdown. Making kids sit down silently when they all want to go play cricket, and making them listen to 4 kids argue about things no one has any clue about. Oh, this was going to go very smoothly.

The moderator opened up some slip, and read out the topic “What is the best way to stop pollution?”

Predictably, the other 3 kids got hyper, and starting fiercely arguing amongst themselves:

Kid #1: “…and the buses are spewing out black smoke. If I were the Prime Minister, I’d ban exhaust pipes in vehicles. No exhaust pipe, no black smoke…”
Kid #2: “My esteemed friend makes a very good point there, but river pollution is a bigger problem. The oxygen levels have fallen to 2% over the last few years, and the fish…”
Me: *yyaaaawwwwwnnnnnn*

As the kids started discussing whether small fish can swim fast enough to avoid the sharks, who had apparently come to the rivers because the seas were getting polluted too, I was slipping deeper and deeper into sleep. To fight off the urge to lie down on the stage and sleep, I thought it a good idea to speak up in the debate.

Me: “The real problem is some kids that fart all the time in class. The farting is an enormous source of air pollution around the school”

The audience let out a collective gasp. For a second, everyone was silent trying to figure out if I was being serious. Everyone started looking at me. This unexpected attention, for some reason, charged me up even more, and I felt like continuing to talk…

Me: “That’s right! I don’t want to take names, but some people whose names rhyme with Dakshay should be questioned every morning about what they’ve eaten, and if…”

Some kid, presumably Akshay, screamed out from the audience:
“Well, it’s better than wearing stinky socks everyday!”

Now this remark was clearly aimed at me, but Kid #1, who was well known for stinky feet took it personally, screamed back, but this time at the audience instead of his fellow debaters: “At least I take a bath everyday, unlike my esteemed friend Rajesh, who…”

At this point, the debate became enormously interesting, with the introduction of a flying shoe into the scene. The flying shoe originated from somewhere deep in the audience, and the previous owner undoubtedly did not regret loosing this shoe because it was really really stinky. It landed right on Kid #1’s podium and knocked it off. But instead of going on the backfoot, he jumped out of his podium and went to face the audience head on…
“Ha! Your socks stink so bad that even your shoe can’t stand the rotten smell!”

No sooner than he’d finished saying this, another 100-page notebook was hurled from somewhere deep inside the crowd. The teachers sensed trouble at this point, and one of them came out on stage to try to control the rapidly deteriorating situation, but the damage had already been done. Several water bottles, class work books and homework books were hurled in the general direction of the stage, with the owners of these books only too glad to get rid of them.

The event was talked about for days later in a very negative light by the teachers, but I thought it was a great success! The entire audience got involved in the debate in the only way the knew how: By throwing crap at the stage! They should have declared me the winner!

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Q: My room mate is very dirty and lazy. He doesn’t do any work around the place and just contributes to making it dirtier and smellier. He’s so lazy that I don’t know what to do. How do I get him to be a little more clean?
- RC

A: You have the wrong idea about laziness, my friend. Laziness is a virtue, not a vice. It is a common misconception that evolution’s law is “Survival of the Fittest“. The modified, 21st century version is “Survival of the Laziest“. Look at the tigers - They have to get out and go hunting for food every day. Hard work. We humans just have to move a few fingers to call Dominos and food shows up at our doorstep. Guess which of the two is becoming extinct?

Laziness should be celebrated. But don’t get fooled into thinking that it is easy. Laziness is a special skill that you have to work on. It takes dedication, perseverance and most importantly lots of will power and self-discipline. You should also refuse to clean up your apartment. Be even more messier than your room mate. Leave the dishes unwashed and clothes dirty. The one who gets affected by the stinky smell first looses, and your goal is to not be the looser. As you can see, being lazy is hard work. But as Socrates said: “Victory comes to those who persevere the longest”. So go forth, by strong and be lazy, until your roommate caves in and cleans the dishes. May the light of Adityaism be with you.

Q: My hubby recently tried to pull a stunt on my by trying to miss his GYM class, and so I’m trying to take him out for evening walks. But he keeps resisting, and always wants to watch TV. What should I do?
- TW

A: You know how they say: “It takes a criminal to catch a criminal”? Well, I think in your case, you have to use the same strategy. Try to go into your hubby’s shoes. If you were a lazy couch potato that always wanted to watch TV, what would you do?

If you think for a little bit, it’ll become obvious that you would want to sit on your sofa and watch TV all day. And there’s your answer. The one keyword that is the root cause of all evil in this world, and that has literally brought death and destruction to our civilization.

The Sofa.

The presence of a Sofa in your living room is what is making your hubby want to watch TV. I don’t suppose you bought it, did you? If I were to guess, I’d say you went and bought a sofa (maybe a Dining Table too?) and because of that your hubby doesn’t exercise. You have no one but yourself to blame. Buying sofas is the greatest sin known to mankind, (unfortunately it has not caught on with womenkind), and since you have performed such a big sin, you must now perform the Adityaism ritual to cleanse the evil spirits.

You need to buy your hubby a 56″ LCD HDTV with remote control. Once you do this, you have to let your hubby watch the TV for 12-and-a-half years, and then your will be forgiven of your sins. Don’t waste time - Go and do it now!

Q:  Have u ever understood the ibibo ad? “Don’t be a balti” ( wtf does that mean !?! )
- RXP

A: You know, I didn’t get the ad the first time either, but then I used my superior reasoning and logical abilities and figured it out. ibibo actually stands for “I Believe In Baltis Overall”. It has a deep philosophical meaning.

See, the Balti, or the empty bucket, is a metaphor for the vast expanse that life is into which the ocean of experience dips to fill the bucket with the water of friends. Therefore, the social network of the balties connects you to your inner self (with your bucket spirit) and takes you through the shower of wisdom and you then treat the balti as a reservoir for dirty clothes (a metaphor for intellectual purity).

It’s quite simple when you get it.
If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

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This is part 2 of a series. First part is below

Saturday morning is here, and I’ve calmed down dramatically since my mouth accidentally promised to go to the GYM on Saturday morning. I’ve managed to convince my soul, my brain and all my other schizophrenic voices in my head that it isn’t going to be so bad, we’ll just fake it. My plan was to fake it all the way, and just pretend to go to the gym, and take a detour through the mall. Plenty of timepass places in the mall to keep me busy for an hour.

And so, I got ready to head out when the wife stopped me.

Wife: “Aren’t you going to take your GYM clothes?”
Me: “Eh?”
Wife: “You know, your exercise clothes. I hope you’re not planning to exercise in your jeans!”
Me: “No no, of course not. I just forgot, that’s all. So, hmm…. Do I have any gym clothes?”
Wife: “No, You don’t.”
Me: “Oh, no! Then I can’t go to the gym! Man, I was looking forward to going, but unfortunately now I can’t. I guess I’ll just sit and watch TV then…”
Wife: “… but I bought you some GYM clothes yesterday!”
Me: “Oh? Well, OK then. I guess I’ll have to go to the GYM in that case.”

And so, I trudged out of the house, carrying a plastic bag with track pants and some T-shirt. I walked across to the mall. Malls are so much fun. I first went to the food court and ate bhel puri, then bought some ice cream. I found a store that had an XBOX kept for demo, and I played at the XBOX for most of the hour (after finishing the ice cream,  of course). I did some more time pass, and before you know it, “gym time” was up. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday morning! I could do this every day! And the best part is, the wife things I’m at the GYM. Am I a genius or what?

Just as I walked back into the house, the wife switched off the TV and comes up to me to find out how my first GYM session had gone.

Me: “Oh, it was awesome! I enjoyed it tremendously!”
Wife: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah. I did some exercise and it was all very easy for me.”

I was feeling good. My brilliant plan of skipping gym was making me feel very proud of myself.

Wife: “So, you ran on the treadmill? How fast did you run?”

Having rarely run to anywhere, my brain wasn’t entirely aware what speed people usually run at. I began thinking: “Well, lets see… Airplanes take off at 200 kmph, but when people run, they don’t take off, so they must be going slower, so…”

Wife: “Well?”
Me: “35!”
Wife: “35 kilometers per hour? That’s very good!”

What do you know? This is going rather well. My ego is feeling good. It starts blabbering…

Me: “That’s nothing! I also went to the lifting-maching-thing and lifted 40 kgs weights.”
Wife: “That’s impressive!”
Me: “Ha! That’s nothing! The GYM instructor was so impressed, that he said I am a complete natural, and ShahRukh Khan and his precious 6-pack had better watch out!”
Wife: “Really? So the instructor was very impressed huh?”

The wife is nodding and paying attention to my boastful claims, and that strokes my ego even more. Man, this is fun! I’m starting to get carried away…

Me: “Ha! That’s nothing! The weight lifting thing was so easy for me that I asked them to put on more weights, but they ran out of weights! I even answered my cell phone while lifting the weights in one hand.”

Wife: “Very good! Then they were all very impressed then!”
Me: “Oh yeah yeah. It was a breeze… HaHaha! I left the other people gasping!  They must have been thinking: This guy has natural gym talent!”
Wife: “Really? Well done… Here, let me take your gym clothes. They must have gotten dirty, no?”

This was a really big clue that the wife knew something that I had missed. But in that moment of self-heroism, the huge clue completely missed me. My ego was enjoying the show-off so much, that my brain failed to notice such a big hint. Unfortunately ego wins over logic every time.

Me: “Ha! The GYM was so easy for me that I didn’t even work up a sweat! Look at the clothes, they’re as good as new!”
Wife: “So, you spent the full hour at the gym?”
Me: “Yeah. All of the 60 minutes! In fact, the instructor got tired at the end of it, you know, fetching me weights and putting away dumbbells and all that stuff.”
Wife: “That’s very interesting. So do you remember Janavi from the 3rd floor? Her husband was also going to join today?”

Uh Oh! Something is not right.

Me: “Yeah yeah, he was there too. I saw him. I said Hi! Nice chap!”
Wife: “So, apparently, he went there, but it turns out that the GYM is closed today for renovation.”

Oh, bugger! Crap crap crap! How could this have happened? Why didn’t I go and at least PEEK at the gym? I would have found out that the GYM wasn’t open today. And oh my God! All the stuff I said earlier! This is a very bad way to get caught! No No No!!!! Hopeless Hopeless! And on top of that, my brain makes a half-ass attempt at recovering from this impossible situation:

Me: “Did I say I went to the GYM? I actually meant I went for a jog AROUND the gym. Yeah, that’s what I meant!”
She’s giving me The Look.
Me: “Aahh… I mean… I was going to go to the gym, but… err… I mean… hmmm…. Have you lost weight? You’re looking FABULOUS!”

As you’ve probably figured out, I’d dug myself into such a deep hole, that escape was impossible. And now, because of my big big mouth, the wife takes me “walking” around the apartment every night. 4 rounds! But the worse part is that I still haven’t got a plan to avoid watching the movies, which is how this whole thing started in the first place!

Moral of the story? “Don’t talk about the GYM. It’ll always get you into trouble!”

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Regular readers will know that I’ve been desperately trying to avoid watching movies. My several previous plans (plan 1, plan 2, plan 3) have not been very successful, and even my writing harsh reviews (Race, Saawariya, Om Shanti Om) have not done anything. Things were getting desperate for me when it seemed inevitable that we were going to watch “One Two Three”. I decided I was going to put up a fight this time.

Wife: “Tickets are available for the 10:10 show Saturday Morning”
Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t go. I have something to do Saturday Morning”

I could tell that this surprised the wife. My usual Saturday morning plan is to sleep till 10 AM and “forget” to take a bath, so this was obviously something new. The only problem was that I didn’t have any “plan”. I had to think of something really fast.

Wife: “What’s so special that you can’t come to the movie?”

I hadn’t expected her to ask the question so directly. My brain was running in hyper-fast mode.

Me: “Aahhh… I am, actually, a little busy… eerrr… because I’m going to… aaahhh….”

The wife had started to give me THE Look. I think she suspected that I’d give some fake reason to try to get out of the movie. This was not good. Now my excuse had to be even better! Even as my head was trying to think of a good alibi, my mouth blurted out:

Me: “I can’t go to the movie because I’m going to the GYM!!!”

WHAT!??!???!!!

My brain was like “Excuse Me?!? Do you even know what that means? GYM?”
And then my soul was like “You know that is against the religious principles of Adityaism, right? I’m not going to the GYM. You’ll have to go without me!”

The prospect of my soul leaving me because I went to the gym was a grim one. I really like my soul, nice chap. As I was thinking about how to get out of this mess, the wife interjected. She seemed very happy.

Wife: “You’re going to the gym? How wonderful! Which gym are you going to?”
Me: “Uuhh? I mean… yes… yeah, the gym over there… Talwalkars… Right opposite our building.”

Thankfully I had recalled that there indeed WAS a gym in the mall opposite our house. If I had failed to name the gym, it would have been the end for me.

Wife: “Wonderful, wonderful! Oh, I just remembered something! Actually… What a co-incidence!!!”

Oh NO! What had happened now? Had she also signed up at the same gym? Was she going to come to the gym and make me run on the never-ending-running-machine-of-death like a mad scientist does to his lab mouse? I imagined me running on a hamster wheel… just round and round and round for all of eternity. A shiver went down my spine.

Wife: “You know Janavi? 3rd Floor? I was talking to her and she said her husband was also going to start going to the GYM from Saturday. The two of you should go together!”

Phew! At least she wasn’t coming. I couldn’t recall who this Janavi or her Hubby was but that was the least of my problems right now. Bigger things were already happening. My brain had called an emergency meeting of all the schizophrenic voices in my head, and they were already planning a revolt. My soul was giving a speech to them in my head.

Soul: “We will not tolerate this indignation! Our principles MUST be upheld. We MUST fight….”

This was very bad news. I could have said so many things! Why did I have to say that? I could have said I have a meeting at office, I could have said I had an appointment with the investment agent, but noooooo… I had to go and say “I’m going to the GYM”. Hopeless! Hopeless!

What am I going to do now?

[Update: Part 2 is here]

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